AIBU to ask you to help me make a list of unseen labour that you do?

[Oreoqueen87]

Background is there has been ongoing tension between DH and I about division of labour. We have agreed to a make a list of all household tasks so we can see who does what. I am the default parent to a newly 7 year old. I do all the childcare organising, all the emotional labour, anything that requires thought basically! . I also do all the cooking and food organisation. I also do more childcare.

Can I please ask for your help in thinking of all the unseen things I do? I do everything apart from vacuuming, most of the washing and home maintenance eg mowing lawn.

He expects a lot of emotional support for himself. He wants to talk through every little decision and it’s exhausting.

DH can sometimes be reasonable when presented with facts, so I want him to acknowledge all the work I do. I doubt it will change much, but it gives me a basis for better boundaries in the meantime.

Longterm I need to LTB. Our child is undergoing evaluation for suspected autism/adhd, and I need to make sure it’s completed and a we have agreed how to manage it before any split.

If nothing else I want to have the list to look at so I can remember not to cave.

If you're breaking down your jobs to the smallest detail, then maybe you should do the same for his.

No he can make his own detailed list! Split the mental load! 😂

😂

Division of labour can be contentious, partly because as others have said a lot of female labour is invisible. I made a list like this to show how I provide care to a disabled person, which is also an approach that can help a little with explaining mental load. Eg for making a meal:

managing food budget
planning meals and snacks for the entire week
monitoring additional food intake to ensure balanced and healthy diet
planning what ingredients and supplies are needed for the week and creating a list
checking fridge/pantry and cupboards against list
driving to and feel the shop with (kids/kid etc)
completing a food shop based on pre-created list and budget
putting away the food shop
cleaning the kitchen (entire other list)
prepare ingredients for meal
make meal
while cooking, caring for kids, eg prepare activity for kids to do while cooking or monitoring them while cooking
set table for dinner
plate up meal
prepare drinks for kids/adults

Each step may seem pedantic but that’s how you ready demonstrate the load of each task. Very few jobs live in a vacuum and most require a lot of other steps to happen, which some men don’t realise.

"Replacing loo roles and taking the middle to recycling"

😂thoughts and prayers with you at this difficult time

• de-crumbing the toaster
• recharging rechargable batteries/ taking unrechargable batteries to be recycled
• being in for deliveries/ rearranging deliveries/ going to collect packages from drop-off points/ distribution centres
• fixing/ maintaining - incl topping up tyre pressure, cleaning/ oiling etc - any bicycles owned by the household
• making sure there are always things like spare light bulbs, fuses, cleaning sponges & cloths, bin-bags, stationery items in the house

What a grim way to approach a relationship, tallying up lists of who does more.

In a healthy relationship,it's not about totting upa 'grim' tally.
It's about (mutually) noticing/ appreciating/ valuing all the things the other person does, as a natural part of living a life together, caring for each other and sharing the load, whatever it is.
By paying attention to what actually needs done, and how to do it, you're actually creating a partnership that is more sustainable/ likely to weather any storms and last a long time.
If one of you was suddenly incapacitated, or (worst case scenario) killed, would the other person know what to do/ how to cope?!

Are there? Are there really?

Because on here the only SAHMs I see like that are the ones with babies and very small children. And looking after a small baby is a full time job in itself.

Depending on your school, 'school admin' could use breaking down.

School uniform, pe kit, plimpsolls, etc, need buying, recycling and getting to school on the right day while keeping an eye on the wear and tear and fit

Homework/Reading

Projects - ours have 2 a term which require thought, supplies and some support

Special days - as above but also sometimes a payment needs to be remembered and outfits bought/made

School dinners or packed lunches require thought and admin

The endless cake bakes/donations/bring a thing etc etc

It all adds up.........

Slowly but surely, dh has taken on more. This thread is reminding me of that and I am pleased to see how many of the things people are listing are no longer done entirely by me.

Mental load i can remember in last few days, for me AND dh include:

Prepping for cleaner- getting bedding out, sorting kids room, agreeing timetable with her
Cats are still vettomorrrow - i set up appointment ans diarised it. Dh will do appointment, I reminded him today.
Meal planning amd online shopping
Bin and recycling sort out for collection today
Ds tutor reschedule
Dd's half term activities/playdate finalisation
Cat litter cleaning and buying
Easter planning.

I have done about 60-70% of the above. A huge improvement. A few years ago, dh would have done bins only.

Agree everyone should try to understand the minutiae of their partner's day to day if there's discontent over chores. There actually isn't in my case, I don't really know what exactly he tips away at any more than he knows what I tip away at. Just that he's busy and happy, and I'm busy and happy.

I broke out my tasks specifically because the OP asked for posters too. Added my DH's in case anything was useful for her list. Thank you for the reminder I do the weeding, sowing and fence painting though!

How condescending. This task takes time and energy - like so many “small” tasks, someone in the house has to do it, it doesn’t do itself! The pooh-poohing of all the small jobs that add up is disgraceful, and exactly the ignorant attitude that got the OP to start this thread in the first place.

