Only child of two onlies

[AliceAbsolum]

DD, 3 is an only and we won't have any more. Due to health issues not choice.

She'll have no aunts or uncles, no cousins. DHs and my parents are in their 70s and 80s. My cousin is 60 and her children are in there 20s.
We did nct and yes she sees 2 boys from that every month or something. I'll do everything in my power to encourage her friendships.... But I just feel like she will miss out on having a wider family and not feel placed in the world. It's not natural for humans is it to be so isolated.

Yes I know lots of families are not close, but she won't ever get the chance at it. Makes me feel sad.

AIBU to think this is another miserable part of modern life and something more and more people will face due to the rapidly declining birth rate?

I agree with @Treadcarefully11 - accept the situation both positive and negative, and put the hours in to mitigate what you can. Be the open house to their friends. Volunteer, be known. Do birthday parties, picnics, group camping holidays, get togethers. Offer lifts and be the person who people can call to pick up their kids when their car breaks down. Join group activities like Scouts/Woodcraft Folk/orchestra/church/ synagogue/mosque and do it long term. Even consider fostering? Prioritise long term and likely friendships when choosing schools.

Im not going to say i was brilliant at all this but I tried. Ds should definitely have had a sibling, and I would have wanted to avoid the big family bustup that cut him off from a set of cousins. But he does have an incredibly tight-knit group of friends - he’s 22 and about to get a flat with a lad he’s known since they were 5.

Looking back into the past is pointless, and you are seeing what low mood makes you see. Think about Anne of Green Gables, not Little Women.

They won't be necessrily be good friends when they are older though.
Family is overrated. Friends are the family you choose for yourself.

Christ are you this pedantic in real life?

It was fairly obvious when I mentioned my own experience that what I was talking about.

If you missed this because you were too busy forensically taking my post apart word from word and looking for arguments where there are none, then I feel sorry for you.

Well maybe you should choose your words in a more considered manner. It came across very much as if your way was the only way.

Am I this this pedantic in real life? I could equally ask if you are this rude in real life?

We are in exactly the same situation as you. I’ve worked hard to cultivate friendships- for example on Christmas Day we join a bunch of other families in a pub in the morning and the kids all bring a favourite toy. We also started a NYE tradition with another group. We make sure we make an effort to invite families over for play dates and for drinks etc just to cultivate that, even though I’m naturally not that sociable. As our child gets older we are thinking about inviting families to holiday with or near us, and inviting school friends to join our child. We are going to keep doing what we can basically.

Do you have close friends who are like family that you can holiday with and spend time with on a regular basis? As an only child I definitely found this helpful.

I fail to see how there anything not considered in my post. I said absolutely nothing about your experience.

I was clearly and plainly talking about my own experience. I am very sorry if I have failed to use the exact correct grammar to stop you taking offence at something that didn't even reference yourself.

And no I'm not this rude. But I do get exasperated at people like yourself who clearly take offence at everyone and like to create arguments where there are none to be made.

Well I get exasperated by people like you who come in all guns blazing and present their opinion as fact and then can't even see that they have done that.

I do have good friends, but they either are childfree, or have older children and I see them a few times a year.

I do hope she will marry into a large family!

Good ideas though about just being as social and open as possible with other children and families.

The only problem was again, as you repeatedly keep failing to notice was that I was talking about my own experience.

And I didn't actually come in all guns blazing. If you had read my first post on the thread, I had actually talked about peoples experiences of siblings, only child would be different and was the whole point of my post. Its there impossible when I make this point, I would think my own opinion is fact.

It's the last thing I'll say because it's very clear on this and numerous other threads you see yourself as this permanent victim on here and real life. And while you hold that view, you'll continue to take offence when there's none to be had.

We were much closer as kids and now as adults to my parents’ best friends and their kids than we were to my parents’ siblings and their kids (our cousins). We saw friends all the time, they were the ones we did Xmas Eve with and had other traditions with. I have siblings but they don’t live nearby so if I have kids (which I hope to) then I’ll be building relationships with friends and their kids.

And yet there’s a long thread about whether people feel judged about being one and done and most people were in agreement that it was a parents choice not to have more than one and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it

the thing is if your health conditions are such you really can’t have more there is little you can do - you can make the best of it of course and things may turn out ok they may not just the same way having more than 1 child can create a lifelong sibling bond or it may not

Me too, I know some people are saying it’s fine but I grew up with no family other than my mum (she moved away) and I hated not having extended family, no aunties , uncles, cousins, grandparents that everyone else had

My best friend is an only of two onlies. We're now in our 40s/50s, and single. We've a tight friendship group, who are the family we've chosen. Her Dad hasn't been in her life for a long time, and her Mum was very ill, then sadly died last year. We were there. Whenever, wherever, and doing whatever. So, I'd say friends can be more to you than family.

