Does everyone turn “funny” or bitter in the old age?

[KalmsOneaNight]

I have a very small family, so my sample is small, and I am hoping to hear that some people have had different experience.

DG (this is DM’s account as I live in another country): in her late 70s onwards, was saying this like “still alive” when DM would call her daily, and not in jokey way. Gaslighting DM for living her life, instead of constantly fussing over her. They have always had a difficult relationship.

DM (now 75) swore to me that she will never be like this. True enough, she does not complain. For conext - I have not seen them for a few years. Partly due to war Covid, the war, they are in the Ukraine. I know they resent me for not going but DF has been nasty to me my whole life, she has just watched, so I do use it as an excuse. I support them financially. Instead of GM tactics, she gives me silent treatment. No detail of their life, no complaints, one line daily updates, mainly “all ok” like she went LC with me. I called her the other day, she said “what would you like to discuss?” Not acknowledged Mother’s Day greeting either. This came on gradually over the last two or three years. When they need a significant injection of cash beyond what I send them monthly, she puts DF on the phone, who only is nice to me when they need something.

Now, I adore my DC and they are also keen to live abroad. I never want to be like either of them, but neither did DM and here we are. I want to be generous and supportive of my DC, no matter circumstances, to pass no veiled resentment.

FIL has never reached 80s. He was a true gent when we first met 20 years ago, but has over time become a bitter, bullish man towards MIL.

I am aware that change of character can be an early sign of dementia.

MIL is 82, switched on in her comfort zone, has her moments but generally emotionally she is not hard work like the other three.

I would love to hear some other stories and any tips on how to not be I’m like this.

Also, DC worked a carer to elderly for a few years and some really old people were lovely. No idea if they were like this with DC only as a stranger and what they were like with their DC. But she did say that those who have not “given up”, not lost interest in themselves and the world are the ones who remain upbeat and lovely to work with.

The type of person you mom is is hardening due to age, trauma, and life circumstances. Things haven't turned out as she imagined and she's bitter.

I think a turning inwards and introspection happens with aging. If that's positive and you like what you see, that helps with attitude. I think that has to be balanced with remaining engaged in the world outside you too.

Absolutely, I agree with this too.

I had a lot of horrible health problems over the past decade, including a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

I've made a huge effort to try and be as positive as possible, even during very frightening times with my movement disorder and having an adverse reaction to medication etc. It's helped having three children to focus on too, as they really are the thing that keeps me going.

I also read a good article this morning that said about how constant negativity can absolutely reshape your brain, reducing the hippocampus and memory. However, it's also possible to rewire and change it through being positive. Neuroplasticity is certainly a thing too. Being in nature daily helps hugely too.

Old person and medical secretary (still working albeit very part-time) here.
In my experience, many older people suffer from depression, hence the gloomy, grumpy behaviour. A small dose of antidepressant can make a huge difference. They are often prejudiced against taking antdepressants. My mother wasn't keen but I asked the GP (who had asked me if she might be depressed) to be the one who asked her to try medication as I knew she wouldn't listen to me. It made a huge difference to her mood and she started taking an interest again. Some of my aging contemporaries are starting to get low in mood too. I think it is deteriorating health in general, loneliness (living alone after a lifetime of having children and partner around them and having too much time on your hands (some people have never had any hobbies or like reading, etc).

My Mother was a bitter twisted narcissist.

She didn’t get better with age, she just forgot who she told what lies to so got more frustrated.

She ended up in a home with dementia, one of the staff told me once how she understood my infrequent visits as she had witnessed her vitriol.

I really think it’s personality and you are unpleasant or pleasant.

I think it's very easy to become socially isolated and less open-minded with age. I see this with three of my elderly relatives, but particularly aunt and MIL, neither of whom make any effort socially any more. Both are in their 80s, both able-bodied, but have become very reclusive and resentful of those who aren't. How to avoid becoming like this and also bitter, which tends to accompany this behaviour? Don't become a recluse!

