How would you feel if your manager acted like this?

[littlesongs]

I’m mid 50’s and have a a real run of bad luck with health issues over the past 18 months. A bout of pneumonia, a few menopausal issues that needed bloods, scans etc, a slipped disc that I needed some physio for. I haven’t had much time off on the sick apart from the bout of pneumonia which I took a week and struggled on WFH the rest of the time. The other issues, apart from leave to go to medical appointments I’ve not been on the sick, I’ve just pushed on with a little WFH for a few days if needed when I’ve been very unwell.
I manage a team of 10 which is a tough gig, all manner of personalities and a very hard, fast paced role. I don’t stop from the minute I get in the morning until I finish, work through breaks etc.
Everything my manager asks me to do I do and do really well, my manager is hands off and doesn’t ask a lot but I do work managing projects for other areas of the business. My manager pretends to care but is hardly ever in office, I think as long as I keep the department going that’s all they care about - they rarely ask if everything is ok. I feel very unsupported.
With the health issues I’ve naturally kept them informed, it did feel for a while that I had a different issue every week but it was a run of bad luck health wise and I couldn’t help it.
Recently I found a lump, I’ve had various urgent tests and scans and I’ve tried to keep work absence to an absolute minimum. Apart from appointments I’ve not missed any time. I now need surgery and of course I’m informing my manager. I get the feeling they could care less. I’ve had answers along the line of ‘glad you are being seen’ and that’s about it. Not once have I been asked if I’m ok. They are reasonably sure (as they can be until the pathology) that the lump is benign but I’ve spent the past 6 weeks or so very worried.
I feel saddened that not once has my manager asked if I’m genuinely ok. They have seen me a number of times but never ask if I’m doing ok. I’ve told them I’ll need a few days after the surgery to let things settle and that I’ll WFH until my stitches are out. This has been accepted and I was answered ‘all fine’ but they haven’t said ‘just take your time’ or ‘stay off until you are out of pain’ like I would with my own team.
I Suspect they are sick of me and my poor health but I’ve tried not to let these things affect my work. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive? I’ve worked for this person for a long time, they seem to have completely disengaged over the past year or so.

Why does it need to be ‘all the time’ or ‘intrusive’. If someone is a good manager they a) should already know what their colleague would prefer and act accordingly, and b) should have the skills to show genuine care and empathy for their colleague using employee centred strategies.

Not really. But that response tells me all I need to know about what sort of ‘manager’ you are/would be. Good luck with that,

How do they show ‘genuine’ care and empathy if they don’t have a close relationship? Do you mean ‘appear to show’ genuine care and empathy?

tbh ‘employee centred strategies’ sounds like 90s management speak.

You don’t need to be best friends to know, understand and recognise the people in your team. Employee-centred simply means treating people as individuals…not a one size fits all. You don’t have to be best buds to treat someone with genuine care and kindness.

I think the UK has a pretty shoddy attitude to worker wellbeing and there are a lot of clueless managers who sit wondering why they can't retain staff, without realising how much a kind word can make a difference and encourage workers to stick around. We as a society tend to normalise being treated like just a number, putting it down to a problem of resilience or unreasonable expectations. But at the end of the day, managers who listen and check in occasionally with a kind word during a tough time are going to retain staff better and help with workplace mental health. My manager is lovely but I've been on the other side with zero empathy managers.
Sometimes it's individuals and sometimes it's a problem with workplace culture.
It's always ok to hope and try for better and you can balance this with realistic expectations - I don't think you're asking much to see a little more interest from your employer and I hope you can find a way forward that works for you, whether you stay in the role or move on ❤️

But again with the ‘genuine’ - don’t you mean ‘appear to show genuine’? Because genuine implies they are expected to feel that - which isn’t a reasonable expectation

So true.

My relative has been with a new employer for about two years. In that time he has been given two bonuses, a birthday party and gift from the CEO, time off for family and health issues, repeated thanks and recognition of his contribution, frequent checking in, and a pay rise. He is 51 and this is the first time in his entire working life that he has felt valued, appreciated and cared for by his employer. He is happy to go above and beyond in his work now because it’s seen, appreciated and rewarded, not expected.

No it is an issue with resilience - and I say that as someone whose manager nearly broke them.

I expect to be treated professionally because of my contribution to the company. Someone faking empathy is obvious and pointless.

