AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

[Stripedpyjamass]

MIL has bad anxiety, mainly manifesting as health anxiety. It seems to be reaching a crisis point. In the last 7 days she has called an ambulance 3 times, taken herself to A&E twice and called us countless times with a health issue. She calls at all hours including the middle of the night. DH has family overseas and if she can’t get hold of him she calls them, who then call us. DH spent 3 hours at her house one evening calming her down then as soon as he left she called an ambulance.

She has therapy, we’ve tried to help so many times offering solutions, she takes medication for anxiety.

DH and I have a newborn baby and a toddler. Through sheer unfortunate luck, when I had DC2 I sustained a significant birth injury which impacts my life on a daily basis with pain and mobility. I am waiting for more major surgery and I have a catheter in which is uncomfortable and limits lifting.

DH understandably is focused on helping his mum which is fine but we are literally now at breaking point. He is suggesting now that he stays her temporarily so she’s not alone? But I physically cannot manage two children alone with my health problem. He’s taking unpaid leave from work to help her, but I’m also on maternity leave so we can’t afford this. MIL is sat pots of money! I don’t want him to take the children away from me to stay with her which is his other suggestion.

I am at a complete loss of what to do. AIBU to think we can’t keep stretching ourselves like this? And that DH needs to step back? Or is there anywhere else that we can get help for me or her?

You poor thing. C-section recovery is ghastly enough on it's own (I'm 7 weeks post op myself) without extra health problems, probable birth trauma, and having to so it all on your own. Tell your HV. If you are with the perinatal health team they will be well positioned to help & advise you about all of this.

As for your mil, you are physically unwell and she is not. You need physical support and she does not. If your dh can't see that then he is the problem. Maybe she could pay for a private nurse so she feels she's being looked after?

I’m going to ask him to see her gp with her to make sure she’s being honest about how bad she is.

No one is going to take your children just because you ask for help… ask for and take all the help you can get! Being a mum of a newborn and a toddler is hard and that’s before adding in your own medical issues and an attention seeking MIL. Sending you big hugs

If you explain to in laws that you are going to be in hospital and can't cope with MIL, will they help? I'd at least make it very clear you're not going to be doing anything and DH will have the kids, so not to phone.

Maybe her medication needs reviewing or altering as it doesn't sound to be working. Your DH could go with her to that appointment.

But otherwise yes, of course he should prioritise his wife who is actually ill, in pain, injured and in need of surgery and his two children over his physically healthy mum. He can't even do anything for her, whereas you literally need help day to day.

I agree with PP, bit odd she's got so much worse just as you have become truly in need of support.

I wonder if your MIL's health anxiety has spiralled BECAUSE of your babies and health issues? She wants her son's full attention and - maybe subconsciously - is doing this to get it.

I have health anxiety myself - runs in the family - but calling ambulances which aren't needed is a shocking waste of public resources. She may be ill but she's also being extremely selfish. Your husband needs to firmly insist she gets professional help - for me, sertraline has helped hugely with the anxiety - and step away. You and the children have to be his focus right now.

I don’t think it’s a lack of professional empathy at all. I think @BerryTwister has outlined how much the services tried to help but nothing was enough.

Having a mental health or anxiety condition does not mean that services have endless time and patience - GP appointments are precious and they can’t be monopolised by people who don’t need them.

I do think that we need to do more with our mental health services though , they are not funded nearly enough

I think your DH needs to contact his overseas siblings and say that for now he can not be involved in the care of his mother as you are unwell and he needs to focus on you and that the current situation is no longer tenable and they will need to sort it out as he is currently unable to.

I’ve been the sibling living near my parent with sibling overseas, it is crap. I contacted adult social services and got them involved and said I had to step back from caring as it was adversely affecting my health and my family as it really was by that point. My GP said to me my children wouldn’t thank me if I didn’t step back and I listened - I am so glad I did but it was hard to do at the time. I think your DH is at the point where he needs to do this.

Definitely let your health visitor know what is happening.

Yes please speak to your health visitor. No one is going to take the children. The HV might be able to speak to your husband or arrange more help for you.

Your DH is not helping his mum at rhe moment. I think he should go with her to GP and talk to them. I also think you can speak to GP about a patient.

Do NOT let him take the children anywhere near her and that situation. Absolutely wild he thinks removing them from their mother is a solution at all.
YOU are his immediate family. God poor you.

He'd sooner go stay with his mother who has imaginary ailments so he can say soothing things than help look after his children and his genuinely injured wife.

That's because he's a lazy selfish prick. Given the option I'd sooner get a full night's sleep at an elderly persons house too I'm sure, sign me up for his choices.

OP you need to read the riot act to both DH and MIL.
They must both stop.
She seems a total attention seeking hypochondriac.
Tell her she is diverting not only over stretched ambulance services from real emergences but taking the help YOU need from your own husband.
She needs to be told to go into CARE if she is so ill or stop moaning!
Does she not know the story of the boy who cried ''wolf'' too many times - that's her in spades!
And tell DH YOU will need FULL time care yourself soon and HE may have to pay for it if he carries on like this!! OR you may move into a hotel!

