Does everyone turn “funny” or bitter in the old age?

[KalmsOneaNight]

I have a very small family, so my sample is small, and I am hoping to hear that some people have had different experience.

DG (this is DM’s account as I live in another country): in her late 70s onwards, was saying this like “still alive” when DM would call her daily, and not in jokey way. Gaslighting DM for living her life, instead of constantly fussing over her. They have always had a difficult relationship.

DM (now 75) swore to me that she will never be like this. True enough, she does not complain. For conext - I have not seen them for a few years. Partly due to war Covid, the war, they are in the Ukraine. I know they resent me for not going but DF has been nasty to me my whole life, she has just watched, so I do use it as an excuse. I support them financially. Instead of GM tactics, she gives me silent treatment. No detail of their life, no complaints, one line daily updates, mainly “all ok” like she went LC with me. I called her the other day, she said “what would you like to discuss?” Not acknowledged Mother’s Day greeting either. This came on gradually over the last two or three years. When they need a significant injection of cash beyond what I send them monthly, she puts DF on the phone, who only is nice to me when they need something.

Now, I adore my DC and they are also keen to live abroad. I never want to be like either of them, but neither did DM and here we are. I want to be generous and supportive of my DC, no matter circumstances, to pass no veiled resentment.

FIL has never reached 80s. He was a true gent when we first met 20 years ago, but has over time become a bitter, bullish man towards MIL.

I am aware that change of character can be an early sign of dementia.

MIL is 82, switched on in her comfort zone, has her moments but generally emotionally she is not hard work like the other three.

I would love to hear some other stories and any tips on how to not be I’m like this.

Also, DC worked a carer to elderly for a few years and some really old people were lovely. No idea if they were like this with DC only as a stranger and what they were like with their DC. But she did say that those who have not “given up”, not lost interest in themselves and the world are the ones who remain upbeat and lovely to work with.

What was your answer to your Mother? Do you think that the war is affecting your DM? I think whatever personality flaws and negative traits a person has, gets worse with age. If it wasn't for the war, I'd say have it out with her. She can be bothered to take your money, but can't be bothered to speak to you.

@Ponoka7 I said to her - no agenda, just a catch up, she was quiet, and I was trying to fill the silence, until she said DF called her three times and she has to go. It’s embarrassing that I still babble like a child. What you said is exactly what my DH says, happy enough to take my money….

I cannot see myself confronting her ever. She was always a domineering, explosive character who minimised how DF has treated me. But she was also very loving in many ways. No double about the war impact, I think she also feels powerless over her life and me now, but I honestly do not know if it’s a manipulation or illness. I will not have it out with her because I do not want to upset her more if she is fragile but I also think she will stonewall any questions, which makes a remote relationship even technically difficult.

Still, I do not want this thread to be about my situation specifically, but about how not to be come like this?

I don’t think everyone goes like that. My Mum was always a nightmare and got dementia but my Dad died of cancer shortly before he was 85. Diagnosis and died 5 days later so had clearly been living with it and not told anyone. I have a rose in my back garden he dug up about 3 weeks before he died.

He was the love of my stepmum’s life and it has been difficult for her without him but she has cracked on, is lovely and never complains. She is waiting for a biopsy result and I really hope all ok.

My neighbour is in her 70s and yesterday told me I should have let her know about something that happened and she would have helped me clean up, she has leukeumia.

So I think it is an individual thing. All 3 of the above are/were quite stoic and pragmatic and counted their blessings rather than looked at the negatives of a situation and I think that mind set helps.

@Seaitoverthere Thank you, I hope your SM is OK. It’s a lovely story about the rose, what colour is it?

Good point about counting your blessings, very similar to fashionable “gratitude journals”, and just shows it works.

My parents are 80 and haven’t turned like that yet either. My dad has terminal cancer and even through that he’s stayed positive, hasn’t focussed on it and has looked on the bright side (“I’d prefer to go of cancer than dementia!”) and my mum is charmingly British about it “none of us are going to live forever darling”.

They are very lucky though in that they’ve had a long and happy marriage, plenty of money, lots of friends, hobbies and a generally positive outlook on life.

My aunt was not like this. She had a traumatic childhood (very traumatic) and made a choice early on that she would focus on all the good things that happened to her. She lived to be 84, and even though she demented towards the end, she always always chose to see the good things in life. It was a very deliberate choice. She was a joy to be around right to the end, and I learned a lot from her about how I want to live my life.

Well, I don’t think I’m bitter or ‘funny’. 😳

But, then again, I’ve always had a positive upbeat take on life - through any stress and trauma, I’ve just batted on.

My DH dying knocked me for 6, mentally and physically, for a while, but I knew I needed to climb out of having my own little self pity-party so I did.

Perhaps it just depends on your underlying personality. 🤷‍♀️

No.

young people have a variety of personalities. So do old people.

family relationships can be complicated. Many people would not financially support a parent they didn’t get on with.

No. But according to Mumsnet they do.

Your daughter’s got it wrong. People don’t get like this because they lose interest in themselves. It happens when they lose interest in other people and the world around them.

Basically, if you’re a shit young person, you’re probably going to be a shit old
person.

I'd say optimism, a sense of humour and generosity have a lot to do with it. My dad has these qualities in spades and has not become cantankerous as he's got older; he's not hugely old though (78).