@DiamondJones winning the thread dealing facts 😂

l’ll also just leave this here. Also, these are basic to middling people management skills - this is not “touchy feely”..?

Whilst I didn’t get all that, I was offered a role within the company after 12 years that was my absolute dream job. I wanted to do it for years but have never had the chance. So I do feel appreciated.

Ironically my new manager insists on one 2 ones every couple of weeks for a ‘welfare check’ - it’s the only part of the job I don’t like!

No I don’t mean ‘appear to be’ ….I mean actually be genuine….sincere, authentic…. If you don’t care about your team/people why and how have you managed to get yourself into that position? It is absolutely reasonable to expect a manager to genuinely care about the wellbeing of their team.

It is if they spend half the day feigning care and making sure each employee feels like they are a very special person!

I have worked for people who like to think they are caring when actually they fool nobody. It’s nosiness.

Your manager isn’t practicing employee centred management then are they? If you don’t like 1-2-1’s so often ask for them to be less frequent and explain your preference. A good manager will respect that and be able to reach a compromise with you that addresses both the organisational and employee need. I do understand what you’re saying….so many managers out there are performative in their ‘care’. They’re not good managers/leaders though,

I think it's a shame you assume the empathy is always fake. Sure there's limits - not expecting them to be a therapist - but empathy can be built into any role.

Erm okay. How does that work? Respect the team members - fine. Some people are great at their job but aren’t particularly likeable.

I don’t believe it’s possible to genuinely like or care about all the staff - there’s always going to be people you like and don’t like!

Or are you saying that you would genuinely care about even the more arseholic members of your team? If so, fair play to you, you are a rarity 😬

Because I have AUDHD, she thinks she is being supportive as she has a ‘check in’ with every member of her team. She means well, genuinely I think , but it’s beyond awkward for me. The issue is I don’t actually work with her directly and she doesn’t understand what I actually do (I have one of those job titles/descriptions that nobody except me, my colleague and the managing director understand 🤣)

If you put yourself in a management position where you have power and influence over others and their lives, you must also care about their wellbeing. You do not have to like someone to care about their wellbeing. I don’t particularly like a couple of people in my team, as in I wouldn’t choose to socialise with them and I’m not friends with them, but I still want them to feel well, healthy and psychologically safe/ok both in and out of work. It is my job as a manager to find some common ground and foundation to build a working relationship so I can support them to do their job well. I consider a big part of that to be caring about them, and what is happening in their lives.

Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from now. Your manger doesn’t understand how to work with ND colleagues and is trying to apply a one size fits all approach and it isn’t coming across as a genuine intention to ‘check in’. Have a conversation with them and explain why the current method doesn’t work for you…..have an alternative suggestion to present. Can you do an email check in instead or something like that.

Okay that makes sense - apologies - I think my confusion is more about how you genuinely care and empathise with someone when you don’t like them but I appreciate that is probably my AuDHD showing.

In work or in life, I either like someone very much (in which case I have all the care and empathy in the world and would go to the ends of the earth - not many people are in that category though) or I don’t care about them at all so I appreciate that it may be my black and white thinking that’s confusing the issue!

Actually that’s a really good suggestion - thank you. I think it comes from a good place but I find myself trying to schedule meetings for the 121 slot 🤣

Apologies if I sounded like a twat 😬

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta No worries. I hope you’re able to work something out with your manager. It might just be that they are a little ignorant about working with ND colleagues so an honest, but respectful two way conversation can sometimes help. I’ve always found it works better if you have an alternative solution to suggest that works for both parties. ChatGPT is actually quite good at helping to work out what and how to say things for this sort of situation….as long as you use the right prompt. 🙂

For me "Glad you are being seen" would be much more consoling and thoughtful than asking if I was ok. Of course, people aren't ok when they need lumps investigated, they are incredibly worried. Perhaps he feels that asking someone if they are ok when they have every reason not to be shows no consideration and is irritating.

This sounds like things I've heard from quite a few friends/friends of friends recently. Sadly it seems to be common now for some people to be quite lazy/uncaring. I think there's been a real change in the last 15 years or so, in terms of caring. When I started at work, if anyone was off, they get messages/gifts regularly. Now some long-term employees get barely anything when they are seriously ill. I'm really sorry.