AIBU to say no to a trip I can’t get a visa for?

[PeppyBrickQuoter]

We are planning a few city breaks in different countries within the same holiday period, however DP has mentioned going to a country I’m unable to easily get a visa for so I wouldn’t be able to follow them and would have to come back home. AIBU to say no, that I want her to only consider countries we can both visit with the kids. If it were just her I wouldn’t mind but I would feel a lot of anxiety being away from the kids. LO would be 9 months and our eldest would be 2.

It seems bonkers taking such young children for a long holiday around Asia anyway. Not easy ! A toddler and a baby - probably two lots of nappies , two on a plane etc - no thanks !

Of course your partner shouldn’t take the kids somewhere you can’t go. It’s irresponsible.

Is she thinking about the children’s best interest, or only herself?

You both need to do a lot of research into travelling with kids as a same-sex couple. Your toddler will out you every moment (by calling you mum and mummy) so there’s no possibility of flying under the radar. You need to understand the legal and social context you are going into, and what would happen if there was an accident (eg one of the kids and the biological parent in hospital). Since becoming parents, we have stuck to countries with same-sex marriage (which now includes Thailand) or close to it.

Good luck!

The whole trip sounds ridiculous with two babies and travelling round Asia is hardly ‘a few city breaks’. With such young children your partner has her priorities all wrong.

The whole thing is bizarre even leaving out India. Most couples with tiny children don’t have funds to spend on extended backpacker jaunts. Are you raising the children together as a same sex couple or are these your children and she’s a girlfriend with fewer ties than you? Can you spare the money and time off work as a family?

And I’m assuming this is at least a month long trip as most countries in India need a couple of weeks minimum to justify the cost and time it takes to get there. No way you can leave a 9 month old for weeks at a time without severe distress.

This whole situation is strange. Your partner is adamant on going to the one country you’ll likely not get into and wants to take the small babies for a once in a lifetime trip - without you and something they’ll have no recollection of.
I think there’s something wrong with your relationship.

If I were her I’d jump at the chance to go with a friend! Who wants to take kids that young to India when there’s no family reason to do so??

Would your children even get a visa? If you can’t get one due to heritage, I would assume your biological children would be the same.

She sounds idiotic for so many reasons. Why on earth is she so insistent? It makes no sense at all. I get that she really wants to visit India but (a) if it was so important why did she not go when she was single/ before becoming a parent? And (b) it would surely be hell on earth to travel solo with two tiny kids. If she's adamant about going then she'll have a much better experience leaving the kids with you. If I was her, I'd be leaping at the chance!

It almost sounds like she's saying/insisting to piss you off. Could that be true? I'm projecting here but I once had a boyfriend who would dig his heels in and insist on one out of several options that I just couldn't do and would seem gleeful about it, like he had one over on me or something.

Luckily she can't take them to India without your permission as their parent. Are you the birth parent to both? I'm not sure how these things work but in countries where they don't recognise same sex marriage etc she may have difficulties in being recognised as their parent at all.

Practicality issues too - I know babies live in India but adults who aren't used to the heat and food etc get ill there lots, so very risky for little kids unless you can be so, so careful. How is that going to work with her going off with a "tour guide"? She'll spend the whole time changing loose nappies and soothing overtired screaming tots. Or leaving then with a strange babysitter while she goes off gallivanting.

I'd let her sulk all she wants. She can go but not with the kids.

Surely there is an easy solution here - apply for the visa (unless cost prohibitive) and set a date that if it’s not through, you and the kids cannot go. She then has two options 1) go alone or 2) meet her friends in a neighbouring country if she wants to show them the kids.

How about offering to do your best to get a visa provided she agrees not to take the kids to India if you can't get the visa in time?

@PeppyBrickQuoter This is a firm no

Could you show this thread to your DP?

A trip around Asia with DC those ages sounds like hell to me. A trip to the garden centre was as adventurous as I got.

It seems particularly hard on you OP to be prevented from getting to the baby in any emergency when you have the bond that goes with being the birth mother, even though the children are your partner's children as well. Or would DP say that is an unfair way of seeing the situation?

I agree with PP: the children will get no benefit at all from being carted off to another country at such early ages. Nor would you, and you also risk disease. Sounds as if your partner just wants to show them off like trophies. Why can’t she go alone, taking photos and videos of the children to show her friends?

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

This is applicable under English law, so I'm not sure it would hold much sway if your partner wanted to abduct the children from another country into India.

Ltb. Imagine if this was a man pressuring his partner with very young children to go on such a trip.

She wants to do a city break in India with two tiny children and not have you there? Is she mad? Even if you could go, is she still mad?

Just tell her absolutely not. By the sounds of things you are a same sex couple and at least one of the children is bioligically yours and tiny, so just point black refuse. She's being a complete idiot and very selfish and unreasonable.

Is this even real? I struggle to imagine that anyone would even consider this. Who flies all the way to India for a city break as well as doing several other city breaks in a short period with two tiny children, for a start?

Assume you are of Pakistani heritage, yes?

Sri Lanka would be a good compromise.

Lol!! all the people making comments about food poisoning and ‘Asia’ being dirty when Op is literally from Pakistan. 🙄

I think a firm no to your partner. I’m sad for you both as it sounds like an amazing trip, if you marry will the VISA situation improve to India?

Tbh the whole trip sounds like a ludicrous idea - dragging a 2 yr old and a baby around different cities, far far away. It sounds totally selfish and not something that benefits the children. Trust me they won’t want to do this. Kids like home comforts at that age and routine, not going on endless travels - especially when they could easily get ill. What are you both thinking? Oh yes - thinking only of yourselves.

You should both have done your extensive travelling before having kids, or wait until they are a better age to cope with it.

This really boils my blood - selfish adults.

I would not advise anyone of Pakistani heritage to go to India now, with babies.
Things may go awry as tensions are still high.

Going to India isn't a "once in a lifetime" opportunity?! Lots of people go regularly, same as Thailand or Sri Lanka. Your kids can go when they are older and your partner can go with a friend another time.

You can't get a visa if you've got Pakistani heritage anyway .

I was refused a visa for no reason.
Call me paranoid, but I think it's a scam to make one pay a huge amount to go to the Govt. appointed out-source company.

She’s being selfish, and very unreasonable. Of course she can’t take the (very young) kids to India without you FFS. If she is desperate to go to a country you can’t visit, she goes alone/with friends or her sister, and you go somewhere else as a family. Is she slightly deranged? Deliberately cruel? It’s such a no brainer, I dont understand her insistence.

It almost sounds like she's saying/insisting to piss you off. Could that be true? I'm projecting here but I once had a boyfriend who would dig his heels in and insist on one out of several options that I just couldn't do and would seem gleeful about it, like he had one over on me or something.

I agree. It sounds exactly like that.