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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only child of two onlies

76 replies

AliceAbsolum · 25/03/2026 21:11

DD, 3 is an only and we won't have any more. Due to health issues not choice.

She'll have no aunts or uncles, no cousins. DHs and my parents are in their 70s and 80s. My cousin is 60 and her children are in there 20s.
We did nct and yes she sees 2 boys from that every month or something. I'll do everything in my power to encourage her friendships.... But I just feel like she will miss out on having a wider family and not feel placed in the world. It's not natural for humans is it to be so isolated.

Yes I know lots of families are not close, but she won't ever get the chance at it. Makes me feel sad.

AIBU to think this is another miserable part of modern life and something more and more people will face due to the rapidly declining birth rate?

OP posts:
Tickingcrocodile · 25/03/2026 21:16

I think you just try to build friendship groups instead. As you've said, even if you did have a wider family there's no guarantee they would be close. My DC wouldn't recognise their only cousin in the street, they've met so few times.

LilyLemonade · 25/03/2026 21:17

I think it is a little sad not to have a wider family... but honestly, worse things happen. She may marry into a large family; have her own children and grandchildren; or have many lasting friendships and close connections. You can only do so much to balance out this situation through activities and friendships; try not to dwell on it or let it bother you too much.

MissingSockDetective · 25/03/2026 21:18

I think it is highly unlikely to have much impact on her life at all.

MidnightPatrol · 25/03/2026 21:19

What about family friends?

That builds a family of sorts!

Farewelltothatid · 25/03/2026 21:23

My DS was an only child. His Dad - my DH had no family at all. My family lived hundreds of miles away and we were very low contact with them because of issues.

So while he was growing up we were just this small family unit. And yes I felt sad that was the case. And guilty as well. But we were very close and had a loving relationship.
Like you I did everything to encourage and enable friendships.

His Dad died when he was 18 so now our family is just the two of us. But my DS has a wide circle of friends and when we have talked about things he says not having relatives doesn't bother him because he has his friends.

I don't think of our situation as being a product of modern life. I think of it as just how it was and is personally. And that everybody's family situations are different.

Thecows · 25/03/2026 21:23

It is sad, we are a tiny family but honestly you can't do anything about it unfortunately, were close though even though so few of us

Drippingfeed · 25/03/2026 21:26

My mother's next door neighbour is one of seven. All we hear from him on that are about their constant family feuds.
This whole ' modern life is so terrible everything is going to the dogs' is so tiresome tbh. And as old as the hills .

Gowlett · 25/03/2026 21:28

My dad is as an only child & married into my mum’s big family. Both me & my sister have one each, so they are each other’s cousins.

My sister is married to BIL who has a big family who all get on & do lots of lovely together, including holidays. Her boy has lots of other cousins, aunties, uncle etc… And another set of granny & grandad, too.

DH on the other hand, doesn’t get on with his family. He has quite a big family, brothers & sisters, all of their kids, and spouses. His dad is dead, but there’s MIL. We don’t see her. DS is starting to ask about them…

DH also doesn’t get on with my family (yes, it’s him). There’s not much I can do about it, and it does make me sad for DS.

SecondBestChoice · 25/03/2026 21:32

At least the reduction in birth rates means she'll have plenty of other only children as friends - it was different for us growing up as onlies on the 80s and 90s, I genuinely didn't know a single other only child when I was at school, and as a child of an only I also didn't have a gang of cousins to get around with. Your DD is going to be one of lots of only children as she grows up, and they'll probably have tighter friendships because they're all similar in their family makeups

Calendulaaria · 25/03/2026 21:32

Due to both extended families having addiction and abuse problems, my children never knew their aunts, uncles, cousins etc and only a few times a year visits from grandparents. Both are well adjusted, happy and have good friends.

gingercat02 · 25/03/2026 21:33

We have an only, with 2 cousins who are 5 and 8 years older and live 300 miles away. He's now 17 and a fabulous young man. He's always had great friends and never yearned for a sibling.
Honestly make the.most of what you have. You will have more time and money to do things and children only know their normal.
Be happy as a family of three.

ChocHotolate · 25/03/2026 21:34

I am an only child of 2 only children, I found it very lonely looking back. Of course at the time I knew no different. I genuinely didn’t know what a “cousin” was in terms of family until I worked it out for myself.

I am now married and DH is not close with his family. This all formed part of my decision to have 2 kids rather than stopping at 1 as I want my children to have a wider family as they grow into adults themselves

Birch101 · 25/03/2026 21:34

Friends are the family we choose, we put in the effort, we show up and we form friendships that last a lifetime.... if we want to and are lucky enough too.

Try and let your child explore the world and find their passions and hopefully through that their people, I'm hoping we will be in a position to invite a friend along on holiday type thing when they are older.

