AIBU to keep distance from my mom after I felt she was centring my pregnancy around herself

[Firstimemamma26]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective as I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first child and reflecting a lot on my relationship with my mum.

For context, this will also be her first grandchild.

When I first told my mum I was pregnant, she seemed very excited. However, quite quickly it started to feel like the pregnancy was becoming more about her becoming a grandmother rather than me and my partner becoming parents for the first time.

She became very fixated on the idea of being a grandma. Every time she called, the conversation centred around her becoming a grandmother — what she would buy, how she would help, what she was going to do with the baby — rather than acknowledging that this is my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

She also started saying she would attend appointments and be at the hospital when I give birth. She didn’t ask, she just assumed. This made me uncomfortable, as I had imagined those moments being shared between me and my partner.

She also began buying bigger baby items (like a changing unit) without asking and saying she would give them to me closer to the time. These were things I had imagined choosing with my partner, and it started to feel like she was taking over parts of the experience.

She was also calling every couple of days saying she was bored and looking at baby things, even mentioning she had been “circling baby stuff on Next.” It felt like she was preparing for a baby herself rather than supporting me.

Over time, I started to feel like she was bypassing the relationship with me and instead focusing on building a relationship directly with my baby — almost like trying to make up for the relationship we never had by focusing on becoming a grandmother.

Eventually I sent a calm message explaining that everything would be done as me and my partner as a team, and that we were looking forward to experiencing things together. I also mentioned that I felt she hadn’t really acknowledged my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

Her response was that she and her partner were deeply upset and that they would step back completely and no longer be involved. She distanced herself immediately after I set that boundary, and we haven’t spoken in around 3 months.

This made me feel that if setting a reasonable boundary led to her stepping back entirely, then things likely would have become even more difficult postpartum if I hadn’t spoken up.

For further context, me and my mum have never really been close. My 20s consisted of her being very in and out of my life, with long periods of no contact. The relationship has always felt inconsistent.

It was only when I got into a serious relationship with my partner that she suddenly became more consistent, which I found odd given our history.

Growing up, I often felt unwanted and there were several difficult experiences including:

• Being left with my dad for over a year when I was young before she returned
• A physical incident where I got a black eye and social services were involved
• Being treated coldly or kicked out when I tried to build a relationship with my dad
• Identity/financial issues including credit being taken out in my name when I was younger
• Being told child benefit had stopped at 16, but later finding out it hadn’t, while also being asked for money from my first wages

Now that I’m pregnant, it’s made me reflect even more on the type of environment I want for my own child. I want to be close with my daughter and provide stability — something I don’t feel I had.

Part of me feels relieved at the current distance, as I worry about her being overly involved or overstepping once the baby arrives. But another part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh by not reaching out.

She hasn’t contacted me in 3 months, and I haven’t contacted her either.

I suppose I’m asking:

• Would you leave things as they are?
• Would you reach out before the baby arrives?
• Or accept that sometimes distance from a parent is healthier?

Pregnancy has made me reflect a lot on my upbringing and I just want to create a calm, stable environment for my child.

Any perspective appreciated

She’s thrilled to be a first time GP. Any other issues are separate. Either involve her or don’t.

She has overstepped but the whole “not acknowledging the pregnancy” sounds a bit odd when she’s literally out buying stuff for the baby. Do you mean she’s not been asking about your health, how you’re finding the pregnancy etc?

What do you mean by "acknowledging that we will be parents for the first time"? Surely that's obvious unless she has suspicions that one of you found a baby in a cabbage patch.

She sounds absolutely toxic, abusive and a bit of a horror.
Take this distance as a blessing.
Look after yourself.
You really do not need such narcissistic behaviour around you or your baby.
Mind yourself.

You’ve done nothing wrong except fix your boundaries and quite right too. If she wants to sulk that’s on her. Wishing you a peaceful rest of your pregnancy.

@Restlessdreams1994 @Dearoversorry both what I meant to say was not really acknowledging the fact that this is our moment as first time parents. It more centred around grandma

Well, she's her own main character just as you are yours, plus you've never been close or had an unproblematic relationship, so hardly surprising she'd focused on becoming a grandmother and buying stuff rather than on you.

I would have said that her going mad buying stuff was an attempt to build bridges, however clumsily, and that your text felt like a rejection. Up to you what you do with that, though, obviously. If you are happier being out of contact, just leave it at that for now.

I wouldn’t do anything. You put your boundaries in place, she is deeply unhappy about that and has thrown her toys out of the pram. I think it’s a good idea you put your boundaries in sooner, rather than later

It feels to me like she thinks the baby is “a do over” and she can do things differently this time. But her failings as a mother are not your problem to resolve

The list of incidents paints a picture and it's no wonder you don't feel safe in a close relationship with her.

I don't see why that would change just because you're now expecting a baby, quite the opposite in fact. Your instinct to protect yourself makes sense.

If she now reaps what she sowed as a parent to you, then so be it.

Oh OP, I could have written your post. I truly empathise.

My mum was very emotional distant and had a temper problem when I was a kid. When I was a teen we had an awful relationship and then somehow became incredibly co-dependent. She was quite hurt when I moved out and married. When I got pregnant she very openly saw it as a do-over, saying that grandparents were supposed to raise kids whilst parents worked, and now was her time to enjoy a child. She would be with me in the hospital, she would buy all the big things. As soon as I started putting my foot down, the cold shoulder and isolation started, and has never fully recovered. Now she only wants to speak to my DC, not me, and they are her darlings and the love of her life. I have had to minimise contact as much as possible, but DC do love her so can't cut her off entirely.

