AIBU to keep distance from my mom after I felt she was centring my pregnancy around herself

[Firstimemamma26]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective as I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first child and reflecting a lot on my relationship with my mum.

For context, this will also be her first grandchild.

When I first told my mum I was pregnant, she seemed very excited. However, quite quickly it started to feel like the pregnancy was becoming more about her becoming a grandmother rather than me and my partner becoming parents for the first time.

She became very fixated on the idea of being a grandma. Every time she called, the conversation centred around her becoming a grandmother — what she would buy, how she would help, what she was going to do with the baby — rather than acknowledging that this is my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

She also started saying she would attend appointments and be at the hospital when I give birth. She didn’t ask, she just assumed. This made me uncomfortable, as I had imagined those moments being shared between me and my partner.

She also began buying bigger baby items (like a changing unit) without asking and saying she would give them to me closer to the time. These were things I had imagined choosing with my partner, and it started to feel like she was taking over parts of the experience.

She was also calling every couple of days saying she was bored and looking at baby things, even mentioning she had been “circling baby stuff on Next.” It felt like she was preparing for a baby herself rather than supporting me.

Over time, I started to feel like she was bypassing the relationship with me and instead focusing on building a relationship directly with my baby — almost like trying to make up for the relationship we never had by focusing on becoming a grandmother.

Eventually I sent a calm message explaining that everything would be done as me and my partner as a team, and that we were looking forward to experiencing things together. I also mentioned that I felt she hadn’t really acknowledged my partner and I becoming parents for the first time.

Her response was that she and her partner were deeply upset and that they would step back completely and no longer be involved. She distanced herself immediately after I set that boundary, and we haven’t spoken in around 3 months.

This made me feel that if setting a reasonable boundary led to her stepping back entirely, then things likely would have become even more difficult postpartum if I hadn’t spoken up.

For further context, me and my mum have never really been close. My 20s consisted of her being very in and out of my life, with long periods of no contact. The relationship has always felt inconsistent.

It was only when I got into a serious relationship with my partner that she suddenly became more consistent, which I found odd given our history.

Growing up, I often felt unwanted and there were several difficult experiences including:

• Being left with my dad for over a year when I was young before she returned
• A physical incident where I got a black eye and social services were involved
• Being treated coldly or kicked out when I tried to build a relationship with my dad
• Identity/financial issues including credit being taken out in my name when I was younger
• Being told child benefit had stopped at 16, but later finding out it hadn’t, while also being asked for money from my first wages

Now that I’m pregnant, it’s made me reflect even more on the type of environment I want for my own child. I want to be close with my daughter and provide stability — something I don’t feel I had.

Part of me feels relieved at the current distance, as I worry about her being overly involved or overstepping once the baby arrives. But another part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh by not reaching out.

She hasn’t contacted me in 3 months, and I haven’t contacted her either.

I suppose I’m asking:

• Would you leave things as they are?
• Would you reach out before the baby arrives?
• Or accept that sometimes distance from a parent is healthier?

Pregnancy has made me reflect a lot on my upbringing and I just want to create a calm, stable environment for my child.

Any perspective appreciated

You are not unreasonable, OP.

She has been cruel and is trying to punish you now even though you have committed no crime. She has been a shit mother to you and is now taking offence. Classic DARVO. People who have not had parents like this may not understand.

You could not be more wrong. All the behaviours are interconnected and are part of a larger very unhealthy picture.

Exactly. Everyone is their own main character. Baby will be his own main character too within a couple of years! You must have noticed this. Why did you message rather than speaking up? That would have pissed me off. But anyway, you didn't want what she was offering which is fair enough and she has stepped back. If you need support you don't get to specify the form it takes though but maybe you overestimated how invested she was in the baby as she has backed off without a fight.

She's using the silent treatment to see if that will get you to change your mind.

It's an abuse tactic.

When you set your boundaries with her, she resorted to abuse. She already has a history of physical, emotional, and financial abuse with you as well as parental abandonment.

That tells you she's not a safe person for you or your baby.

Don't contact her. Have the pregnancy and delivery experience you choose, not what she wants. She had her time, this is yours.

She sounds like she's got some narcissistic traits.

Read characteristics of Narcissistic mothers and see what resonates. You also might want to check out an ongoing thread on the Relationship board called But we took you to stately homes.

I completely agree with you. OP's mum was neglectful and abusive throughout OP's childhood but had the cheek to expect to be 'granny of the year' and to take over all the 'firsts' that should rightfully be OP's.

Some posters are responding as though OP's mum gave her a lovely childhood and OP is just being ungrateful.

Her mum is toxic and shouldn't be around OP or her baby.

OP's mum was the opposite of an engaged, loving mother to OP when she was a child so why should her mum get an opportunity for a 'do-over' with OP's child? She is lucky that OP still speaks to her, considering how she behaved during OP's childhood. Her mum flouncing off in a huff is a blessing.