I actually think the declining birth rate is one aspect but it is much more common to leave your home and attend uni or work and live in different ends of the country than it was a generation ago, so that has caused a different village dynamic so to speak

Gowlett · 25/03/2026 21:36

SecondBestChoice · 25/03/2026 21:32

At least the reduction in birth rates means she'll have plenty of other only children as friends - it was different for us growing up as onlies on the 80s and 90s, I genuinely didn't know a single other only child when I was at school, and as a child of an only I also didn't have a gang of cousins to get around with. Your DD is going to be one of lots of only children as she grows up, and they'll probably have tighter friendships because they're all similar in their family makeups

Edited

Good point. A lot of DS pals are only children.

Miyagi99 · 25/03/2026 21:37

MidnightPatrol · 25/03/2026 21:19

What about family friends?

That builds a family of sorts!

Yes! My friends were all aunties and uncles to mine.

Midnights68 · 25/03/2026 21:40

SecondBestChoice · 25/03/2026 21:32

At least the reduction in birth rates means she'll have plenty of other only children as friends - it was different for us growing up as onlies on the 80s and 90s, I genuinely didn't know a single other only child when I was at school, and as a child of an only I also didn't have a gang of cousins to get around with. Your DD is going to be one of lots of only children as she grows up, and they'll probably have tighter friendships because they're all similar in their family makeups

Edited

I agree with this - in the 80s and 90s I always felt like a bit of a freak for being an only. I was always the only one in my year. Now I can think of 4 in my son’s year off the top of my head, and I don’t know every family in the year - I bet there are more.

MauriceTheMussel · 25/03/2026 21:45

I have 6 aunts and 3 uncles on my mum’s side, and circa 30 cousins and however many second cousins. My dad is an only.

I have two sisters and a brother. Amongst that, 5 nieces/nephews.

Through distance or estrangement, I haven’t seen any of them for, at its shortest, 6 years.

I have friends I consider more my family than my actual family. Blood isn’t thicker than water. Don’t worry. I have friends that would bend over backwards for me and take far more of an interest in me and my children than my own immediate biological family.

People are what you make them.

AgeingBanana · 25/03/2026 22:34

My mum was one of four and my dad one of two and I’ve never known any of my 4 uncles or 9 cousins. My only child does see his cousins but he doesn’t see them often enough that they’re much of a social outlet for him.

Most only children I know have better social skills than children with siblings simply because they have to go out and make friends. I know a lot of sibling pairs/groups who struggle with situations where making temporary friends is nice (holidays, soft play, holiday clubs), simply because they’re used to sticking to their siblings.

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2026 22:36

Hmm I don't really know. I have had similar thoughts on this myself. I am an only child, as is my partner. I would like a child, however I would likely only have time for one (we would be older parents) and I am worried about bringing a child into a potentially lonely family set up. I have had a mixed response to my concerns, from people agreeing that it would be a worrying set of circumstances, to others telling me I am ridiculous, so I really don't know what to think!

Manicmondayss · 25/03/2026 22:40

It’s sad really but not much you can do about it. I would try and develop friendships and relationships with wider family if you can.

drspouse · 25/03/2026 22:42

My DH is an only and has one very elderly cousin and another one a bit younger than him.
I have 12 cousins, a brother, and 2 nieces and I don't see them from one year's end to the next!
We have two DCs so having sibling rivalry in the house is a bit of a shock to DH!
My DCs are adopted and between them have 6, 7 or 8 birth siblings (accounts vary) but again never see them.
So having relatives and actually seeing them, like, ever, are very different things.

Miranda65 · 25/03/2026 22:43

I know it is a cliche, but friends are much better than families because they are the people we actually choose.
What about your own friends, and their children? Godparents? Start inviting your good friends who may live a distance away to come and stay for a weekend - this can sustain good relationships for decades, in my experience.

Bufftailed · 25/03/2026 22:45

What matters is if she has a good and secure family life. Big families are not inherently better. You’re plenty, just as you are.

Treadcarefully11 · 25/03/2026 22:47

We are in a broadly similar situation. DS is 5 and is and will remain an only child. He has no cousins and only had 2 GP alive when he was born and the other 2 were in their 80’s.

We had no friends with children anywhere near the same age as him. They either had adult children or were childless. We literally didn’t know a single other person either family or friends with a child his age, not even close.

We knew from the outset that we had to build a community for him and that’s what we did.

I attended every single baby and toddler class I could find. I intentionally joined a lot of different groups to meet as many people as possible. Over time I soon built up a really good group of likeminded new friends with children of the same age. Some were from small families and others had moved areas for work so were no longer near their families.

Fast forward to now and we have the most amazing group of friends for our DS and us as a family. It was hard work at the outset but we persevered and now we have the best life imaginable. We also don’t have to worry about family feuds!

FancyCatSlave · 25/03/2026 23:12

My ex has siblings but they are NC and childless (as well as overseas) so DD has no family on his side that she will ever know. His parents are dead.

I have one brother, also childless and unlikely to change. So DD has only 2 grandparents and 1 uncle, and he’s fairly disengaged.

It is what it is. I make the effort to make sure she has plenty of friends and is kept busy. They don’t miss what they didn’t have though. I wasn’t close to my brother growing up and had 4 cousins I never saw (and only see one now infrequently and they have no kids) . So the reality of my life wasn’t that different and I’m not damaged by it.