Only child of two onlies

[AliceAbsolum]

DD, 3 is an only and we won't have any more. Due to health issues not choice.

She'll have no aunts or uncles, no cousins. DHs and my parents are in their 70s and 80s. My cousin is 60 and her children are in there 20s.
We did nct and yes she sees 2 boys from that every month or something. I'll do everything in my power to encourage her friendships.... But I just feel like she will miss out on having a wider family and not feel placed in the world. It's not natural for humans is it to be so isolated.

Yes I know lots of families are not close, but she won't ever get the chance at it. Makes me feel sad.

AIBU to think this is another miserable part of modern life and something more and more people will face due to the rapidly declining birth rate?

This is the situation for me too and it is surprisingly unusual. I don't know anyone else with no siblings or cousins. I do have good friendships and that is the key. Plus, it really is what it is in this case. It is good that you have recognised early on the need for friendships and that will improve as your DD gets older.

I am only child and my parents were too. They met and married late, so my grandparents died when I was quite young and I don’t really remember them.

Growing up I didn’t feel like I missed out as I knew no different than our little family and always had friends around.
Now I am older and with no children myself, yes it does feel sad that I have no relatives left.. so am on my own as such, but I am lucky to have some really great lifelong friends, so I am definitely never lonely

I would secretly be hoping she marries into a large jolly welcoming family.

My DP is a 3rd generation only, lost his mum at 18, his dad when he was 46, no cousins or aunts or grandparents, he does feel he’s missed out on family relationships and thinks my kids are lucky to have each other.

I'm glad to hear you don't feel lonely and have good friends. I too am an only child with no children of my own and I worry so much about the future, feeling alone and maybe being lonely.

May I ask please, is there anything particular you did to make connections and friends? Or did it just happen naturally?

I’d second family friends. DM has several friends with kids my and my brother’s age and we are still in touch, I went for lunch with mother of family friends and parents yesterday.

I have an only, DH and I do have siblings though. I'm not sure dwelling on the negatives is very helpful, you'll just pass this on to your child. I don't see it as 'miserable', yes it's a change in society but I see it as a positive thing for the planet. With increasing only children nowadays, my hope is they can take on closer friendship roles to each other in lieu of siblings. Big families are not necessarily better, so many families don't get on. Friends you can chose people you actually connect with .

I grew up with just my parents and a brother, all other relatives 5,000 miles away. The family friends we made were our 'family' network - we spent holidays and occasions with them and I never felt I missed out at all.

Jean and Dave, Sam and Dennis, Hetty and Bob, and all their kids were our aunts, uncles and cousins - they couldn't have loved us more if we were blood relatives.

Found families can be wonderful.

That's reassuring thanks everyone. You just have to make the best of it don't you.

Focus on strong relationships with the family you do have - with luck they will be an important part of your DD's life for many years to come. If you and DH have really good mutual friends with children then these can, if you are lucky, also turn out to be lifelong friendships for the children too (obviously you can't force this, but there can be something quite special about whole-family friendships if the dynamics work). As adults there is something important about knowing other adults where you have grown up together and known each other's parents well - a bit like that "cousin" dynamic. And if you have the opportunity for a tight-knit community (e.g. one based around a particular shared culture or religion) then those can be very important too.

Agree. I’m the sane (only married to an only with an only). I do though have good friends who love and care for her as they l love and care for me which is better than the lottery of relatives who may not.

My friend is like this. She and her DH are onlies and they have one child. Now a teenager. He’s thriving.

I had DC2 in part because DC1 didn’t have any cousins or wider family to grow up with. It hasn’t really enhanced their lives in any way. I think they’ve maybe spoken once in the last week and they live in the same house.

edited to add that I have 20 odd cousins and I’d walk past most of them in the street as I wouldn’t recognise them!

This might possibly change as they get older though and they may appreciate having each other then.

Do you have any friends with children, or who are planning children? I have 2 children and neither mine or DH siblings have had any children yet (not sure if they ever will) so they don’t have any actual blood family cousins but we both have lots of friends with children a similar age so although they don’t have cousins, they do still have those relationships, see them every week, we do dinners/park trips/softplay/birthdays/Sunday lunches/parties etc so they aren’t missing anything!

I understand what you mean but you can't dwell on it too much or you'll be in danger of missing out on the things that are really good about your family life.