She does not sound like suitable grandma material. Keep your boundaries

@Firstimemamma26 so the issue here is the underlying relationship with your Mum, and your pregnancy is just highlighting some of the cracks. You will get plenty of people tell you she is just excited, but the reality is that some Mum's aren't great people and when you fall pregnant it makes you reassess what your own childhood was like, and to work out what your level of tolerance is for poor behaviour. It doesn't really matter what the actual trigger is, whether it is buying new stuff or - in my case - being told I would be a hopeless parent and she would have to take over.

My advice is don't make any rash decisions one way or another right now. Concentrate on your new little family and revisit it all with a clear head. I found therapy helped. But there is also a great thread on here about Stately Homes which is full of women with similar experiences. Some of us manage to maintain some form of relationship, others don't. But you won't find judgement there.

All the best, how exciting for you and - in case you need to hear this - you got this, with or without your Mum.

Seriously wondering if some of these posters actually read the OP. Your mum sounds toxic and clearly remains so. You were abused and the abuse is continuing. Stay away and keep your DC away.

OP, I understand. I didn't experience it myself, but I do know a young couple who were "taken over" by her mum and sister. The baby was almost regarded as a "family baby" rather than their child. They didn't seem to have any say in anything.

I don't know what happened in the end, I changed jobs.

You laid down a reasonable boundary and your mum didn't like it.

She sounds like a complete Monster who lives vicariously thought other people lives. She is now trying to look like a doting, devoted grandmother.

Don't let her. I would cut her out completely. She needs to get her own life.

And you need to concentrate on your family and arrival of your new baby. They are the most important thing.

All the best

👍😻
X

Hi op it sounds like she wants to be involved with the baby but not you. I would leave her to stew tbh she hasn’t been a very good mum to you and now she’s acting like a spoiled brat just make it about you and your dp and if she does reach out tell her straight you have boundaries and she can like them or lump them but with the relationship not being great I would enjoy the peace and quiet she can’t just decide to be the best grandma when she couldn’t even be a half decent mum. It’s up to her to do it all over again. Congratulations.

Yoiu sound hard work. She cant do right for doing wrong. First she was too involved and now shes too distant.
she hadn’t really acknowledged my partner and I becoming parents for the first time. FFS ger over yourself!

Wow.

The OP was ABANDONED, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY abused by this woman throughout her childhood.

FFS learn to read!

Probably messaged due to her mother’s behaviour during her childhood and teen years!

If one is asking for support, they can and should be clear and specify what that support is they are seeking so there is no confusion and both parties are on the same page. What her mum does not have to do is give her that support if she doesn’t desire which let’s be honest, the mother’s history of support is practically non-existent and more about taking than giving support.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all OP. Her reaction is all about control and needing to be the centre of everything even when it’s about you not her.
I would put good money on her having a lot of narcissistic tendencies from what you’ve described about your childhood. This is from my own experience of a narcissist mother. Like pp I have kept contact going to allow my kids to have a grandparent relationship but she couldn’t be less bothered about me, I’m irrelevant as their mum. I think this is what you’re trying to describe here.

it is clear from the divided responses which posters had abusive parents and which ones didn’t!

She sounds as is she is a classic narcissist! Have a look at that, Also go to Reddit - there is a special sub-Reddit for this.
Cut the amount of info you give her to the minimum. It[s your and your partner[s child, not hers!

I think shes over stepping I would leave it now and let her make the first move if she doesn’t then when the baby is born I would let her know and suggests she comes and meets the baby but on your terms

First post as usual sums it up perfectly.

She got over excited. You have a weird focus on being acknowledge as the parents by her - she knows that she just really excited about being a granny.

You could have gently inforced your boundaries when time came rather than a cold message basically telling her to bugger off as the undertone.

A face to face chat would have been more appropriate

Bot sure why you included all the things you basically hold against her.

My mum wasn’t half as bad as the OPs but there’s no way in hell I could just ‘have a word’ with her about something. And even if i did feel brave enough to try it would trigger an almighty tantrum (similar to what the OPs DM is doing now I imagine!)

Some posters here obviously cannot comprehend what having an emotionally immature/narc/bpd parent is like.

OP hold your boundary firm. You are not being unreasonable.

A friend of mine has this - difficult relationship with her mum who has turned out to be an excellent grandmother. I think there is a lot in this.

You enforced a boundary and she ran away. I think that tells you you needed to do it.

You were and are still right to have boundaries.
Tou understand this person more than anyone else and if you guy is telling you that this is not right then go with that.

This is not her second go at being a parent , it’s a second go to belittle you and put you in what she thinks is you place, all decided by her.

Never have her do childcare because not only will she ignore your wishes about food, dangerous situations, and who is around your child, she will also see them as an opportunity to use them against you.
Narcissits will make you feel like you are wrong to have boundaries but once you stick to them, it’s empowering
I would all put on you midwife notes about who you will allow at the hospital so that you won’t have to think about this .

Congratulations on your little one, you will be a great mum if you are already thinking about this.

Based on the list of things you described she did to you as a child I wouldn't let her within 50 feet of my children.

I think it’s normal to be excited about being a grandma although I don’t agree with buying important stuff without discussing what you want. All this stuff is expensive first time round so most times it’s very welcome. But having then read about your experiences with her growing up I can see why you’d want to keep your distance.