AIBU to ask you to help me make a list of unseen labour that you do?

[Oreoqueen87]

Background is there has been ongoing tension between DH and I about division of labour. We have agreed to a make a list of all household tasks so we can see who does what. I am the default parent to a newly 7 year old. I do all the childcare organising, all the emotional labour, anything that requires thought basically! . I also do all the cooking and food organisation. I also do more childcare.

Can I please ask for your help in thinking of all the unseen things I do? I do everything apart from vacuuming, most of the washing and home maintenance eg mowing lawn.

He expects a lot of emotional support for himself. He wants to talk through every little decision and it’s exhausting.

DH can sometimes be reasonable when presented with facts, so I want him to acknowledge all the work I do. I doubt it will change much, but it gives me a basis for better boundaries in the meantime.

Longterm I need to LTB. Our child is undergoing evaluation for suspected autism/adhd, and I need to make sure it’s completed and a we have agreed how to manage it before any split.

If nothing else I want to have the list to look at so I can remember not to cave.

Tidying
Dusting
Vacuuming
Watering plants
Weeding the garden
Doing anything with the plants in the garden
Making sure kids have done school work
Booking appointments for the kids
Taking the kids to appointments
Doing all child related paperwork (pip assessment, home education, EHCP, camhs paperwork)
Putting empty toilet rolls in the bin
Managing all our subscriptions - toilet roll, laundry stuff, dishwasher tablets etc
Finding and booking all family activities

There's probably more! He does shopping and cleaning and annual paperwork like insurance and I do absolutely everything else. And remind him about his stuff because he forgets.

Arrange all kids appointments eg barber, dentist, doctor.
Register for all school stuff, after school clubs, school dinners, trips.
Buy all kids clothes and shoes.
Book vet appointments
Plan food , cook food and do the food shop, top ups.
Book holidays, insurance etc.
Arrange gas service.
All cleaning and washing
Tip runs
Put bin out.

Making this list has made me realise my husband only has to think about work. I also work part time. No wonder I get stressed out! How have I ended up in this situation!

Knowing when animals need fleaing worming and vaxxing

It occurred to me, whilst cleaning the toilet, that said toilet has only ever been cleaned by me, for 24 years (and I work full time, as a teacher)
*ditto the oven, the fridge, the floors ad infinitum
**you get the drift 🙄

You rarely meet anyone nowadays who doesn't think they're the world's busiest person.

I think you also need to include each of your leisure time - non-working and non-thinking or physical time to do with the household.

I suspect he gets his lunchtime off and you don’t…

Oh my goodness, yes! I think it's actually getting to me now - constantly seeing things that need to be moved/put away, general mess and clutter. I'm a reasonably tidy person but sometimes feel im drowning in the family's stuff and mess. Not having enough space/storage and only one bathroom (and also WC) and no utility doesnt help.
Feel like no-one else 'sees' this mess. Dp is generally great, does nearly all cooking, most of the shopping (amongst many other things) so its not that he doesnt pull his weight but I feel like something has to change somehow.

So we went for a day out yesterday entirely organised by me (travel, entrance tickets, food options). One teenage DS hated it all and was a bit of a pain in the arse. It had been selected for his interests but he just couldn’t be bothered. And on the way home he gave me a sincere ‘thanks for organising the trip’ and a hug. Confusing as he was bad company but at least acknowledged that I had done the labour!

I remember the kids emotional and physical history to be recalled at all doctors, dentists, physio etc appointments. Any difficulty or trauma is available for me to recall at will. Whilst my husband has no such information. To hand and states blankly when asked a question about the past.

Wow bold and extremely patronising of you to assume we are all sitting at home spending our husband’s money! Think you’ll find in this day and age most women are holding down full time jobs WHILST doing every unseen job around the house, all the planning and organising.

It grinds my gears when people claim they don't know school term dates.

They are ON THE WEBSITES.

When I occasionally need to know my nieces' term dates, I can find out in seconds.

It really is an easy one.

1.) Putting in diary parents evening
2.) Putting in diary when booking slots are open and
3.) booking slots to suit availability
4) bringing list of slots to parent evening whether on phone or paper
5) Turning up and not asking ‘what year is she in now?’ 😣

Booking school vaccinations when the letter arrives and before the link expires.

Why do you all stay in such unequal relationships?

Because I've only come across more equal ones on Mumsnet so I think they may be fictional!

DH actually does quite a lot compared to every single other couple where we know them well enough to have an idea of how tasks are split (although actually his parents' arrangements are very fairly split in terms of time and effort but rely on MIL not working and FIL having done the same job for his whole working life, so not something we can emulate).