My DF is still fully engaged with life. He meets friends, volunteers, drives, visits people, has people over, walks his dogs, gardens, travels, reads widely, listens to music and the news. He's as engaged with life as I am and he's always in and out. Yes, he's had some health problems, he has some pain and stiffness, but he gets up every day and gets on with his life. Age is not preventing him from living a full and interesting life. He's an example to me. My DGM was the same - always doing things, seeing people, getting out and about. That's how I plan to be until I am no longer able or I drop dead.

My dad and FIL are the same age (75), both widowed. They couldn't be more different

FIL has social hobbies and exercises , travels globally, still has football season ticket. Very engaged with his grandchildren Retains a really positive outlook despite his knocks in life. He's inspiring.

My dad is slowly drinking himself to death, is depressed but won't seek help. Barely leaves the town he lives in, plans nothing if we visit. Definitely sees himself as a victim and can be bitter but he was always this way.

My 8 year old describes one of her grandads as "old" but not the other. I know who I hope to be...

at the very end, a lot mellow out and become childlike.
i think a lot made choices and suffered and want the next generation to make the same choices to make that suffering worth it

No, of course they don't all. My maternal grandparents were lovely until the end. Never knew my paternal grandfather. Grandmother had dementia for quite a long time.
Dh's and my parents are late 70s-early 80s. The only one who at all fits your labels is my mum, but with good reason. She has earlyish dementia, is very immobile and her life is just one long round of medical appointments. She's had enough.

I think older people do drop their mask, they don't care as much about what people think and just say what they want to and there is often a fall in inhibitions allowing them to say things they never would have when they were younger. Then you have depression, loneliness, boredom, a feeling of not being valued or respected, fear of dying and then symptoms of dementia. Hard to be upbeat and cheerful if you are looking into the blackness.

I think most of us will tbh. I used to be so positive, so ‘we can work this out’ about everything but health issues, deaths, money and relationship crap, not to mention just work and kids has exhausted me and sadly I’m a totally different person (and I’m only 46!).

I think of my mum, my granny, god my mil, they were so different before they got older and life properly got at them! I think we can all say we won’t go a certain way but a huge amount of us will (and not just the people who were always negative)

It’s a very mixed bag - my FIL is 86 and a lovely old chap and on his own after looking after both his wife and a 10 year partner before they died - he looks good, well dressed, eats well, keeps home lovely , is generous with money, has all his marbles - he does fixate on an issue and repeats himself but that’s as bad as it gets really- I do know he’s sad that his world is smaller and lots of friends and family are no longer with us but he remains upbeat . He always says ‘I’m yesterdays man’

I suppose the physical deterioration of old age isn't going to make anyone feel jolly. I do think it's more about underlying personality traits than the march of time, though. MIL got a particularly nasty type of dementia, and carers in the home hearing her speak to us would assure us it was 'just the dementia talking'. It wasn't. It was her on one of her worst days x 1000. Not her fault, but not entirely out of character either.
Her DH, on the other hand, was always a mild and accepting man who tried to crack terrible jokes right to the end of a terrible final illness.

Same. My mum died 12 years ago and my father has become an embittered, self absorbed and childish dementor in the last decade or so.
He was decent when younger.

Well, I’d agree that older people are no longer worried about impressing others. But most of us retain politeness and tolerance. 😉

I understand that each generation has different views on everything, all generations think they know it all, and i just roll my eyes, out of their way. 😉

It is David Austin’s Maid of Kent, a pink one.

I mean, the truth is that it isn’t about age at all. To me, it’s like drunk people. People always claim “oh I’m someone else” when they’re drunk. Nope, you’re still you, just perhaps with some of the brakes off. Drink doesn’t turn nice people into total arseholes (though I suppose some “nice” people may become aggressive, but that just means the aggression was already inside them), and neither does age. Yes, dementia can, but it can also just be the cumulative affects of a lifetime of happinesses, yes, but also sorrows.

