AIBU to say DP must take responsibility for his elderly dog

[Libertybelle21]

Thoughts on what to do with 12 year old intermittently incontinent dog and owner (DP)…?

Both DP and I work full time, 2 kids aged 3 and 6. He came with the dog, but as he works away a lot, the burden of care largely falls to me. Not such an issue pre kids but it is now I am drowning with the logistics of work/ kids/ perimenopause, without the additional dog burden.

Have put up with it so far as I figured it was a package deal, but I am feeling increasingly screwed over for the amount of time, energy and (joint) money I spend on the dog. Which just takes away from any time, energy or money spent on myself.

And I am really struggling with the regular canine redecoration of our house (at least once a month, often more), which I arrived back to after a long day at work today….
Poo and wee over the kitchen floor, the sofa and living room carpet, the toilet floor….
Today is because DP forgot to book a dog walker or even ask MiL to let dog out : ( so am mostly feeling sorry for the poor doggo this time.
Other reasons for in house shits include:

• not being taken out for a proper walk (she will wee but won’t poo in our garden)
• inflammatory bowel disease (largely under control with special diet)
• a terrible fear of hot air balloons and fireworks

but there is no obvious precipitant half the time.

TBH I don’t think DP does a great job of looking after her even when he is around… forgets to buy dog food when it runs out, or let her out for a wee between work calls, although he does walk her every day

I’m thinking he shouldn’t have a dog if even he can’t manage to look after her properly/ make arrangements for her when he’s not around.
I’m finding the logistics of school, childcare and work hard enough already, in addition to perimenopause joy, I can’t be dealing with the dog too.

But whilst I am merely fond of our dog but not massively attached, he adores her more than the children and I don’t know what to do next. We can’t rehome her at this age/ state, we can’t put her down (I doubt he’ll even consider a discussion on this without getting upset and angry) he can’t quit his job and I just can’t keep doing this…

I'm assuming the OP meant, he loves the dog more than the children do? At least, I hope so 😬

He neglects the dog yet loves her more than the children? What a prince among men you have there!

This is really sad at a time in her life when the dog relies on you most. You need to book a regular dog walker so she is never forgotten and book food on subscription. And have a serious talk with DH about whether he still wants the responsibility that comes with a dog and how he needs to step up or look at alternatives. Very sad for the poor dog.

The poor dog in all this. How long are you leaving them without a toilet break?

Have you taken them to the vet? My old dog wouldn’t poo or pee inside unless they were sick or hadn’t been taken out so I don’t think it’s inevitable at 12.

For admin, set up a subscription on pet drugs online or similar - we get all our food and medication delivered and I find It cheaper than getting from our vet as well as the convenience.

I’d also be having some serious conversations with your husband, it sounds like he is neglecting the dogs basic needs. If he can’t remember to take them out he needs to be setting an alarm every couple of hours. What if you are get ill? Is he just going to forget to do anything for you?

Poor dog !!

The poor dog. He’s a neglectful arsehole.
Forgetting to arrange someone to let the dog out for a wee, forgetting to buy food… yet he apparently loves this animal.
The more I hear about men, the more I hate them.

Also If he is being this forgetful I'd start making a lot of noise about his age, his executive function, suggest doctors appts, dont hide it from friends and family.....

Has the dog been taken to the vets? By either of you? Yes it’s his dog but when he’s not around and you’re caring for it, then it’s also your responsibility. But if it’s toileting because it’s not being let out in the day then that’s neglectful of both of you, not just him.

Can’t she be confined to hard flooring area when out or overnight to avoid stuff on carpet/sofa? Our dog is approaching 13 and occasionally has a poo accident as she finds it more difficult to tell when she needs to go due to some loss of sensation in her rear end. She no longer has free access to rest of house when we are out and we keep her in kitchen as it can easily be cleaned up.

Unfortunately this type of thing isn’t uncommon when dogs get old and it’s just part and parcel of having a dog, but the dog needs to be vet checked, there could be medication that will help, and can’t be left for a whole day without someone coming in, whoever arranges it.

