How would you feel if your manager acted like this?

[littlesongs]

I’m mid 50’s and have a a real run of bad luck with health issues over the past 18 months. A bout of pneumonia, a few menopausal issues that needed bloods, scans etc, a slipped disc that I needed some physio for. I haven’t had much time off on the sick apart from the bout of pneumonia which I took a week and struggled on WFH the rest of the time. The other issues, apart from leave to go to medical appointments I’ve not been on the sick, I’ve just pushed on with a little WFH for a few days if needed when I’ve been very unwell.
I manage a team of 10 which is a tough gig, all manner of personalities and a very hard, fast paced role. I don’t stop from the minute I get in the morning until I finish, work through breaks etc.
Everything my manager asks me to do I do and do really well, my manager is hands off and doesn’t ask a lot but I do work managing projects for other areas of the business. My manager pretends to care but is hardly ever in office, I think as long as I keep the department going that’s all they care about - they rarely ask if everything is ok. I feel very unsupported.
With the health issues I’ve naturally kept them informed, it did feel for a while that I had a different issue every week but it was a run of bad luck health wise and I couldn’t help it.
Recently I found a lump, I’ve had various urgent tests and scans and I’ve tried to keep work absence to an absolute minimum. Apart from appointments I’ve not missed any time. I now need surgery and of course I’m informing my manager. I get the feeling they could care less. I’ve had answers along the line of ‘glad you are being seen’ and that’s about it. Not once have I been asked if I’m ok. They are reasonably sure (as they can be until the pathology) that the lump is benign but I’ve spent the past 6 weeks or so very worried.
I feel saddened that not once has my manager asked if I’m genuinely ok. They have seen me a number of times but never ask if I’m doing ok. I’ve told them I’ll need a few days after the surgery to let things settle and that I’ll WFH until my stitches are out. This has been accepted and I was answered ‘all fine’ but they haven’t said ‘just take your time’ or ‘stay off until you are out of pain’ like I would with my own team.
I Suspect they are sick of me and my poor health but I’ve tried not to let these things affect my work. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive? I’ve worked for this person for a long time, they seem to have completely disengaged over the past year or so.

Your manager is your superior in the hierarchy, not your counsellor. She is there to ensure that the work of the organization continues, not to be your chatty mate. This may seem harsh bt it is what it is. You should develop the same attitude and work to your contract.

I was once a manager in a public service. If a staff member was off because of illness or bereavement my job first and foremost was to keep the service running. I tried to be sympatheric but detached, and concentrate on the administrative aspects of the situation.

"I’ve told them I’ll need a few days after the surgery to let things settle and that I’ll WFH until my stitches are out. This has been accepted and I was answered ‘all fine’ but they haven’t said ‘just take your time’ or ‘stay off until you are out of pain’ like I would with my own team."
@littlesongs I think you should say to your manager, "After surgery I will need to be off until I'm no longer in pain."
You're hoping your manager will take your nurturing approach and offer you more sick leave than you've asked for. But that's not how s/he works. You need to tell them what you need!

Do you feel unseen or lacking in appreciation?

You made all that effort to remain in work and these minimal responses is what you’ve go back in return - has this left you feeling hurt after the effort to attend work WFH when you were very unwell?

I think it is reasonable to except a level of human response and just asking how someone is can help to maintain wellbeing and work relationships.

Im sorry you’ve been treated this way.

As they say - we are all replaceable please prioritise your health and take the dam time off to put you first - no one else can do this or will tell you to. Then tap into support around you and do whatever is needed to make your like easier. You’ve been this lot and need some downtime.

Detach.

Leave clear hand over
Task A Actions: John needs to do X by Y
Task B Actions: project Alpha. boss you need to attend weekly sync and give guidance

If you need time take it.

I've had the same thing this year, but it was a mental health issue. I've taken no time off other than annual leave that I had to take as a minimum and the rest of the time I've just struggled on.