But no one should be using JUST age as an excuse. Your parents sound like they have always been difficult, and the war and aging has just exacerbated that. My mother would be thrilled I was outside of Ukraine and wouldn’t want me to come visit until it was 100% safe. Your mother doesn’t seem to be very happy that you’re safe. Is there any jealousy? If you have a nice DH, versus what your DF is like, and you’re not in a war zone, she may be unhappy that you’re not struggling like she is, unfortunately. Some people are like that. My point is that… basically, we should all practice not being cunts to each other at any age, and age (in the absence of dementia) is not a good reason to treat your loved ones to a big helping of emotional abuse.

ETA: A big part of this is always being grateful, yes. Even my house runs more smoothly when I remember to be grateful and polite, telling my husband thank you when he brings me a cup of tea. I tell him I appreciate him every day.

My granny was 98 when she passed away and she was wonderful. Had a stroke at 96 which left her frail but her personality never changed. We're a big family and would always joke that every child born somehow improved on perfection because she adored every one of us and was always singing someone's praises. She had 2 sisters and they were their only little social network and absolutely hilarious together. I know she was sad later in life as someone has already said that her world became smaller as her own generation slowly died off but it never changed her basic nature. The fact my children got to know her before she was gone is something I'm very grateful for.

I agree with a lot of PP, working in healthcare I see a lot of older people and the ones who choose to stay engaged with the world are the ones who outwardly at least seem happiest. Sometimes ill health sadly takes that choice away. I find older men who have lost their wives can become very despondent while widowed women tend to 'get on with it' (generalising).

Magnifying pre existing traits is the best summary I think. Some people can be negative mood hoovers even when they're at their young and healthy best.....then the aches and pains, illnesses and bereavements that come with aging just bring that aspect of them forefront.

I also agree that they'll be an innate cheerful nature, or the opposite, to most people.

As PP have said, age, trauma and ill health certainly make these traits more defined to some degree regardless of who you are. Being in chronic pain or suffering from ongoing problems with menopause or something like cancer is bound to wear down even the most positive person

My DM is sometimes rather unsympathetic and not that empathetic towards my various ailments (head injury, post concussion syndrome, movement disorder) and now perimenopause, and i know it sounds like I am being a grumpy old woman, but i do occasionally wish she'd be a bit kinder. I know a positive attitude helps a lot, but it is often the way that those who have never had any serious problems with health find it harder sometimes to relate to those who do.

My DM is definitely someone who's always been a "pull yourself together" type, but generally I think she has been blessed with excellent genes, so she's never had terrible experiences of physical or mental health.

Awful to hear about her childhood but how inspiring, I want to live more like this especially right up to old age

He always says ‘I’m yesterdays man’

God! That's really sad!

OP - if I'd been living in a war zone for 4(?) years and hadn't seen my DD since preCovid, I'd be pretty narky.

@JaneySeemore yes, hes a lovely chap I always tell him that’s not the case - but he had a very senior job and I know he has felt a bit rudderless ever since retirement ( he didn’t retire till 71)

@JaneySeemore I would be heartbroken but take it out on her (I hope). I have offered to host them here, I have offered to pay and arrange a meeting in Poland, they both are mobile, DF drives, I would have paid for a taxi. I got no real answers to anything.

My DM has changed a lot since turning 65, in fact I’ve not heard her say anything nice about anyone since. My lovely youngest cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and wanted to share her story on Facebook as it made her feel less isolated and more supported, when I told my mum about her diagnosis her very first response was ‘how do you know?’ And when I said I saw it on Facebook she continued to berate her for sharing her news on a public platform accusing her of attention seeking, i was so angry that I kept my distance from her for a few weeks as I couldn’t trust myself not to have a go at her. There have been many other things, I am disliking her more and more the older she gets. I did ask myself if it was an ‘age thing’, but she seems to have all her marbles. She has never once told me that I’m a good mum but treats my dd like her absolute princess.

My DF is turning like this, even though only 70 he's started to be really bitter & angry about the most random things. He's on SM to much I think, and doom scrolling. it's a shame, and makes us want to spend less time with him.

I reckon age just brings out the true character of people. They are either lovely or objectionable.