Things don't always work out the way we think. I have a sister who doesn't live that far away but she pretty much cut me off over 10 years ago. We each have two kids but they've barely seen each other in years. My husband was one of 4 and MIL was always banging on about big families being the best and "we're like the Waltons". But his siblings have all died and only his sister had one child, much older than ours and she's moved away. So in biological terms my kids have 3 cousins but in practical terms they don't really have any! My husband's parents both died when our kids were still young and my parents have never seemed very interested - which surprised me as my own grandparents were a huge part of my childhood and young adult life. Oh and my two are 10 years apart (not planned like that) so it's been a bit like having two only children rather than a pair of siblings.

But we enjoy life and make the best of it. Lots of activity, time with friends (theirs and ours). Lots of freedom to do what we want without scheduling in extended family. My husband has commented that only children often seem more confident socially because (a) they are more used to talking to adults and (b) they have to be more proactive at finding companions their own age. He admits that having 3 siblings made him quite lazy at making and maintaining friendships because he didn't really need to seek out company when the house was already full of people! Hope that makes sense.

Both my parents come from absolutely enormous extended families, at least 30 cousins each yet they only see them at family funerals. They haven't maintained any close relationships with them since their childhoods. And while I still speak to my own cousins, I've only seen them a handful of times in the last decade and grew up living 300 miles away. And I don't speak to my siblings. I'm absolutely not lonely though.

People seem to have this very black and white view when it comes to lonlieness and family members. There is no evidenced correlation between the amount of family members both immediate and extended and lonlieness. Some people may be lonely as only children. Equally people can be lonely in a large family. And vice versa.

Yes some people may feel a certain type of loneliness from not having family members but loneliness and life is a lot more complex than this and there are different types of lonlieness. Loneliness tends to come from lack of connection and one or two siblings isn't going to replace loneliness if you have no friends, no connection to community or the loneliness some (not all) people feel by not having a partner.

You don't suddenly just appreciate each other just because your blood related and you've gotten older.

I usually find that if siblings aren't close as they get older than it normally stays that way. I have two siblings I don't speak too. They've made no effort at all with me or my children over the past few years. I can't see us speaking at all when our parents die and I can't say I'm overly bothered either.

I think this touches on an important point Op, which is that lots of people have big families but they aren't close or happy or seldom see each other.

You can't change how many cousins etc she has, but you can embrace the ones she DOES have.

It doesn't matter if they are in their 20's.Plan some regular family get togethers - maybe Bonfire Night with fireworks and marshmallow roasting? Or an annual Easter lunch - and most cousins in their 20's (and 70 year old GP!) will enter in to an Egg hunt if there is a lively family roast after. She really won't feel it so much if you don't make it seem sad. I thought seeing my Grandparents was the most exciting thing ever! I did have cousins my age, and enjoyed them, but actually Grandparents and fun aunts/uncles/grown up cousins are more magnetic when you are little.

My niece is an only of one only so she’s got another side to her family. Never been an issue. Never crossed anyone’s minds

That is your experience. In mine, I have seen the opposite happen in my family. My opinion is equally as valid as yours.

That's not quite the same situation though, is it? If one of her parents has siblings and through that your niece has extended family, it isn't the same situation as the OPs child.

Sorry if I have misunderstood what you were saying though.

No it’s not the same but I do think there can be a lot of unnecessary worry around only children. I suppose the OP’s situation is somewhat different in that there is no extended family on either side x

I was like an only as my 2 siblings were much much older. My gps were dead before I was born. My parents died in my mid teens and I left school and got a job, moved to London where I met so many people who I became really friendly with. I married and had my own children. I’ve had a great life-yes it’s been different to close knit, large families but every situation has its pluses and minuses. I missed out on the support and love of a close family but grew used to handling things myself so have developed a confidence that there is nothing in the world I couldn’t handle if I had to. I e had freedom to make my own choices-unlike some I know who are so tied to their families’ expectations and roles, they aren’t free to do that. So don’t be sad for your child. If they have loving parents and a stable home, they have already won the lottery. You can focus your time helping th3m to learn and thrive. I think it’s easier in these circumstances to live in a city where there are opportunities to develop friendships as people are open to it rather than be in a place where everyone stays put and keeps to their own family. Best wishes and please look on the positives for your child.

Did I say anything about your experience not being valid?

I was pointing out that siblings don't always appreciate each other. I'm not sure how you got from that I didn't say your opinion or experience wasn't valid.

People can have opinions and experiences different from yours you know and still appreciate the other side too.

You said:

"You don't suddenly just appreciate each other just because your blood related and you've gotten older."

The use of the word 'don't' to me strongly implied it wasn't possible, and hence what I said was invalid.

I originally said:

"This might possibly change as they get older though and they may appreciate having each other then."

I wasn't stating my opinion as a 'definite' like you were.