To add - just thought of a gay male couple where they do have a more equal split of tasks, although they're not married and I don't know what their arrangements are financially or what would happen in the event of a split.

This is just not normal in my experience. I definitely know couples where one does a lot more working outside the home and the other does a lot more "homemaking", but the labour is still divided equally and it isnt always the woman who is the homemaker either.

Do you think it could be cultural? Or regional? My local area is made up of several difference cultures but it isn't normal for the dad/husband to do so little in anyone's homes. Especially in a way where one party feels that they do far more than they can or desire. There are definitely cultures where the woman particularly feels attached to conjugal roles, but having a life where she only has to do the "wife/mum" stuff is part of her contentment. It isnt like you all make it sound here like you are utterly miserable and overwhelmed by the inequality.

One thing I won't be convinced if is that the women tolerating husbands like this aren't rasing their sons to be the same. In that sense it is cultural. If a boy sees this growing up, he will assume that role himself. Any daughters will assume this is what being a wife to a man and a mother means - exhaustion and misery. Why would you plan to be either of those things when you saw your mum's awful life?

Makes sense why so many people are opting for alternative relationships and a childfree life if this is what a heterosexual marriage with kids looks like for women.

Bins is my number one at the mo, both emptying and putting out
having clean towels there same with underwear and socks
dog being put out, water changed, fed
cat being fed and put out
cleaning up dog poo
kids pe gear ready
cold weather clothes findable
birthday presents/ cards bought and ready/ posted
knowing appointments- orthodontist, dentist, speech therapist
blinds pulled in the morning (have left them and nobody opened them all day leaving the hall looking like a horror movie)
closing curtains at night (same, I get home from work after 9 sometimes and all curtains are still open)
clothes off washing line in the evening

It may be cultural/vary but survey after survey back up that women in the UK do more of the unpaid labour.

So it's cultural at a macro level in the sense that we are in a pretty sexist society - but at the same time women's (and certainly mothers') participation in the labour force here is as high as it's ever been.

We've also got some specific issues such as very high house prices and the debacle that is SEND education (the former meaning two salaried are required for a mortgage and the latter directly drives women out of the workforce - there's something like 50,000 children out of education right now).

I don't know what the solution is. I try talking to the teenagers I teach but none of them think this will happen to them... always interesting to ask when they claim equality in their households "does your dad know your shoe size, and who arranged your most recent dentist's appointment?".

I am meeting a friend and her kids tomorrow and the inequality in her household in this regard is massive. I never know if it's worth raising it.

When DC were young - I worked part time; we had a cleaner on and off.

Me:
all laundry
deciding on and making dinner
tidying up
if no cleaner then most of it (DH would vacuum)
childcare in holidays on days off or organising clubs/reciprocal childcare
all appointment arranging and most of the taking
school admin
arranging play dates

DH
doing the bins
mowing lawn
making the bed
more driving places
good amount of childcare when here
washing up after dinner
Some DIY
when kids were young doing bath/bedtime while I made dinner.

shared
food shopping
childcare
things like utilities
pet care
deciding on big purchases

However, he would never expect to be fed if I was out, I’d quite self-sufficient in that way. He’s respectful and we sort of decided that I’d do the bulk of the life admin as I wasn’t the one working full time (or more). Sometimes it would piss me off always schlepping about though and having main responsibility for the DC.

Dh asked me to pick up his prescription (I wfh), but I said he can go Sat am (it’s not urgent) as I’m not a personal valet and if I’m not going in that direction it’s inconvenient to me. That pissed me off as surely he has to work these things out for himself at 58!

I'm not miserable or oppressed (for one thing, I earn and own enough that I could go it alone if I wanted) but that doesn't mean I don't see the inequality.

DD does see DH cooking, shopping, etc, and he did a lot of dentists, opticians, etc and even dropped a day when she was little and used to take her swimming and meet with other dads (although somehow he still received his full time salary whereas I had to take a pay cut to get any flexibility at all).

But! Nothing, nothing gets arranged, booked or paid for unless I do it.

There is one exception: DH will book and arrange anything involving football, cars or bikes. It was so irritating when I realised he DOES have excellent admin skills when he wants.

Because when the majority of heterosexual relationships are unequal, the choice is unequal relationship or single life, and women have historically been programmed to believe singlehood is a bad thing.

However, we are now witnessing increasing numbers of younger women opting to stay single and childfree.

If you need to ask then I cant see how it is unequal or not you would just know the answe