How can I stop DH cooking such absolute shite?

[Allygat]

DH grew up as an obese child. Luckily for him, he grew very tall as a teenager, works a very physical job and plays semi-pro sports so probably exercises 50 hours a week, and is now just overweight (and very muscular so looks in good shape). He has issues around confidence and feeling fat.

We have SD10, SS7, BS2 and I’m pregnant. We both work and all the children have different school, nursery and club routines so DH cooks around half the time.

When I cook, I ensure it’s a balanced meal with vegetables. I do the food shop so there’s always healthy food available (I don’t buy junk). When he cooks, he’ll often make something almost inedibly salty with no vegetables or fibre and minimal protein, finished off with sweets from the corner shop, or a takeaway. He “wants to treat SC” because they’re not here all the time.

It is exasperating. SD weighs what I weighed at 16, the other two are also overweight or close to it, and I am worried for their future health. And I don’t want him having a heart attack at 45.

Short of prepping all meals in advance (which I don’t really have time to do), what can I do?

Its very comfort food

Its not difficult to understand if this was what he had, he probably sees 'good food' as part of dreary parenting, the bog standard, the 'norm', the 'right thing'.

So although somewhat basic in my view to some degree although one of the best pasta dishes in the world is pasta butter and cheese in Italy, he sees that as 'nice' for his kids

Sounds as if he simply needs to cut back on the salt, lots of parents serve up mash and bangers, pasta and cheese etc

Also cutting out the sweets and UPFs

So focusing on what he is cooking (notwithstanding the salt), may be the wrong tack

He’s going to have to wean himself off the salt isn’t he. It’s no good batch cooking or getting a Gousto box delivery if he’s going to add excessive salt to everything.

So salty as to be near inedible and this what the children were eating? I think you need to start spelling out exactly what he’s doing and the consequences of it without sugar (salt) coating. Look up the recommended salt intake for children and the consequences of giving them too much salt. Salt kills. There is no healthy form of love that kills or is harmful to the other person and I think you really need to drive that home.

I’d have a discussion with him. If he has insecurities about his body then he’s probably aware that the things he’s cooking aren’t great to be having regularly and are going to affect everyone’s health in the long term. It sounds like your DH and children like healthy food when you cook it, so that is half the battle anyway.

Things that might make it easier without you doing all the cooking:

• Doing a meal plan in advance so he knows he has all the ingredients and a recipe for the things he is going to cook. (This doesn’t need to be too much work, we have a 4 weekly one so after the initial effort we don’t have to think about it). Things like tray bakes with roasted veg and meat/fish/veggie option are great if he’s not a confident cook (try the ‘roasting tin’ series of cookbooks).
• Meal kits like Hello Fresh. These are slightly more expensive but mean that he doesn’t need to think about what he is going to cook or buying ingredients, and help if he isn’t confident cooking or is worried cooking will take a long time.
• I totally understand him wanting to have treats occasionally or treat the children. Maybe agree one night a week when you do this. (It’s totally fine to do it occasionally, it just sounds like it’s a problem because he wants to do it multiple times a week).

The adding salt to batch cooked/pre-made food does sound odd though, especially because he adds it to the entire pot of food and not just his own portion. What does he say when you discuss it with him?
Even if he likes his own food salty there’s no need to add it to the kids’ food.

I would also work on getting him to add some fruit, veg or protein to the food he is currently making. So if he’s making pasta with cheese then he could serve some cucumber and tomatoes on the side, or serve peas and sweetcorn with the sausages and mash.
You could get him to batch cook some roasted chicken thighs/salmon etc to serve on the side of some of his less nutritious meals (especially for the children even if he doesn’t eat it himself).
Or serve Greek yoghurt and fruit and nuts for pudding so they at least get some protein, vitamins and fibre.

You need to meal plan together and get shopping delivered at least weekly.