My DFIL is pretty cool too; he is very loving and generous with family and friends, although he and my DH can sometimes go down a rabbit hole of resentment about bailing out people who don't pull their weight in society (they are both very hard workers and very high tax payers as a result).

I think what PP said about it magnifying your inherent personality traits is very true.

I think it's about still living a full life. Life changes as we age, you have to embrace it. It's important to still have things that you want to do and sometimes force yourself out of your comfort zone. It's said being involved in your family, or community is important. My single, childfree sister (70) still volunteers and is very active in her church. She also goes on protest marches etc. I'm my DD's childcare and I do local, interest, adult education/cookery/wreath making etc courses. I'm lucky to have no health issues, so I do some shopping and dog walking for neighbours. I still have a social life. My DP's Mum (83) forces herself to go to bingo and to her local social club, she can't dance anymore, but stands and moves her arms. Too many women allow the grumpy old men they live with, drag them down. Luckily, here in the UK, we can get rid.

My dad was great until my mum passed away. He's really unpleasant to be around and I've backed off a lot. He's fine with other people but myself and my sister take the brunt of it. I wonder if my mum kept him in check when she was alive and this was his true self all along?

100% agree that the key is to stay interested in life and the people around you. Often that means also having an outside interest like art, politics, hobbies, sport, religion. Which one it is doesn't really matter. The most unhappy older people I have met have been those whose main interest throughout life was themselves. As their own bodies and lives becone more limited, their outlook does too.

My neighbours - in their 80s - are truly horrible, but then they always were, or at least one of them was. Not sure they can use age as an excuse.

My GM was awful once she passed 75. She was always whinging about something or other, and every time I sorted out the issue she would just move on to something new. My DF has now turned into a carbon copy of his mother (even though he used to say “if I get like that, shoot me!)
DF spends much of his time on the internet diagnosing himself with various illnesses to account for his general lethargy and aches/pains, but when I suggest solutions ignores them and sits watching tv. I’ve given up 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think age just accentuates character traits that were always there - the filters just come off.

Exactly.

Difficult, self-obsessed people are highly unlikely to mellow with age.

Ailing health becoming a barrier to engaging with wider life can turn people more inwards. With one relative who had a great, active 70s, her mental connection with the world faded along with her physical ability. The biggest change was in her late 80s when her daily walk to the village, buying her day's groceries and newspaper got too much and she lost that community connection, news and suduko puzzles. This was shortly before lockdowns which then reduced her world to her house, a couple of family members and healthcare as she slipped into health crises mode in her last couple of years. At least prior to that point, she'd managed about 88 years with the essence of her lovely personality. She used to grumble about the "old" people who were younger than her who mentally gave in to old age because they hit a number, then did start aging rapidly.

I hope I can optimise my body and brain's chances of working as happily together for as long as possible, to have a decent quality of life, and a key part of that is connection with other people.

My grandmother was very bitter in the last decade but that came from her DH tricking her into marriage, drinking himself to death after 20 years of them living on a shoe string and when she got his last washer packet she discovered he earned twice what he’d told her. Then she started work and did very well but retired to help some family. The family promptly dumped her 4 months later and moved away and she was left at home with very little family, no friends door to the bitterness, and increasing mobility issues. My mum is now going the same way. I will euthanise myself before I end up like that. I will never ever put demands on my kids and demand visits and help that I could get from elsewhere.

in the flip side, my did is a marvel and exactly who I want to age like. He’s 83 this year, still working part time by choice, runs his own boat, does his own diy, is always out and about with friends and visiting etc. working in hobbies and very positive. My mum ( his ex wife) is ten years younger and filled with vitriol. Its crazy.

My mum and dad are 80 and 90 respectively and are not at all bitter or nasty. They have their flaws and their healty problems, but are still kind, grateful for visits and the help we give them, and adore their grandchildren. I think not seeing them face to face would make communication more difficult though, and change the relationship.

My uncle recently lost his wife to cancer. He was always a half glass empty person but now is quite negative. He recently complained about seeing videos of us “eating and drinking” on social media at a long overdue family celebration. He choose to share this when I had shared with him I was going through a particularly tough time. I felt he was being deliberately mean due to his own unhappiness. I feel sorry for him but have blocked him from seeing my social media going forward. He is getting worse as he gets older.

Barring medical issues that can cause personality changes it’s usually a case of those who have always a bit difficult just become more so, their world tends to get smaller so the issues become more pronounced.
My parents were difficult and selfish, the older they got the worse it got but it’s who they always were. FIL has always been and still is a delight in his 90s, my DCs great grandparents were both fabulous until the end.

My parents were really lucky, they had a few hobbies and they belonged to a really great social club, where my mother still has the opportunity to belong to a book club, wine tasting, my dad did walking football for grannies.
So they keep really busy, this kept them going.

Probably other factors as well, I think they were nice people so not too bitter.
Could also have been luck, although my father did have a hard childhood, was beaten by his father in a cruel way, but was very kind to us.

Some people have really nasty things happen to them and they get bitter, I do believe that.

Perhaps some have genetic factors alzheimers, mine luckily did not or my mother has not .

Yeah so keeping active and social I think really important