How can I stop DH cooking such absolute shite?

[Allygat]

DH grew up as an obese child. Luckily for him, he grew very tall as a teenager, works a very physical job and plays semi-pro sports so probably exercises 50 hours a week, and is now just overweight (and very muscular so looks in good shape). He has issues around confidence and feeling fat.

We have SD10, SS7, BS2 and I’m pregnant. We both work and all the children have different school, nursery and club routines so DH cooks around half the time.

When I cook, I ensure it’s a balanced meal with vegetables. I do the food shop so there’s always healthy food available (I don’t buy junk). When he cooks, he’ll often make something almost inedibly salty with no vegetables or fibre and minimal protein, finished off with sweets from the corner shop, or a takeaway. He “wants to treat SC” because they’re not here all the time.

It is exasperating. SD weighs what I weighed at 16, the other two are also overweight or close to it, and I am worried for their future health. And I don’t want him having a heart attack at 45.

Short of prepping all meals in advance (which I don’t really have time to do), what can I do?

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Could you try hello fresh boxes ?

Have you sat and had this conversation with him?

Does he like and eat when you cook?

That he wants to treat them, he didn’t know what to make, or he doesn’t know how to cook.

I think, after years of smoking and eating processed food, he does find anything which isn’t coated in salt to be bland and flavourless.

Yes he is always complimentary. The children also prefer when I cook, they’re not fussy about vegetables or unusual foods.

I can't picture a meal with no veggies, fibre or protein.

Chip butties?

Could you make a meal plan and teach him some of the recipes? I used AI recently to make me a meal plan. I put in what everyone does and doesn't like, dietary needs, what we had on in the evenings, and it came up with 3 weeks worth of meals, the shopping lists to go with them, and it gave me the recipes for the ones I didn't know. You can put in about getting your 5-7 a day and ask about macros. You could specifically ask about easy meals on days he will cook. I've also been calorie counting and it's been really useful for uploading a photo to get an estimate etc.

He wants to feed his kids but is just a bit misguided. Maybe suggest he batch cooks on a weekend you don't have the kids, you can then chuck in the veg. A vegetable lasagne or veg curry for example. Then all he needs to do is just to warm it through. He could even batch a dessert also like an apple crumble or some cookie dough for example. He is still treating his kids but is thinking a bit more ahead with healthier options.

Well obviously theres a lot missing here such as - whats his view about his own and his childrens diet and his choices for the evening meal?

What the children's mum's view about her childrens weight, is it the same at her house in terms of what they eat, is she concderned about their weight? Presumably most of what they eat is at hers, not cooked by him

Is he in a relationship with his parents now, whats his view about his childhood experience?

What is he cooking them exactly, is it just really really utter utter junk with no nutritonal benefit, or is just not quite as good as yours and not to your taste

What is the main reason for the kids being overweight, is it portion size or the quality of the food they eat?

If he enjoys the healthier food that you cook, can’t you just spend some time together in the kitchen to teach him how to make meals that won’t wreck his children’s health. One tasty meal a week for a few months will give him plenty of options and confidence that he can cook meals for his children that are as enjoyable as the crap he thinks are treats

Fascinated to know what meals he makes. Would imagine should be making spag bol and chilli con carne, typical "dad" dishes like that, which can be quite salty, sure (I love salt!) but still have plenty of protein and veg?

The other, main, thing I would say he needs to get his head round is that when he sees his kids its not to 'treat' them, its to parent them, plain and simple, with all the good and bad that brings, basic routines, care, discipline, fun

To feel that he has to 'treat' his kids when they stay seems to imply he doesnt recgonise that he is the full parent, not their friend or a special time as such

Could he try doing “fake aways” to start with? Make homemade chips, burgers, chicken etc, make sure there’s a side of veggie like peas or corn, or even baked beans?

What sort of thing does he make? Can you give some examples?

I know you shouldn’t have to, but could you show him how to make some basic things like a spaghetti bolognese? Then he can add salt on his own plate if he must.

• Pasta with butter, salt and cheese
• Oven pizza and oven chips (with added salt)
• Instant mash potato (with added salt and butter) and cheap sausages

None of these would be awful if he cut back on the added salt, did some vegetables on the side and used what we have at home instead of going to the corner shop.

I think it’s part laziness as well as thinking it’s a “treat” meal.

This is really good advice too.

It might help him realise he’s probably not actually wanting to treat them but wanting to treat himself. Or does he associate bad food with love?

He 100% associates bad food with love. It was how he was raised.

At least change to low salt, tastes the same but a lot less actual salt. Batch cook when you could so he just reheats?

I don’t know what their mum’s view is. DH has said she’s a bad cook who only serves processed stuff (like him then!).

SD is overweight, in my opinion, because she’s largely sedentary and eats too many sweets and treats. She is already self conscious about her weight, and is yet to enter puberty. SS is sporty so I’m less concerned about him because I imagine he’ll end up with the same physique as DH.

I found them eating spaghetti bolognese which I’d batch cooked yesterday, and was pleased, until I tasted it and he’d added so much salt it was near inedible.

Our answer to this problem was ordering Gousto.

How is that 'treating' them?! I mean if it were takeaways or indulgent calorific stuff, sure. But a pile of pasta with butter and cheese?

This. Tasty and removes the thought process and planning etc.

I’m another who doesn’t quite get the ‘treat’ part of pasta and butter with some cheese whacked on top and instant mash and sausages? I don’t think it’s about treating them, I think it’s about him being bloody lazy! His excuse of ‘oh I don’t know what to cook, I don’t know how to cook’ falls so flat. Does he think other people are just born knowing how to cook and how to make good nutritional choices for our children? We, of course, are not but we learn and we do our best by our children.
It rather sounds like your husbands mum and my husbands mum went to the same culinary school of delights; crispy pancakes and chips from the freezer, no veg as she ‘doesn’t like vegetables’ except peas etc etc. As such DH was a little on the hopeless side when we met but he’s done his best for me and the kids and now he’s pretty good (not amazing, but miles better!)
He just needs to take on board what you’re saying and do better by his kids. He must be able to see they’re getting to be overweight?