To want this kind of relationship?

[Chocbicc]

I have a DD who is 10. Her father and I split when she was a baby since then I’ve had 1 relationship which lasted 4 years and resulted in him cheating with a coworker. We lived together in my house so he moved out. I decided from then I do not want another man involved in my daughter’s life / childhood.

I met someone a year ago by chance. From the beginning I made it very clear I do not want anymore children. I also don’t want anyone involved in my child’s life. I said the most I want is someone to spend time with when my daughter is at her father’s but that is the extent and I appreciate that isn’t for everyone. He agreed and said he was happy with that.

The last few months he has been saying things such as ‘when we live together’ and talking about future holidays with my daughter as a family when we have children. I keep saying I do not want this he says he understands but will then bring it up again a week or so later. It’s frustrating because he currently lives in a small 2 bedroom house with his parents (he owns the property) and can’t afford anything else which is fine but what? Is expecting to be moving in with me? I think the reason why I find it frustrating is because he keeps bringing it up but he has no means to make this happen and not that I will but if I ever did ‘change my mind’ it would be on me to make it happen.

He is a really nice guy though and at times I feel I’m being unfair to him but I have always made my boundaries very clear and have said multiple times if he wants more from a relationship then he may be suited to someone else.

"John .. This is the last time I'm going to tell you this. I don't want children with you and we are never going to live together. If you bring this up again then this relationship is over"

OP, having to seek advice by posting on here is evidence enough that this is presenting a significant problem for you.

I have been a solo parent for nearly a decade now. Sure, I'd like a relationship, but only one that is compatible and fits in with DC and my lives.

Your bf's persistence is a red flag. What does he hope to gain from living together - financially, emotionally, physically and sexually? He may tell you that he wants to be close and settle down in the traditional sense, but you have clearly repeated to him what your boundaries are and what you want.

Your outlook and vision for your respective futures differ greatly. If certain aspects such as value and belief systems, etc do not match up, it's not going to work in the long term.

I echo @ProudAmberTurtle 's advice.

You are absolutely entitled to want any kind of relationship you want, OP! Your boyfriend is also entitled to want what he wants, but if your desires don't align and he is aware of this, really he needs to tackle it with you in an upfront way - state what he wants, see if compromise is possible. If not, you both need to walk away.

I was dating for a while before I got back with my ex, and I found a real lack of men wanting this kind of relationship - they all seemed either to want one night stands without the inconvenience of having to speak to me (one invited me to a "date" in his car!!!) or full on co-habitation and marriage after about two weeks!

But that's not a reason not to stick to your guns.....

Sit him down. Tell him again.
Give him an ‘out’ with no hard feelings, but if he chooses to stay he has to shut up about the fake future.

He’s trying to wear you down

YABU to stay.

He doesn't respect your boundaries and his plan is to keep pestering until you give in.

Come on give yourself a break and him.you're setting the barrier too high. Because you have had a hard experience you really need to move on or you may regret it. Believe me relationships are always a gamble, you can't cover yourself in bubble wrap and you are assuming how your daughter may feel. Good luck.

I think you need to spell it out to him, and make it clear that you won’t be changing your mind. Then it’s his choice whether he walks away. It does sound like he should walk away as he clearly does want a relationship where he lives with someone - maybe has kids etc.

Honestly, you are better finding someone who is in exactly the same position as you. There are plenty of them around, men who already have kids, definitely don't want more and are just content to have a very grown up arrangement with no complications and no expectations of blending families eventually. Leave this one to someone who is looking for a man who wants kids. There are also plenty of women who would be only too happy to oblige. You are wasting one another's time.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

But why is it her responsibility to end the relationship. She isnt stringing him along, she has been very clear, so he can stay and accept what she has told him (several times) or leave.

Next time he brings it up, ask him 'How?'
'How are we going to be living together?'
'How are we having children together?'
Then stay quiet and wait for him to provide a logical answer.
Only 2 things will happen- he will either stop bringing it up, so you win.
Or he will get scared and run away, so you win again.
Best wishes OP, good on you for being strong and sensible.
Xx

Walking talking 🚩

I agree with this post. How often are you able to spend time together? A relationship for 50% of the time living separate is one thing but if it’s every other weekend you really shouldn’t be looking for anything more than FWB as that’s not even a relationship. You probably need to think yourself what you can offer a man in terms of time and commitment and whether that is fitting with a real life relationship.

He’s looking to move in OP. He doesn’t care about what you want, his wants are more important.

He’s an idiot for not listening to you, but I think in these circumstances it’s always best for the person who wants less commitment to end things. The person who wants more, whether it’s marriage or children, always expects the other person to change their mind, and in fairness, often they do. He’ll only believe you when you end it.

He is trying to wear you down and hoping you will change your mind.

Bin. You have a different agenda

From what you say, there are several issues here. You have made your needs and boundaries quite clear. Despite this and having explained in several different ways, he seems to reset. Having had a very controlling marriage, I would find this behaviour a very clear indicator of trouble.

Normal is a cycle on a washing machine, and relationships mean different things to different people and if fundamentally right, require fine-tuning and maintenance. However, (along with a wealth of other variables) someone should compliment your life and be aligned with your values. We must make decisions for ourselves, but personally, I believe your needs and desires mutually incompatible.

I'm wondering - do you have evidence that he owns the property he lives in with his parents? It's a rather unusual set up.

I've had this with people (both men and women) agreeing initially but then hoping you'll change your mind. It's not right, you've set your boundaries and he's not listening to you. Stick to your guns - if he's good, maybe he just needs setting right once and for all, but if not then he's probably not the right partner

He sees himself sliding comfortably into a comfortable life - in your house, with a ready-made daughter... then he wants you pregnant so that you're tied to him.
Get rid.

If you are going to be a loosy goosy pick up men at a bar and throw them out the next morning and don't spend time with them

You'll probably find it hard to date until your child is an adult if you don't want them in her life on any level. You might be better with a very casual relationship situation

You would be better telling him it's over as you want different things and he obviously wants more than you do

It's clearly over so just tell him

Absurd.