AIBU to keep distance from my mom after I felt she was centring my pregnancy around herself

[Firstimemamma26]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective as I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first child and reflecting a lot on my relationship with my mum.

For context, this will also be her first grandchild.

When I first told my mum I was pregnant, she seemed very excited. However, quite quickly it started to feel like the pregnancy was becoming more about her becoming a grandmother rather than me and my partner becoming parents for the first time.

She became very fixated on the idea of being a grandma. Every time she called, the conversation centred around her becoming a grandmother — what she would buy, how she would help, what she was going to do with the baby — rather than acknowledging that this is my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

She also started saying she would attend appointments and be at the hospital when I give birth. She didn’t ask, she just assumed. This made me uncomfortable, as I had imagined those moments being shared between me and my partner.

She also began buying bigger baby items (like a changing unit) without asking and saying she would give them to me closer to the time. These were things I had imagined choosing with my partner, and it started to feel like she was taking over parts of the experience.

She was also calling every couple of days saying she was bored and looking at baby things, even mentioning she had been “circling baby stuff on Next.” It felt like she was preparing for a baby herself rather than supporting me.

Over time, I started to feel like she was bypassing the relationship with me and instead focusing on building a relationship directly with my baby — almost like trying to make up for the relationship we never had by focusing on becoming a grandmother.

Eventually I sent a calm message explaining that everything would be done as me and my partner as a team, and that we were looking forward to experiencing things together. I also mentioned that I felt she hadn’t really acknowledged my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

Her response was that she and her partner were deeply upset and that they would step back completely and no longer be involved. She distanced herself immediately after I set that boundary, and we haven’t spoken in around 3 months.

This made me feel that if setting a reasonable boundary led to her stepping back entirely, then things likely would have become even more difficult postpartum if I hadn’t spoken up.

For further context, me and my mum have never really been close. My 20s consisted of her being very in and out of my life, with long periods of no contact. The relationship has always felt inconsistent.

It was only when I got into a serious relationship with my partner that she suddenly became more consistent, which I found odd given our history.

Growing up, I often felt unwanted and there were several difficult experiences including:

• Being left with my dad for over a year when I was young before she returned
• A physical incident where I got a black eye and social services were involved
• Being treated coldly or kicked out when I tried to build a relationship with my dad
• Identity/financial issues including credit being taken out in my name when I was younger
• Being told child benefit had stopped at 16, but later finding out it hadn’t, while also being asked for money from my first wages

Now that I’m pregnant, it’s made me reflect even more on the type of environment I want for my own child. I want to be close with my daughter and provide stability — something I don’t feel I had.

Part of me feels relieved at the current distance, as I worry about her being overly involved or overstepping once the baby arrives. But another part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh by not reaching out.

She hasn’t contacted me in 3 months, and I haven’t contacted her either.

I suppose I’m asking:

• Would you leave things as they are?
• Would you reach out before the baby arrives?
• Or accept that sometimes distance from a parent is healthier?

Pregnancy has made me reflect a lot on my upbringing and I just want to create a calm, stable environment for my child.

Any perspective appreciated

Have any of the posters telling you that you are unreasonable even bothered to read your first post? This woman was emotionally and physically abusive to you as a child. There's no way in hell she should be allowed anywhere near your baby.

My mums first focus every time we spoke when I was pregnant with my first was on how I was. What are my plans for birth, for housing etc, how am I managing… it doesn’t sound like any of these are considerations for the ops mum.
a lot of posters are being really harsh. You can be excited about being a grandma and also be excited for and caring to your daughter.

putting some boundaries in early is good op, and tell your midwives and dh she’s not welcome at the birth.

You both sound a bit dramatic.

The main players when a child is born are the parents.

acknowledging the first time as parents examples:
“how are you feeling about becoming a mum?”
”I’m so excited for you and your partner, being a parent is such a rewarding thing”
“it can be scary before the baby comes, is there anything I can say / do?”
“I can’t wait to see you become a mum. You’re going to be amazing”
”is there anything I can get for you / the baby? I found X,Y,Z if you’d like to take a look and let me know?”

Other peoplease dont just vanish our parents contributed when I was pregant and I was very thankful to them because they were grandparents, people complain the village has disappeared except when they want something from the village like baby sitting or free childcare

Yes sometimes people can be a bit pushy but parents are not the centre of the universe either, people have been having children for thousands of years it is perfectly normal

You’re lucky to have the distance before the baby arrived. Her behaviour is extremely selfish and I know I can’t diagnose someone, but it sounds pretty narcissistic. I think once you have your baby you will constantly compare how you love and treat your baby with how your mother treated you. I had that experience. I would never treat my daughter the way my mother treated me. Another thing to watch for is your mother trying to create a dynamic where she sidelines you and tries to create a relationship with your daughter where you are excluded.

If the OP hadn't included those details she would be accused of drip-feeding. They are entirely relevant to understanding why her mother's behaviour is less that of an over-excited grandmother-to-be and more that of a controlling abuser.

I came on to say the same . It’s ok to have boundaries with an abusive parent. Look after yourself

Take it as a win OP. If she goes in a huff about "we want to buy this stuff ourselves" imagine how she'd react to "the health visitor says you shouldn't do it like that" once the baby's born? First time you and she disagree about how your baby should be looked after, you would be in exactly this position, except that you would be dealing with the emotional upset at the same time as dealing with the physical and mental demands of early motherhood.