@Stripedpyjamass that's so hard for you. My mil did this in her mid 90s. Once phoned 4 times to us in a morning as her husband didn't want to go out to lunch. It was actually part of a dementia development. She just got anxious, dependent on my husband for reasoned argument...he had the patience of a saint. She lived an hour away so he wouldn't go and stay as he was working.

As a GP we had several patients like this. Often it was early dementia and it was very difficult to manage. We had one lady who called 999 every night.
I would get your husband to write to your mum's GP. and see if any more help can be given.... Staying with her will just make her worse as she will become more dependent.
He needs to be with you.

To which your reply needs to be how would he feel if he had a substantial injury to his genitals and a catheter in with a spouse who thought it was ok to suggest leaving him either alone or in sole care of two tiny children.

Your MIL sounds to me like a classic narcissist who can’t bear the attention being on you/your newborn. There you are recovering not just from birth but also a serious medical injury, and dealing with newborn nights, and she’s making it all about her, demanding your DH prioritise her and her imaginary complaints.

I think you’re underreacting if anything. Your MIL is completely out of order, and so is your DH for prioritising her over you, especially when you’re so genuinely vulnerable. As the MN saying goes, ultimately you have a DH problem, not a MIL one.

He’s the one who’s choosing to go running to her time after time, even when it’s completely bloody obvious there’s nothing physically wrong with her, even though you legitimately need him so much yourself right now.

I’m actually furious at him on your behalf. He’s adding to your distress at an already extremely difficult time, when you’ve been seriously injured while giving birth to his child. She absolutely shouldn’t be his priority, you and your DC should, and it’s worrying that he can’t see that. But she clearly trained him well, as narc mothers often do.

You need to stop agreeing with him that any of this is ok. You need to understand that he is in the wrong here, that he shouldn’t be prioritising her, because you can’t argue your case with him if you don’t really believe it. You need to be getting angry with him, IMO, not being so understanding.

Try and take on board the fact that a massive majority - almost unanimous! - of those here say YANBU. And you know how harsh this place can be! You are in the right wanting him to support you and put you first. He needs to know just how unhappy you are with him for his failure to consider you properly at this time. Remember that when he’s trying to make out he’s the reasonable one and you’re not.

It won’t be an easy task if he’s been brought up by a narc mother who’s conditioned him to believe he has to put her first, and do whatever she wants, even at the expense of his own family. But it’s time for him to grow up and stand up to her. And the first step towards that is you standing up to him.

That. And also this

As for your mil, you are physically unwell and she is not. You need physical support and she does not. If your dh can't see that then he is the problem

@Velumental that’s a bit harsh. MIL has mental health issues. I bet it wouldn’t be a barrel of laughs staying with her

He needs advice from professionals to ensure he is giving her the right support and to put medical support in place for her too. If she had cancer she would be getting medical support but he would also be supporting her. But he needs to ensure the support he is giving is not feeding her anxiety, and that he can support OP and DC too. As MIL has money hopefully some support can be bought, like carers

Yes and no. I'm not even trying to throw shade on his mum, I have anxiety,.often health anxiety and it's bloody awful. My point is the practical j out hell have to make will be a lot less than what he'll be making t home and it's likely his mum sleeps through the night.

I haven’t seen anyone say she’s doing this for fun.

Most people are saying she needs mental health support that her family aren’t capable of providing.

mentally ill people do have an impact on those around them

If she keeps calling ambulances out for no reason they will eventually flag her as wasting their time, I would be brutally honest with her and tell her she needs help and that her calling ambulances constanly is taking that ambulance away from someone who desperately needs it more than her. It’s selfish behaviour.

He’s not lazy if anything he is stretching himself too thin. MIL doesn’t sleep from what I can work out, she’s awake all night panicking. That’s why he wants to stay with her.

If MIL is of state pension age, she should claim this. It is not means tested.
She can spend it on paying for carers, a falls alarm system, other aids to make her life better.

Can MIL come to stay with you for while ?

Your DH priority should be to you & your children first

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

So what would he be doing if he was at home with you and the children?

Wow, so your DH is basically prioritising his perfectly physically healthy mother over his wife, who is injured, in pain restricted in her day to abilities and waiting for a major operation, all while trying to look after a new baby and a toddler. I can't believe he's talking about moving in with her and leaving you to it.

I don't know why he is pandering to this woman, who sounds seriously manipulative. Yes of course I understand that anxiety is a MH condition - I have suffered from it myself, but when I did so I tried to get help and it did not cause disruption and chaos to other people's lives. I think this woman is an attention seeking, needy, selfish cow, who is jealous of you. She will come to zero harm by being totally ignored and that's what your DH needs to start doing! Basically leave her to it. Switch off all phones overnight and limit daytime contact to calls of no more than 5 minutes. Let her call as many ambulances as she likes, she has full responsibility for herself. If the family abroad are in any way critical, then they can come and stay with her.

Pandering to this woman is, and will not in any way help her. Leave her to it to work through her own feelings. She has had a full health check and nothing is physically wrong, so she just needs to get a grip and start offering to help your family rather than the other way round. A bit if focus on someone other than herself would be good for her!

He would be helping physically especially with my toddler as I struggle to lift and bend at bathtimes etc. He would be concentrating on work which is pretty important so we have an income whilst I’m on maternity leave!