How would you feel if your manager acted like this?

[littlesongs]

I’m mid 50’s and have a a real run of bad luck with health issues over the past 18 months. A bout of pneumonia, a few menopausal issues that needed bloods, scans etc, a slipped disc that I needed some physio for. I haven’t had much time off on the sick apart from the bout of pneumonia which I took a week and struggled on WFH the rest of the time. The other issues, apart from leave to go to medical appointments I’ve not been on the sick, I’ve just pushed on with a little WFH for a few days if needed when I’ve been very unwell.
I manage a team of 10 which is a tough gig, all manner of personalities and a very hard, fast paced role. I don’t stop from the minute I get in the morning until I finish, work through breaks etc.
Everything my manager asks me to do I do and do really well, my manager is hands off and doesn’t ask a lot but I do work managing projects for other areas of the business. My manager pretends to care but is hardly ever in office, I think as long as I keep the department going that’s all they care about - they rarely ask if everything is ok. I feel very unsupported.
With the health issues I’ve naturally kept them informed, it did feel for a while that I had a different issue every week but it was a run of bad luck health wise and I couldn’t help it.
Recently I found a lump, I’ve had various urgent tests and scans and I’ve tried to keep work absence to an absolute minimum. Apart from appointments I’ve not missed any time. I now need surgery and of course I’m informing my manager. I get the feeling they could care less. I’ve had answers along the line of ‘glad you are being seen’ and that’s about it. Not once have I been asked if I’m ok. They are reasonably sure (as they can be until the pathology) that the lump is benign but I’ve spent the past 6 weeks or so very worried.
I feel saddened that not once has my manager asked if I’m genuinely ok. They have seen me a number of times but never ask if I’m doing ok. I’ve told them I’ll need a few days after the surgery to let things settle and that I’ll WFH until my stitches are out. This has been accepted and I was answered ‘all fine’ but they haven’t said ‘just take your time’ or ‘stay off until you are out of pain’ like I would with my own team.
I Suspect they are sick of me and my poor health but I’ve tried not to let these things affect my work. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive? I’ve worked for this person for a long time, they seem to have completely disengaged over the past year or so.

I would be relieved that “all fine” with me taking the time off and presumably the time off for all the appointments etc

and relieved that I don’t need to elaborate any further

Maybe they can't deal with illness or have other things going on in their lives?

Maybe they compartmentalise and keep work professional and not get too involved?

Even if the manager did ask it would be more perfunctory. Do you get enough support from family and friends?

I don’t think anything they’ve said is out of order. Many people are very private with health things and appreciate people not asking and your manager may be anticipating you’d like that respect for your privacy.

My most recent managers have always assumed that if I'm working then I'm fine. Even when my dad died 6 months ago, the emphasis was on being at work rather than how I was coping etc. I'm not management level , I just assume now that managers take things at face value unless they need to refer you under any particular policy and don't 'care' unless they have to find someone else to do the work

It's hard but I think when you present for work, people just assume you are fine, even if you aren't. It's difficult but I supppse managers have to manage others and other things too, and I guess if they see you working, it's a box ticked. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt but remember this is work people relationships, I hope on the other hand you are getting support from family and friends.

I've been where you are, not nessesarrily illness but horrific child loss [twins] in the NICU and tbh once I presented back at work , no one batted an eye lid, it was if nothing had changed. But the difference was I had and have support where it matters at home, outside of work.

I would feel the same as you op, especially as you give so much. It feels horrible when you're seen as a problem rather than as a person.

Hard lesson I’ve learnt recently is that you are just a number. Treat them with the same dismissal they are treating you. Hope you’re well soon.

Not to everyone. I managed teams and genuinely love line management. It's a massive job in itself alongside managing the work of a time but it's really rewarding if you like it and care about it.

I'd certainly be ensuring you had time and space to discuss how you feel and what you need - not forcing you to talk more than you want to, but definitely confident that you could say what you needed to. Any decent manager who gives a shit would.

Covering the work while you're off or managing anything that results from your absence would be my job to worry about, not yours.

Nothing will be covered if I’m away. It’ll just be there on my return, hence the reason I take as little time off as possible.

My manager is not a people manager (in her contract she is but I mean it’s not her skill) she’s a task manager. I’m having an horrific year with my own health and both parents with cancer. I don’t think my manager has asked me how I am once. Like you, I manage a team of diverse personalities and I would never be so uncaring with them.

