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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say DP must take responsibility for his elderly dog

66 replies

Libertybelle21 · 01/04/2026 00:19

Thoughts on what to do with 12 year old intermittently incontinent dog and owner (DP)…?

Both DP and I work full time, 2 kids aged 3 and 6. He came with the dog, but as he works away a lot, the burden of care largely falls to me. Not such an issue pre kids but it is now I am drowning with the logistics of work/ kids/ perimenopause, without the additional dog burden.

Have put up with it so far as I figured it was a package deal, but I am feeling increasingly screwed over for the amount of time, energy and (joint) money I spend on the dog. Which just takes away from any time, energy or money spent on myself.

And I am really struggling with the regular canine redecoration of our house (at least once a month, often more), which I arrived back to after a long day at work today….
Poo and wee over the kitchen floor, the sofa and living room carpet, the toilet floor….
Today is because DP forgot to book a dog walker or even ask MiL to let dog out : ( so am mostly feeling sorry for the poor doggo this time.
Other reasons for in house shits include:

  • not being taken out for a proper walk (she will wee but won’t poo in our garden)
  • inflammatory bowel disease (largely under control with special diet)
  • a terrible fear of hot air balloons and fireworks
but there is no obvious precipitant half the time.

TBH I don’t think DP does a great job of looking after her even when he is around… forgets to buy dog food when it runs out, or let her out for a wee between work calls, although he does walk her every day

I’m thinking he shouldn’t have a dog if even he can’t manage to look after her properly/ make arrangements for her when he’s not around.
I’m finding the logistics of school, childcare and work hard enough already, in addition to perimenopause joy, I can’t be dealing with the dog too.

But whilst I am merely fond of our dog but not massively attached, he adores her more than the children and I don’t know what to do next. We can’t rehome her at this age/ state, we can’t put her down (I doubt he’ll even consider a discussion on this without getting upset and angry) he can’t quit his job and I just can’t keep doing this…

OP posts:
HortiGal · 01/04/2026 00:26

It’s quite odd that you don’t see her as a family dog and resent her, it’s not the dogs fault he’s hopeless.
To haw the dog left all day due to him forgetting the dog walker is pathetic and you sit back and watch her be neglected?

WinterSunglasses · 01/04/2026 00:28

Make him feel bad for letting his beloved dog down through his own laziness. In future he books a dog walker and cleaner and that comes from his own fun spending money, not your joint money. If food has run out, he goes right then to the 24 hour supermarket and gets more. Don't let him make it your job.

SconehengeRevenge · 01/04/2026 00:31

How can you not see his neglectful "care" as anything other than a huge red flag?

Silverbirchleaf · 01/04/2026 00:33

Alot of online pet stores do subscriptions. Can you (or dp) set up something like this to get regular food?

is the dog allergic to certain food, hence the intermittent incontinence?

Have you spoken to the vet about his incontinence?

Who looked after the dog before he came to you? Have you been looking after the dog for over seven years(if your kids are three and six) , so it wasn’t always elderly? Does dp now consider it a family pet?

BeRedHedgehog · 01/04/2026 00:35

Sounds terrible, for you and the dog. I think you need to calmly explain that you're struggling in general and that you need more support. Point out that loving a dog actually includes meeting all of it's needs, not just the nice cuddles when they fit in with his schedule. If you are both full time, he needs to organise (and pay) for a dog walker every day, and walk her morning and evening himself. He needs to take his dog to the vet for some anti anxiety medication around firework times. He needs to set up an automatic order for dog food delivery if he can't be trusted to order when needed.
And I'm not saying this primarily because it is his dog, he needs to help reduce the mental and physical load on you, and this is a start. Is he just as lazy with childcare and housework?

Pistachiocake · 01/04/2026 00:35

Poor dog-he adores her but isn't looking after her? If she is old and ill, she probably doesn't have much time left and it make break her heart to be rehomed, even assuming anyone would take on a "difficult" dog. I'm told those who work in dog welfare are still struggling with all the dogs abandoned after the lockdowns.
Could MIL help more (no, I am not saying it's her job, but if she has the time and the heart for this poor thing, could she?), or could you all sit down and figure out a way to look after her in the time she has left? Him setting alarms on his phone about letting her out/ordering food deliveries etc might be a start.

Icecreamisthebest · 01/04/2026 00:41

He doesn't actually love the dog if he won't look after her. He is neglecting her.

I would sit down for a chat with him and have a list of the issues. If he can't come up with workable solutions for each issue and stick with them then I would suggest that the dog needs to be rehomed or PTS. One solution may be that he changes his job so that he is actually home all the time.

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 01/04/2026 00:41

How can you stay with someone so cruel as to "forget" to meet the basic needs of a living being who is completely reliant on him? Are you ok with him not feeding your children or not helping your toddler with toileting needs?

Poor dog. She didn't do anything to deserve such neglect.

caringcarer · 01/04/2026 00:43

I'd organise a dog walker and bill him for it. Order dog food online with shop and again bill him for it. What you have described is owner neglect. It's not the dogs fault it has a useless owner.