I’m an only child, my DM was an only child and my DD is an only child. My DF had one brother who has now sadly passed away. DH’s family is slightly bigger. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I didn’t realise until quite recently how unusual it is for there to be three generations of only children who are all girls.

My DM was a stay at home mum during my early life, but always took every opportunity to ensure I was able to mix and meet other children. We have done the same with DD, who has lots of friends and is very sociable. We also have some very close family friends who our DD has known since she was born, and she refers to their children as “friend cousins”.

Would I have liked to have been part of a larger family? Yes, probably, but I don’t give it much thought most of the time as a small family has been all I have ever known.

You are doing it again. You just don't see it.

I know a child who lives with their single mother and has no contact with their father or his family. In fact the child only has the following blood relatives - mum, one unmarried childless aunt, maternal grandparents and one unmarried childless great aunt.

However, the child’s mum is good friends with a lesbian couple and their children, and they all spend a lot of time together, including going on holidays. So I don’t think they are actually lonely.

Hello thank you .My close friends are people who I have kept in touch with from school, a hobby I do or from previous jobs , so I guess it was just a connection through shared experiences or interests. I also lucky that as some of them have had children I have become Godmother , which is lovely to experience them growing up too. I also just try and be a good friend back when they need me.

I actually think that being an only child makes you more independent, because you have make an effort to meet people but also it makes you more content in your own company. As I said , I don’t really feel I missed out as I knew no different

Yes I do sometimes think about what will happen if I become unable to look after myself, but my plan is to move to some sheltered accommodation in the future, should I be lucky enough to reach a good age, so the care and company hopefully are there . Also I think if I had children I wouldn’t want them having to deal with that anyway.

I hope you manage to find the positives with the independence that life gives you with no dependents and that you enjoy the adventures life throws your way.

It is quite sad when you say it like that but you can’t do anything about it so no point in dwelling on it. My mum is 1 of 7 all have children and I speak to none only 1 aunt occasionally (they do all live in another country but still!) my dad is 1 of 4, again, all have kids and I don’t speak to any of them either. There was no feuds or anything just never had a relationship with any. You don’t miss what you never had.

Ds is an only as well and my family also is not big. He doesn't see his dad or his dad's side that often apart from grandparents and this absolutely worries me.

I make a real effort to try to promote his friendships and to equip him with the skills to be a good friend but also to pick good friends because I know he'll need that in his life. I think really op that's the best you can possibly do for your little one.

When I start to get really anxious about it I remember advice I got on here once before where someone told me in those moments to picture him when he's on his 80th birthday surrounded by his wife and his children and grandkids who all love him and have made his life rich and full of happiness. And honestly that really helps as weird as it sounds.

It's not our job necessarily to provide that for our children, it's our job to teach our children how to create that for themselves.

I'm an only child of two workaholic parents who moved away for work, and were always working and never made any time for family.

So I technically do have loads of relatives but I barely ever saw them (my granddad died when I was 11 so I did meet most of them at the funeral) and never got to have a relationship with my cousins, we're just strangers who happen to be Facebook friends.

I made lots of friends. I have a wide social group. It has taught me it's important to invest in friendships so I am very proactive about that. It's fine.

Lots of families have only one child nowadays so they'll be keen for playdates etc.

My dh is 1 of 4, i have a sister. Dh is NC with his mum and siblings, his father and siblings all live abroad anyway. My parents and sister live abroad too and we are so distant we basically only message once every few months and see each other once every 2 years (its strained), my mum mainly looks at photos of my son rather than talking to me.

Dh and i might as well be onlies raising an only..we barely have parents.

I’m a bit sad for my dc that they only have 2 cousins and one is in a different country, the other 4 hours away and 15 years younger than my eldest. I’m from a family where I have 14 cousins and we don’t live close but do keep in touch. The contrast is vast so I get where you’re coming from but I think you have to focus on the positives and the closeness of your own little family.

Only here and not close to wider family - I chose to have a large family for that reason but please don‘t beat yourself up over this. @AliceAbsolum Your child will be so loved and find her own way in life. Do not be sad for your DD, she’ll be fine. As PP said pick solid Godparents and encourage good friendships. I made friends in my twenties who are like family to me - I chose them and they chose me. Blood bonds don’t guarantee lifelong relationships.

Perhaps when your child is older you could do some work tracing their family tree. One of my family members has recently done a lot of work tracing ours and it is at least somewhat anchoring to see where you have come from!