It’s not grim. Presenting it this way is usually the argument of the person who does less and wants their partner to take on the lion share.

Do you live in a different time, or on a different planet? Certainly no men I know earn all the money and the woman doesnt work! Often it’s the woman who earns more than the man!

The point of breaking down all this work is also to acknowledge that it is work, a lot of work, that somebody has to be doing …. or the kids miss out and we end up living in a filthy shambles eating crap food. Not to acknowledge the full extent of that unseen and unpaid labour - traditionally and even now generally still - done by women is in itself proof of society’s inherent bias.

This isn't a bad approach. I similarly stopped consulting DH on finances (apart from "your share is £X") and inlaw visits (I like them so I arrange things) and just suit myself...

I have an AuDHD child. She was diagnosed at 7, had very problematic behaviour before that (and since, but easier once you know what you're dealing with) has required various therapies and I had to do two tribunals to wring an EHCP out of the local authority. Plus I had to put a lot of work into finding a suitable secondary and attempting to make sure they comply with the EHCP. Plus I may have to do this again for 16+ then HE.

All of this requires endless form filling, emailing and record keeping to make sure people don't wiggle out of things.

DH has done about 5-10% of the work I think (he does support homework).

So don't forget the SEN paperwork OP.

Don’t know if anyone has mentioned- enrolling you child in school, it’s not automatic and each school has to be applied for plus being the primary contact with school and the daily/weekly emails/letters/admin, non uniform days, fancy dress days, take something for the tombola days, the friendships/play dates (and subsequent dietary requirements of friend coming to tea). Doctors- vaccinations, prescriptions, doctor visits. Swimming/out of school activities -finding out about/ organising/taking.
Clothes/shoes- ensuring child has clothes and shoes that fit EVERY season, and subsequently getting rid of clothes that don’t fit.
Toys- ensuring child has age appropriate toys and removing/getting rid of those that are too young/old. Cleaning and clearing the kitchen after every meal. Cleaning the toilets (men seem to avoid this). Cleaning floors - vacuuming and mopping. Dusting, removing spider webs and spiders. Cleaning the bath/shower/sink. Descaling the kettle/shower heads. Cleaning the dishwasher and washing machine filters and machine. Cleaning/vacuuming the curtains. Stripping washing and remaking beds. Cleaning towels/dishcloths/teatowels. Shopping for food/ all events. If you work, holiday care cover. Buying for birthday/Christmas presents/ Mother’s Day /Father’s Day (if you buy for his family - pass that back onto him!). Bring in when plumber/workmen/ delivery is expected. That’s off the top of my head, there will be loads more but my brain is fried!

I don’t. I work a 40 hour week on average, sometimes 45. I’m self employed so I also do my own accounts, taxes and my own work related data.
I still expect the same level of input that I am putting in. I don’t get it, but I expect it, because if I’m doing equal earning of money, he should do equal household tasks.

Sorting clothes. I don't mean laundry. I mean knowing which clothes they're growing out of, buying new, labelling if necessary (I ordered all the labels), and getting rid of the old ones. DH will happily crowd a drawer full of new socks but NEVER THROWS ANYTHING OUT.

If you do a bunch of things, surely you know what they are.

DH's list.

Go to work.
Fettle bikes.
Do car stuff.
Watch copious quantities of Dave.
Drive @needle and offspring about
Buy and cook food.
Dishwasher.
Wash laundry but only occasionally hang it and never put it away.
Do stuff @needle asks me to do, sometimes with good grace.

That's literally it, and apart from the volume of food, laundry, etc, very similar to when he was a single man.

So many things take thought, time and effort but remain unseen, here are a few - cleaning the cupboard fronts, handles, skirting boards, cleaning the windows, blinds and UPVC, descaling the kettle, emptying the toaster crumbs, washing the blankets on the sofa, cleaning the rug, refilling the handsoap, cleaning the fridge, keeping track of the dates on the food, hoovering the doormat, dusting lampshades, replacing remote control batteries, restocking ketchup mayo etc, watering plants, checking amounts of and buying toilet roll, kitchen rolls, tissues, tea bags, washing up liquid, detergent etc. Must be lovely to live in a house where everything is clean and nothing ever runs out. Need to get myself a wife!

This x 1000
Omg the amount of stuff that lives in a place that I've organised, stored, bought, thought about, shopped and paid for...it all adds up. Hair bobbles, safety pins, plasters, pens, sellotape, stamps, matches, batteries, washing up sponges, toothpaste, face wipes, dishwasher tablets, note books, light bulbs, toilet rolls, candles for birthday cakes, wine...insurance, anniversaries, birthdays, adaptors, chargers... and on and on and on it goes. If it runs out...I source and replace it, if it needs planning its in the diary.
Don't get me started on the bloody letters that are opened and left on the kitchen side. I swear to god if I have to ask one more time 'bin or keep?' I shall murder the recipient.

Thise days are long, long gone.

I have a more senior job and bring in more money than my husband, as do many people on this thread.