Changeitbacktomorrow · 01/04/2026 00:54

Urgh. Some men are hopeless. My life revolves around my dogs, to the detriment of my own wants and desires, but that’s what taking dogs on means. I remember my ex getting a puppy and then shortly afterwards we were going away for the weekend, he was planning on leaving the puppy shut in at his for the weekend with bowls of dry food and plenty of newspaper down. Obviously I didn’t let that happen, and took the dog with me when we split up.

thetinsoldier · 01/04/2026 01:04

HortiGal · 01/04/2026 00:26

It’s quite odd that you don’t see her as a family dog and resent her, it’s not the dogs fault he’s hopeless.
To haw the dog left all day due to him forgetting the dog walker is pathetic and you sit back and watch her be neglected?

It’s even odder that he professes to love the dog yet still neglects her, no??

INeedAnotherName · 01/04/2026 01:05

He is cruel. He is neglectful. He is abusing another living creature. He is causing her pain and suffering (she will be holding on to that wee for as long as possible).

How can you love such a horrible and selfish human being? Get rid of that abusive waste of space and also find a new home for her, she'll probably flourish (and not have forced incontinence) with decent owners.

Francestein · 01/04/2026 02:00

He’s letting his whole family down here. The dog, his partner and the kids. Nobody should be in this position.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/04/2026 04:09

HortiGal · 01/04/2026 00:26

It’s quite odd that you don’t see her as a family dog and resent her, it’s not the dogs fault he’s hopeless.
To haw the dog left all day due to him forgetting the dog walker is pathetic and you sit back and watch her be neglected?

dont you think it’s quite odd he adores her more than his children but does fuck all for her?

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/04/2026 04:10

because I adore my children but I would resent the fuck out of dh leaving all the parenting to me.

thornbury · 01/04/2026 05:53

As a first step, don't let the dog have free rein in the house when everyone is out. Keep it in the kitchen or somewhere with hard floors.

LifeIsShambolic · 01/04/2026 06:18

How have you not gone ballistic at this complete tool of a man?

He seriously needs to step up, forgetting the dog walker and letting the poor thing go all day without the opportunity to go to the toilet is disgraceful.

How can he say he loves something that he can't even remember to get food for?

Your husband is neglecting the dogs very basic needs....does he realise no food/no toilet is animal abuse? Doesn't sound so loving when you say it like that does it.

babyproblems · 01/04/2026 06:30

The dog needs to see the vet. There are possible treatments for the incontinence - however it’s not incontinence if the dog is weeing inside etc because they cannot get out to the garden as they’ve been shut in with no walk - that’s not incontinence, its neglect.

the dog needs walking and needs feeding. I think it’s your family dog and everyone needs to do better. Book a dog walker; I understand you feel resentful but in this case I think everyone needs to give more. Life is busy but it’s not an excuse for neglect.

Wallywobbles · 01/04/2026 06:32

Fuck me I’d rip him apart for this. What an unbelievable wanker he is.

loislovesstewie · 01/04/2026 06:35

The dog is being neglected. If she's not being fed, walked , given stimulating activities then those are basic requirements. Has she been assessed by a vet to check on her physical health? Does she have behaviour issues that cause her to do the toileting in the house? He needs to take her to the vets for a check up. He needs to get himself organised so she is walked etc. My dog started weeing in the house when he developed diabetes, and another did the same due to a inoperable tumour.
It's cruel to not deal with this.
As for forgetting food! I despair.

LoudSnoringDog · 01/04/2026 06:36

How can he “adore” the dog when his care for her is appalling?????

WellConfusedandDazed · 01/04/2026 06:40

Your DH adores the dog but doesn’t look after her properly and forgets to let her out? This would infuriate me. My DH adores our animals and is obsessed with their care, particularly our lovely dog. He doesn’t do everything but makes sure it is done. Time to have a serious chat with your DH about your frustration. Dogs are very schedule oriented and she should be walked and fed at the same times everyday. It might also help the bowel issues if she’s walked at least twice a day. 15-20 minutes is fine for an elderly dog. My dog basically is trained to poo as these times.

TheGoldenOwl · 01/04/2026 06:40

This is going to sound bonkers but....

Go off him. Sexually. Tell him this is the reason; him not looking after and being neglectful of his dog makes him kind of...well...not sexy. You can't help it etc... it's just how you feel sexually

Men will usually move heaven and earth to fix this problem 🙄

And lets be honest it is true anyway. Nothing less sexy than a man who indulges in animal neglect/abuse.

givemesteel · 01/04/2026 06:41

Needs to be an ultimatum, he takes responsibility for the dog or it goes.

Needs to be a daily dog walker coming in. Food subscription. As far as possible he cleans the accidents up when he gets in from work. If he's not willing to do the above then stand your ground, if he loves the dog and can see you're serious then he will.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/04/2026 06:41

Presumably you have been together for the majority of this dog's life? As in, they are 12,and your oldest child is 6? At this stage it is a family dog I'm afraid. Yes, he is crap. And I would be thoroughly furious. But it is your responsibility too, so a routine dog walker etc needs to be booked, food on subscription, walks etc.