Buying a changing table and clothes from next are not an issue in my opinion. Inviting herself to appointments and the birth is a massive overstep I think. I have a close relationship with mum but I wouldn’t have wanted her there during labour and you are an adult you don’t need her at appointments. She is the one who over reacted to your message . Having read about the history I don’t really blame you for feeling how you feel. I think you just need to do what you feel is best for you and best for the baby . A friend of mine hasn’t spoken to her mum in 20 years . You aren’t obligated to stay in contact if you don’t want to .none of us can make the decision for you though.

Given that she was frankly a bad parent this is what I would do in your shoes.

Her behaviour could be seen as the result of excitement and being carried away - if she had been a decent, loving parent. I know women whose DMs were like this and who had to be reminded exactly whose baby this is and that they would not be in the birthing room and they would not be doing XYZ. But their responses were to apologise and calm down. You’re in a very different situation, and i think you would be wise to keep your distance.

The brutal truth is that you don’t need her. Those of us whose DMs had died before we had DC know that. I wish my DM had seen her DGC grow up but if she’d been like yours I would have kept my DC away from her.

I would wait for her to reach out. If she does and apologises you can decide if you want to let her back in or not but with firm boundaries and expectations

She sounds like a nightmare. Its about her. You've put boundaries in place and she doesn't like it. That's her problem. Keep things as they are. You don't owe her.

Irs obvious that deeper issues are there..
I understand your feelings I had a negative upbringing with my mum.
My situation is no contact now I'm 51 with grown up sons.
I think all you have done is set a boundary in that a lot of what she is doing is what you and your partner want to do and that's OK.
What isn't right is her blanking of you for 3 months when you're pregnant she is immature in her actions .. you quite rightly have resentment from your childhood
Maybe low contact .
Look after and protect your little family x

From the background, you would be totally justified to go no contact for any of those listed reasons about your upbringing and her on and off contact which would be disruptive for your own child.

However, I think her being excited about becoming a grandmother more than her being excited that you’re becoming a mother is totally normal - that’s how she will experience your child (if you allow it) and she’s got a bit too excited.

So I think you overreacted to her excited about becoming a grandmother but likely did so because there already existed too many very good reasons why she’s a toxic influence in your life which all, separately, justify a no contact decision

It’s obviously a very complex relationship and it’s unreasonable to expect you to forget and discount previous behaviour because a new baby is on the way. A previous poster said it well- it’s understandable for new grandparents to get carried away and I’m sure many have done it. Your reaction to it is indicative of the prior relationship- most people could say “whoa mum, you’re getting a bit carried away” and the answer would be “oh yes maybe I am, I’m just so happy for you and so excited to be having a grandchild”. Equally, if you had had a good relationship with her before you’d have just seen it as being over excited and not read in to it in the way you have.

Play it by ear. You don’t need to make any decisions now, see how you feel later in the pregnancy and after baby is born. But you need to set realistic expectations of the relationship and her behaviour and stick to your boundaries.

This, all this.

The most telling thing to me is that after the OP spoke to her the grandma-to-be has completely withdrawn. That is 100% narcisist behaviour and shows that everything she has done was about her rather than the OP or her baby.

She's never put you first, OP. She's selfish and self-absorbed.

The longer she stays away, the better. The way she treated you as child and young adult was appalling. I wouldn't want her to have free access to my child and I certainly wouldn't want her there at the birth.

I'd leave her to it

Hi OP

You might want to get this moved to the relationships board, also repost with the complex relationship you have with your mum at the top, and the update about what's happened recently at the botrom, as you're getting a lot of responses from the perspectives of people with healthy relationships with their parents (who wouldn't keep their distance because their parents were over excited about becoming grandparents) and this situation is very different.

Your mum has a history of being cold, volatile, and emotionally neglectful to you. She is unlikley to start being the parent you want towards you when you are pregnant, or ever, to be blunt. Sometimes people can be good grandparents even if they aren't good parents but I think this is very rare, most people dont change personality or how they relate to others. So I do think it's likely that even though she is excited about being a grandparent, she would ignore your boundaries with a baby (eg give them certain food before they're ready, ignore routines and other advice) or remain volatile, or cold when they are older (eg tell them off for crying, if that's something she used to do to you). Would you ever let someone care for your child, that gave their own child a black eye and where social services were involved? I'd also be worried that if she has a history of disappearing, that she does the same thing to your child even if they've built up a strong relationship.

No real advice but I do think you're right to put boundaries in place with your mum given the history here (if there wasn't any such history I think I'd be saying something different) as I don't think she has the capacity to be the mother you want (and likley in the long term, rhe grandmother you want for your child). I'd maybe reach out if you feel like you want to, but I'd hold firm on boundaries and don't be bullied into anything (like leaving the child alone with her, if you're not comfortable with that)

She was a cruel, abusive and neglectful mother to you, OP. Based on that, I wouldn't be encouraging her to get close to your child. It's natural for grandparents to get excited and maybe even overstep from time to time but her reaction speaks volumes.

My take: she wants to rewrite history using your child, but the moment this child develops a mind of his or her own (like you have) her poison will come back out. Her distance may well be a blessing.

Stay away from this woman. Do not let her poison do down and damage another generation.