At this point it’s both of your responsibilities to look after this dog.

Set up a subscription from his acc for the dog food and book a dog walker on repeat from his acc, poor dog is being neglected at an age where it doesn’t ask for much just food , a walk and some company

Agree on all the practical points, most of this is in place and I had been overseeing it all until recently.

He works away on an unpredictable schedule which doesn’t help with scheduling walks - although of course this needs to happen.
Of course he cleans up if he is home at the time.
Dog food is on a subscription but the kibble ran out and he failed to mention it (we still have wet food for her, kibble arrives today).

I am looking after my mum who is in early stages of dementia, and as an example, recently left the gas hob on all day. My daughter is neurodivergent, and physically aggressive with me specifically when he is away. I’m getting it from every direction at the moment- including mumsnet!

I’m drowning in it all and I had hoped a grown man could manage his own dog.

Yeah, I think this is how it’s going to have to be. Thank you for a helpful post x

I just don’t think he loves her in a very effective way. Infuriating. His dog that he loves so much is actually suffering. Tbh it makes me very dubious about him round kids if I’m honest.

Hard because I would never choose to have a dog with children this young, though I know people do.

I wouldn’t suggest pts personally (though I have no issue with it at all and often think it’s the obvious answer to a lot of pet threads on here) but imo you jointly need to agree a much better care regime with money thrown at it. I’d tell him that at a pretty high volume.

poor dog, sounds like a miserable life
His adoration for her certainly isn’t meeting his actions is it, what an absolute melt you’ve married

Just want to say thank you for all the helpful and supportive posts, lots of good ideas to take on board. I agree he is being shit (no pun intended) and it is heartbreaking all round. Xx

Yes let’s blame the woman. Are you really that short sighted??

She’s a neglected dog, not a difficult one. He needs to do better.

I'd get rid of it - the partner, I mean. How can you have any respect for someone who fails to meet the very basic care needs of a living thing that is totally reliant on them. Failing that he pays for a daily dog walker, booked in advance and bulk buy food. But honestly, this behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm interested to know if he was the sole carer for the dog before you got together as you said they came as a package. If so did he do better then or has the dog always been neglected?

You said he adores the dog more than his children, but he cannot manage even the absolute bare minimum of caring for the dog (toileting, food,walk)?!?! Do your children need removing by social services then, because presumably he seriously neglects them too if they are even lower on his list of things he "cares" about?!

I would leave this awful, lazy, neglectful man. Seriously. He SAYS he loves the dog, but none of it is true. His actions are screaming that he does not care. How are you trusting a word coming from his mouth?

How could you choose THIS fail of a man to listen to, respect, have sex with, and choose to present as the optimal father figure to your precious children? It's about so much more than just the dog being actively, harmfully neglected in your own home (although that poor animal needs putting out of the misery he CHOOSES to inflict on it). What a piece of shit he is.

Your DP is a champ amongst men isn’t he! He makes sure the only responsibility he has is work and leaves you and dog struggling. He needs to pay you back for what you have paid out and you need to make sure you get a dog walker to ensure the dog gets walked.

If he can’t walk the dog he needs to throw his money at it and have a walker once or twice a day. Poor dog. Anyone would mess locked in a house for hours no access to toileting.
Forgetting to book a walker is horrendous, I’d no more leave my elderly dog uncared for than a child. They are totally reliant on you.

What is the point of such a lazy selfish waster?
Could you manage without him financially?
Think about it.
I couldn't stand that mess in the house.
Time for some hard decisions i think.
What a loser.

Exactly this! shame on you!!!

You lost me at perimenopause tbh. It's a life change that every woman goes through, not a disability You are both badly neglecting this dog and it's cruel. I've got a very much loved 12 year old dog and he can barely go more than 2 hours these days without having to empty his bladder. I really wish I hadn't opened this thread.

That poor poor dog is being neglected. I could never respect anyone who would forget to book a dog walker, forget to get food and leave their dog to pee and poo all over the house and i could never sit and watch it happen. What a terrible shame.