I had a realisation this week though. I was absolutely swamped with work and I reached out during our team meeting and asked if anyone had any spare capacity. They all know I've been struggling and they'd previously vaguely promised to "help" if necessary. But they pretty much all shrugged and said "sorry, too busy" and left me to it.

For context, last year one of them went through a mental health crisis and had to take time off. I took on a number of his tasks and tried my best to make sure he wouldn't come back to a load of unfinished work.

I have to admit I was hugely hurt at first that nobody would return the favour or give me a bit of support, but it's actually made me change my approach to work this week. I'm only going to do my own tasks now, and other people can worry about the rest of it. I'm going to be taking my breaks and leave, and my time for medical appointments, and whatever comes in while I'm away can simply wait. I'm not logging in to clear my emails while I'm not on work time - I'm not paid enough for that and nobody gives you a medal for it. In fact, they just start to take it for granted that you'll flog yourself into the ground and give you even more to do.

At the end of the day, while it's "nice" to have people at work you get on with, they're just colleagues, not friends. I thought mine were more in the friend category but if you're only prepared to help someone if it doesn't make more work for you, that's not friendship. I hope you have friends and family outside of work that can offer you the support you don't get from colleagues and managers.

I think you need to focus on the practical rather than the emotional. Yes, it would be lovely to feel your manager was genuinely interested in you as a person and appreciated you, though tbh, if you're a people pleaser that may not be the ideal for you, because ime, an emotional tie with a manager makes you more vulnerable to over working 'for them'.
Regardless, what really matters at work is that there is a fair exchange of labour for pay, that you are provided with the resources you need to do the job, that you are treated with courtesy and professionalism, and that your employer treats you in accordance with the law, your contract and their policies.
If any of these is not the case then you need to speak up. Beyond that, you need to readjust your expectations in line with your managers style.
If she's never there and is disengaged then it sounds like she has lost her own interest in her role for whatever reason. But as long as she's meeting her responsibility to you and delivering for her boss, there's nothing that can be done about that.
If feeling you matter beyond a number is important, it might be helpful to remember you have relationships down, not just up. If you're a good manager yourself it's likely your team appreciate you on a personal level, and there's satisfaction in that.

I think you've got a martyr complex and want emotional recompense for your over and above martyrdom

Your Manager won't give you that, neither should she

Step back and stop doing the whole martyr extra work shit

I learnt the hard way that no matter how much you poor yourself into a job, even if you’ve served them for years snd years snd years and years, you are usually only seen as an entity that brings value to them and their business, not as a person with your own needs.

I genuinely think when a person is at their lowest (for whatever reason), it is how their management treats them that makes it clear whether they are seen as just a member of staff, or whether they are valued as a person.

It can be very eye opening.

When I have a team member who is struggling because of outside factors I focus on what I can do in practical terms to make the work part less burdensome. Accommodating appointments and, where possible, not requiring the time to be made up, being clear and sincere about telling them to take the time they need, making sure they know what support we offer as a company that could help (which is loads), adjusting workloads/tasks where I can. sometimes it’s just about them feeling heard.

I find many of my team are more inclined to ask me for things they need than ask their own managers (who I manage), which to me means their managers are not quite getting it right. If you manage people you have a responsibility to do something to look after their wellbeing - that looks different for different leaders as we don’t all work the same way, but it’s a non negotiable for me.

If someone wants to talk I don’t cut them off but at the end of the day I’m not a therapist and I don’t let myself be drawn into that role. My assistance is basically on practical terms.

No one can be responsible for your health but you.Most managers will care to a certain extent but will leave the judgement to you.

You need to take the time to recover that you need. As a manager yourself arrange a clear handover and delegation before you go. Make sure expectations are known and pose it as an opportunity for people covering you.

The above post should be your focus and concern.

not…. I feel saddened that not once has my manager asked if I’m genuinely ok. They have seen me a number of times but never ask if I’m doing ok