AIBU to feel frustrated over being copied.

[LlamaBasket]

Feeling fed up. It’s not the biggest problem in the world, but it’s annoying. I’ve named changed for privacy and I’m going to change details to try to keep this as anonymous as possible.

I have a lifelong interest. Something that has really influenced me as a person. Let’s pretend that is motor cross. This interest influences how I dress, where I go, what I do at the weekend etc.

I have a sister (we are both in our thirties by the way) who has never showed any interest in my particular hobby. They’ve never even tried it. But, they seem to have suddenly decided they like my aesthetic and they have began to buy the same as me.

They are wandering around wearing the jacket or the shoes, very similar to mine, even talking the talk. It’s gotten quite strange, as though they’ve almost convinced themselves that this is ‘their thing’ as well. They talk as if they’ve been doing it for years - allowing people to believe this is ‘our hobby’. If I buy a special top, they buy it too. And when they look at me, dressed like my reflection, they are looking at me with this look that questions ‘is she buying this?’.

We work together for the same company and it’s getting embarrassing. I feel like I’m having my identity stolen, as dramatic as that sounds. I looked a bit different with my particular style, perhaps a tad eccentric and that was fine. Now we look like a pair of wally’s and I’m losing my own confidence.

I’ve asked her to stop. She seems to not feel like she’s doing anything, or she brushes it off, or changes the subject.

And the worst thing…if I started something new, she couldn’t cope and within weeks would copy that too. It’s a pattern.

AIBU? I’m not trying to gate keep a particular aesthetic, but I like being myself and in a way I almost feel mocked. Just to add, I don’t tell her what I have, I don’t show her what I’m going to buy. If she sees me in something on a Monday for example, by Friday she’s got herself something similar.

Yes, same. I try to tell her all the time what honestly makes her look gorgeous. Because I want her to feel confident and happy and unique. She’s a beautiful person and deserves to feel amazing, and it’s like she can’t find it herself. I do feel that his self-esteem has hit rock bottom for some reason and she doesn’t know who she is anymore. What she sees as protection in numbers, if she dresses like me, is stifling me and whilst annoying at first is causing me to feel real anger at the moment.

Oh Lord, definitely not, again no judgement though on people who love Disney.

Wicca?

This is very common in neuro divergent Pele and I noticed this in my AuDhd daughter when she was a child. To be clear all of my kids are nd /adhd/audhd and 3 of the 4 wear literally anything, their personality OSS not defined by clothing and it’s not seeing they could be bullied over as they just didn’t/ don’t care . Very individual styles and string sense of self. Not my oldest daughter had to have the same as everybody else when she was younger to “fit in”. Add she got older and hot her teen years where we tend to find our own sense of style, her style very much depended on the group she was on the periphery of ( but never fully part of). At the time autism and adhd in girls wasn’t really a thing and I called it camouflaging or magpies to get psychiatric team. It comes from very a deep sense of insecurity and a desperation to mimic somebody that presents as 100% comfortable and confident in their own skin. Think of Jack black. He’s not particularly attractive or handsome or stylish, but his absolute confidence, musical talent and arrogance means that millions of women across the world would love to spend time with him.

was she like this when you were growing up? Is she younger than you?

Thanks all. I’m going to leave the thread here as I don’t want it to become a guessing game - and by denying guessing, I’m playing along. But I’ve had some helpful advice.

I am going to dress more plainly, for a while at least. I’m also going to try talking to her again, but about what I think has triggered this. I think she possibly needs lots of love and support, I can’t just dump my sister. I will tell her how it’s making me feel, but I also think perhaps I need to be a bit more sensitive to her for a short time and look at things as having to build her up so she can find her own identity. Thanks again all.

OP, you can do absolutely nothing to control other people’s behaviour, only your own. If you’ve asked her to stop copying your clothes and she’s denied doing it, you’re back with what you can do yourself. If you feel like an idiot with your sister at the same workplace dressed the same, I would, as pps have suggested, evolve a new work uniform without the hobby clothes aesthetic, and only wear them outside of work. Or you continue to dress as you usually do and deal with feeling like a bit of a clown.

Anything you can buy that easily isn’t exactly niche. Not regular in this country but regular elsewhere I have a strong suspicion of what it is.

It doesn’t really matter what the individual items are it’s how you put them together. I like menswear… I like shirts, blazers and sometimes a tie. I have short hair and wear a certain type of glasses. None of it is unique in of itself but in my large workplace I was the only woman who dressed in that style. If another woman came along and started dressing like that after a period I would feel a bit miffed. ( and if that person was my sister 🤷‍♀️)

Absolutely, but you couldn’t do anything about it if someone else decided to dress like Annie Hall at work!

I understand how frustrating this is for you op. I’ve recently realised that a very good friend has decided to copy my style, down to the shade of nail varnish I wear and it has made me feel a bit spooked. We have the same build and the same name, these can’t be changed but she is wearing clothes and shoes that she feels uncomfortable in because they look good on me. We are in our 60s!

Give us some ideas of what it could be

Some 50s/60s style of clothes and you bake bread alot?

Good for you for curating a style that makes you feel good - but it’s hardly unique and bit odd that you are possessive about it and think you ‘own it’?

I agree that dressing more neutrally for a while may be a good idea but her dressing like you doesnt mean you cant be you. It doesnt actually take anything away from you. You dont need to place value on what you perceive as your uniqueness.

Op you haven't mentioned anything about your parents, (or aunts, uncles, cousins, other siblings....) yours/your sister's partners (if you have them) etc. Surely they, or any colleagues who know you both, would be better placed to make some gentle enquiries with to see if they've noticed anything different about her than randoms on MN who have never met her?

Mention you are having a hand tattoo designed. Give lots of detail.. Mention you have booked in for it one Friday.. Go to work with a dressing on the next Monday .
And stand back..

I understand your frustration and discomfort but it’s most likely that somewhere something isn’t right in your sister’s thinking. She can’t / won’t see it which is particularly frustrating.

would it work if you two go out on a shopping trip and you help her pick out clothes for herself? You could then subtly hep her make her own style, which has the advantage of being different from yours, but still “ sister approved”?

Are you a Furry?

@LlamaBasket out of interest why did she end up working at the same company as you?

I don't wear shell suits made me really laugh.

I remember a girl doing this to me in college (so a LONG time ago!), and it was frustrating even back then. People kept say 'oh it's flattering', and while I see the point, it doesn't feel it. It feels piss takey.

It's not flattering, it's oppressive and uncomfortable.