I dont think its about the meals per se. Its about the salt addition (which wont be solved by meal planning or cooking kits) and the sweets/UPF snacks given to the children

So I would focus on that first

Chuck out the salt in the house, is that possible? Just dont have it in the house and he cant add it

Chuck out the snacks.

• Pasta with butter, salt and cheese
• Oven pizza and oven chips (with added salt)
• Instant mash potato (with added salt and butter) and cheap sausages

This is barely even cooking.

If he has issues around being fat, why is giving his DC such crap?

Would some sort of therapy help him, do you think?

Pps are making lots of really good practical suggestions, but it seems to me if the link between bad food and love is deep rooted, then he’ll need some therapy, OTT as that sounds at first blush to need therapy before he can cook well!

How does anyone think instant mash is a treat? 🤢. It’s not as if real mash is that difficult to make in the first place. I think the aim with him will be to make small changes to the foods he already leans towards. Pizza doesn’t need chips on the side you could add a salad. Sausage and real mash with broccoli. Now I don’t think it’s beyond the realms of possibility that he goes and researches how to make those. Realistically will he do it? Perhaps you need a folder with acceptable family recipes and a 2 or 3 week revolving meal plan so he knows Tuesday of week one is cottage pie or whatever. List what it needs to be served with it. I’d also insist on water will meals because I’m sensing he’s a fizzy pop man.

The way he feeds them is not rational, it's emotional. In his mind he is showing them he loves them. You won't get through to him with rational arguments about how unhealthy this is, presumably he knows that already.

In all honesty he could probably do with a bit of therapy, but realistically have you tried taking an emotional stance? I'm not sure what but maybe something about how a healthy diet is a real sign of love, what a buzz you get from the kids showing their appreciation for your food, how sad it makes you to see him doing this, whatever you can think of (not great examples).

I'd be keeping a beady eye on his blood pressure too and cholesterol as soon as he's old enough for the GP wellness check (40 or 45, can't remember). That might wake him up.

Iwould be telling him to cook without salt and to add it after to his own plate

I mean why would you even ask a qeustion like that knowing the relationship that many people, men and women, have with being overweight but continuing to eat crap and too much of it.

People are fat, hate being fat but continue to eat rubbish, feel bad about it and round it goes

Its no different for those fat parents of fat children that hate being fat and dont want their kids fat but continue with the same food.

I do the online food shop and write the weeks food plan on the wall -board in the kitchen. If I’m not there my husband can see what he’s supposed to cook.
I mostly stick to healthy nutritious stuff that is simple to make.
if your husband can’t cook and isn’t willing to learn this obviously is not ideal. you could consider putting a nutritious dinner in the slow cooker in the morning, which would be ready to eat in the evening. But then are you enabling his incompetence or just ensuring the children are properly nourished ?
can you batch cook together at the weekends so he has homemade freezer dinners to warm up ? He can learn on the job!

I'd chuck out the salt and not buy any more.
Any he buys chuck out.
Limit stock cubes too or anything else that is pretty much salt with a different name.
Then something needs to happen to get through to him but I don't know what, as pp have said, it won't be a rational argument/discussion.

Suggest he starts giving the kids veggie sticks 30 mins before the beige fried meal, and a fruit plate afterwards. It involves no more skill than peeling and cutting and is a start.

yes, just throw out the salt!

Also your step kids are old enough to cook with some supervision. If you start engaging them in cooking with you that will help them in the long run

On one day recently both SS and DS vomited in the night and I strongly believe it was because of their salt intake that day.

Do they get lot of mouth ulcers, are they thirsty a lot?

I dont suppose you know what their urine output is like?

Do they have swelling or bloating on their legs?

That's extremely unlikely.

Perfectly likely if it’s early stage salt poisoning.

Hide the salt. Seriously. Put it all away and refuse to let him use it.

Can he just add salt to his portion after everything is served up?

Can he look at healthy versions of ‘junk’ food? Can you both batch cook at weekend?

The salt does seem like an even more urgent issue than the type of food. What's his blood pressure like? He is on the road to a stroke or kidney failure and setting his kids up for the same.