That said, I take lunches, breaks and finish on time. I do that because honestly, no one gives you a prize for being a mug who does more than they’re paid for.

I haven't seen anything in the OP to suggest they actually do see her as a problem though. They have agreed to every single one of her requests for time off and to work from home. They haven't asked her to do anything extra, they haven't complained or criticized at any point. They are not bothering on her time off or looking for updates. I think it's a real stretch to view that as considering her a problem.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I’ve had cancer three times, latest time just diagnosed today, and I wouldn’t expect manager to ask if I was genuinely OK. The company is great with time off for appointments and sick leave and recuperating etc. But my manager, who is lovely, wouldn’t ask intrusive personal questions like that. She would say not to worry about work and to take as much time off as I need.

Are you going beyond what you are being paid for?
If so, stop.
It is not appreciated.
Do a fair day and no more.
I hope your health picks up.

I have rarely worked for a manager who asked how I was if I was having problems. They asked if they needed to but unless I was personally close them, it was kept professional.

Depends on the culture at your work I think

I was just answering the op.

Thank you, I need to stop going over and above and take the time I need if I have a health issue. I truly don’t think it’s appreciated. I needed to be told I’m just a number

I totally understand how you feel, but I'm not surprised and I don't think it's totally fair to expect much from a manager at work.

They should certainly make more of an effort to enquire about your wellbeing and whether you need more accomodations or time off. You can't make them "care" though, not everyone has the emotional intelligence to really get involved in their direct reports private life.

It seems to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to keep things running and put the business first. I don't think this is justified, you should take the rest you need and you're entitled to time off for sickness.
I don't agree that you are "just a number", but it is "just a job", and your health is more important.

If you're struggling to talk about this with your manager, you might want to reach out to HR? It depends how big your company is, but they might be more understanding and able to guide you towards reasonable adjustments and how to balance your work and your health conditions.

you’re being needy here

your manager is not your personal friend, they are not going to ask how you are “really” doing under the facade, it’s not their business. They are not going to give you a personal check in, outside of what is mandatory from the company. If they are keeping a professional distance, that is standard as that’s all they need to do as per their job description!

Managers fuck up, when they get too personal or cross boundaries. This manager could at one point, be delivering bad news to you whether that’s minor or major, they can’t do their job properly if they treat you like a personal friend.

If you personally manage people like they are your friends and make it clear that you do care for them outside of a work context, then that’s your own prerogative - but that doesn’t make it the right way to lead a team.

I think you’re looking for work to be sympathetic, check in, reassure you that you are valuable and they are worried about losing you, or whatever but you need to stop doing that. You are a resource to them. They are not your personal friends, regardless of how long you’ve worked there or how much value you perceive you have.

Yabu. They've provided you with all the accomodations you've requested without question. They've never actually said anything that sounds critical. They sound like they've got decent professional boundaries in place, and are meeting their obligations as managers.

I really don't get what you want - them to take some kind of emotional burden?

I agree with this. My boss is supportive but has never asked how I’m coping etc. With my team, I’ll always ask but to be honest, most people share very little. I wouldn’t all of a sudden start doing less because of this, unless it was something I’d been thinking about anyway. The manager hasn’t done anything wrong.

Exactly.

From the manager’s perspective, if they ask if everything is ok and you say yes, they document that to protect themselves should they ever be asked how they managed you during this time ie to see if the support offered was appropriate

There is no reason for them to open Pandora’s box, by asking again how you are “really” doing and if everything truly is “fine”. It’s a liability realistically. They already have the answer they need, that they checked in and were not asked for any further support. Plus it could be twisted against them in a number of ways, including the employee saying they felt the manager was asking too much and pressuring them

Thanks, all very good feedback. Detach, that’s what I need to do. I have this compulsion to want to people please and it never pays off apart from me feeling like I’m trodden on and not cared about. It does me no favours

All this thread is showing is the appalling lack of leadership and management skills so many managers have. I’m sorry you have a poor line manager OP and I wish you well in getting back to health.

It may be that but also many managers don’t ask because they don’t want to get involved in a list of symptoms, and have to be suitably empathetic and sensitive.

You can be a valued employee but keeping a space in a professional relationship is important.

Also they don’t want to risk it being misunderstood as they are pissy about any time off.

Out of interest, do you think managers should be more ‘touchy feely’? Surely there is a balance? I wouldn’t be comfortable with my manager asking me how I am all the time because I would think they were making a point or just being intrusive