I have a normal healthy relationship with my mother. If she had got carried away with the grandparent excitement, and accidentally overstepped, our conversation would have gone something like this:

Me: Mum, it's important to me that me and DH do these things/buy these things together, as we are doing this together.
Mum: I am so sorry! I massively overstepped - I just got carried away with excitement. I am fully here to support whatever you and your DH choose for your baby. Just let me know how I can help.

That is a normal response for a healthy, non-controlling mother/adult daughter relationship. The fact that your mother did not react like that when you reasonably pointed out that she was steamrollering you shows a lot about her personality.
In your shoes I'd be massively relieved she's stropped off. If she worms her way back, be prepared to stand up for yourself again. Decide what kind of relationship you actually want (taking into account her unreliability and other less pleasant tendencies) and don't let her bully you into going beyond this just because she might strop again.

Be happy she has put the boundary up. Do not contact her even after your baby is born. She will make you unhappy and make it all about her. Do not engage and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Stay low contact. She’s abused you throughout your life and will continue to do so if given the opportunity. She’s doing it right now by vanishing as an emotional punishment for you expressing your feelings and autonomy.

Also ignore the responses that are along the lines of the first few. They are trying to incite a pile-on by acting as if she was being lovely and you’re demanding or some such nonsense. This is obviously untrue from your OP and they are well aware of it.

Well the excitement of “baby’s first changing table” is something that no new parents should miss out on.

I would have paid good money for someone to buy all the paraphernalia that goes with having a baby.

What does “acknowledging you as first time parents” mean? It’s a daily reference before she goes onto other things.

The whole set-up / mindset sounds like you both have an over-active case of “main player syndrome”

Why did she leave you with Dad?
What was the physical altercation
Was your day awful, which is why she wasn’t keen on you furthering your relationship
As for charging rent, there is a whole thread on here encouraging parents to charge rent from as early as possible.

Maybe she saw the new baby as a way to reset thing?

Anyhow, your boundaries are your boundaries, as long as you are happy with them, that’s fine.

Do nothing. She sounds dreadful. Your baby is not a play thing, or an opportunity for a do-over. Ball is in her court. She can take accountability for her behaviour, or not.

Oh, tbh, I’d have done the same as she did.
She was showing you how excited she was. Your discomfort about some of her suggestions should have simply prompted a ‘don’t be silly! DP and I will be doing that!’ response rather than a nasty, condescending lecture about her not recognising you.

What a shame you’ve lost out on an engaged, loving grandparent for your child, and before they’re even born.

It sounds like you've dodged a bullet op. Well done for having boundaries!

Well, all the grandma stuff is completely normal and you are overreacting there. But the growing up stuff, that wasn’t OK, so it is not surprising you feel on edge.

@Swiftie1878excited or overstepping? You don’t get to bypass the parents and have direct access to the child sorry. And if she was so excited why was it so easy for her to cut us off because we asked her to respect us as parents.

This is a ridiculous post. All other issues are entirely pertinent. She won’t suddenly become a good mother because of this ( as you have seen). Neither is she likely to be a good grand mother however you might want her too.

Your child isn’t born yet.
It is clear from the way you described her behaviour since finding out you are pregnant, that she was VERY excited.
Did she overstep? Absolutely, in some of her suggestions (being at the birth etc).
Did she deserve a smack down because of it? No! A gentle laying out of the ground rules could have sorted everything out, but that’s not what you did.
Maybe all the history you’ve cited justifies your approach, so you’ve ended up where you wanted to be. But it’s a real shame for her and for your child that this joyful event couldn’t bring you closer as a family, but rather has fractured the relationship completely.

typo

She sounds like hard work. She is not listening to you, or even asking you anything, and when you did say something, she overreacted. It sounds like you will be forever on egg shells around her. If she is genuinely that excited, I'd expect her to resume contact before the baby is born, so consider what you want to do if she does. It's absolutely ok for you to have clear boundaries in place and maintain them, otherwise you will easily end up in a situation where she is demanding things you aren't happy with e.g. having the baby stay with them etc.

• Being left with my dad for over a year when I was young before she returned
• A physical incident where I got a black eye and social services were involved
• Being treated coldly or kicked out when I tried to build a relationship with my dad
• Identity/financial issues including credit being taken out in my name when I was younger
• Being told child benefit had stopped at 16, but later finding out it hadn’t, while also being asked for money from my first wages

I wouldn't let someone capable of abusing her own daughter in multiple ways like this near enough to give a baby a first 10 foot bargepole.

I think that if you had had a previous good relationship with your mother her excitement would grate less.
She is of course quite wrong to assume she would be there at the birth or exactly what her role should be, but buying items in consultation with parents is not so bad.
She has not been a good mum for you so it is a tricky situation.
I would leave things lie for now .... she is a problem too far while you are gestating your lovely baby.

I can't believe some of the responses on here. I'm so sorry you have an abusive mother. Can I suggest, only if you feel safe and ready to do so, that you seek long term therapy to help you process your childhood experiences. Becoming a parent is very triggering when you have an abusive childhood history. I wish you all the peace and love.