How can I stop DH cooking such absolute shite?

[Allygat]

DH grew up as an obese child. Luckily for him, he grew very tall as a teenager, works a very physical job and plays semi-pro sports so probably exercises 50 hours a week, and is now just overweight (and very muscular so looks in good shape). He has issues around confidence and feeling fat.

We have SD10, SS7, BS2 and I’m pregnant. We both work and all the children have different school, nursery and club routines so DH cooks around half the time.

When I cook, I ensure it’s a balanced meal with vegetables. I do the food shop so there’s always healthy food available (I don’t buy junk). When he cooks, he’ll often make something almost inedibly salty with no vegetables or fibre and minimal protein, finished off with sweets from the corner shop, or a takeaway. He “wants to treat SC” because they’re not here all the time.

It is exasperating. SD weighs what I weighed at 16, the other two are also overweight or close to it, and I am worried for their future health. And I don’t want him having a heart attack at 45.

Short of prepping all meals in advance (which I don’t really have time to do), what can I do?

Sounds uneducated. And he may be ok now but if he doesn’t change he will get very unwell (and fat) when his metabolism slows and he gives up the activity. Difficult though as you cant be the food police when he and mum are happy to feed them processed shit.
What does he think? Does he even know what good nutrition looks like?

SC often get mouth ulcers and are thirsty a lot. DS gets a better diet, I think, because he’s mostly fed by me, and DH knows better than to allow him sweets. I’ve got no idea what their urine output is and no leg swelling to my knowledge

You’re preaching to the converted…

A folder of meals might be an idea, along with meal planning and prepping. It’s just really frustrating because I’m so busy and he’s not stupid, and should know better

Would he be open to reading factual information about the salt intake?

Has he had a discussion, difficult as it is, what he thinks life is like for his children as overweight/obese kids? Does he want this for them (obviously not) and what does he think he can do to avoid this?

Problem is, you seem to be carrying the burden of the health of his children, thats the job of their parents but also their choice. Just like parents up and down the country overfeed their kids and you see it on thread after thread on here that 'dont restrict their intake', people think its ok and they have the right to make poor choices even on behalf of their kids in this respect. Very little action by anyone would be taken at this level (Ie its not that the children are 30 stone each and would get removed via the courts)

The salt is more concerning for me, than the overeating or the instant mash or pasta and cheese. The children need to be prevented from eating sweets and UPF snacks though over the longer term.

https://www.actiononsalt.org.uk/salthealth/children/

People who eat badly are not stupid, theres comments like this already in this thread which is wholly inaccurate

Fat people dont need 'education', they need to be supported or find ways to support themselves to make better choices. But as you have identified right at the start, this is about his childhood so its nothing to do with having a folder of food as such.

Given you said love = treats, I would try and go a bit deeper with him and talk about how when you love your kids you want what’s best for them…. And some of that means healthy meals so they grow up fit and well and hopefully living long lives.
I guess ultimately all of us would like to eat snacks and treats but we don’t because it’s about the long term effects.
His new love language needs to be a home cooked meal which will nourish the kids.

I would tell him to stop poisoning his kids with salt and to step up as a parent. To do his own research about healthy meals for kids and do better. https://www.actiononsalt.org.uk/salthealth/children/

A lot of the salt could be replaced by herbs, so he gets the taste satisfaction. For his long term health, he needs to be looking at this.

@Allygat your DH should get his cholesterol tested. That might actually shock him into giving up added salt.

My DF used to saturate his dinner with salt every night and smoked at least 20 a day and enjoyed a drink in the evenings. He wasn’t at all fat. Worked outside, physically active for 12 hours a day. He died from a heart attack at 45.

@Allygat I agree with PP, your DH is poisoning his DC by giving them too much salt. There are recommended daily amounts to give children, he needs to look them up. Anything above the recommended amounts is dangerous. He may think he’s treating them but unfortunately saturating their dinner with salt is treating them badly.

Wait - never mind the junk food thing for a minute. You’ve gone on to say he adds so much salt to dishes for the children that they have symptoms of poisoning. Look up salt poisoning. This is terrible and has to stop - children can be fatally poisoned with salt.

@Monvelo what a great idea for using AI!

Can you all sit down together and write a list of healthy dinners everyone will eat, and then whoever does the shopping gets all the ingredients for enough meals for the week so that he's not getting takeaway or things at corner shop?

Could he cook a Hello Fresh / Gousto meal?

I will suggest this actually. I am afraid he’ll die early.

I think it's revealing that you say the children prefer your food. Probably the salt level doesn't taste good to them either.

I will say, he reminds me of my ex in some ways. She does actually know how to cook healthy food and often does, but her instinctive 'treat' foods are things like smash, or pasta with butter and (cheap, oily, pre-grated) cheddar), and things like that. It's growing up being told these things are treats - it's really powerful. The first Christmas after we separated, I had DD from 3pm on Christmas day and I collected a very confused little girl who'd been fed smash and tinned meat for Christmas dinner.

IME it is a difficult conversation to have, because food is so emotional. And he might feel defensive, because if this kind of food says 'love' to him, then it'll feel as if his family are saying 'but we don't love it'. And in a way, all the conversations about healthy food, and how worrying his salt intake is, will only take you so far. Only saying this because I think it is really easy to get infuriated and emphasise the 'this is shite nutritionally' angle rather than 'you obviously keep making this stuff because you want the children to feel loved the way you would feel'.