Help me increase my social battery or at least find what is wrong with me!

[Drats]

Please help me. I imagine this will need to land with someone that has experienced similar ‘symptoms’ and has come to a conclusion as to what is wrong with them. If not, please tell me how you have increased your social battery because I am
struggling and I’m worried it’s going to affect my work and relationships.

I basically really struggle to spend time
with anyone for more than a few (maybe 3-4) hours before I start to feel really tetchy. I start to think about all the stuff that needs to be done (these are genuine things by the way, not things I’m making up in my head or that could be done another time, if I don’t do them soon then they will be left and that causes me more work another day), I get really frustrated when the person is maybe not leaving at a time I think would be polite or if they’re talking about something at length that I think doesn’t need as much explanation as they’re giving because in my head I could be doing x, y and z but instead I’m giving all my time to this person / situation. I really struggle when my routine is altered even if I’ve agreed to it. So, in my head I can give up my routine because someone I love wants to see me - great. Except, if that then turns into a very long time together I start to feel really resentful. And telling these people that would really hurt them so I can’t do that and it must be normal to other people just not me. I end up with this weird manic feeling that I struggle to describe, so today my time was taken up (way more than I had planned) I felt more and more agitated as the day went on, I couldn’t focus and I was really snappy with my young child even after the issue had resolved (I think because my child was asking me questions over and over which I could normally deal with if my routine hasn’t been changed). I can recognise why I’m like that but can’t seem to stop it. I feel this way when I’ve worked and have to come home and there’s someone in my house that isn’t usually there, I find it really difficult to give any of me to them until I know I have tidied the shoes away, made packed lunches for the next day and even then I’m thinking about making dinner etc. I should be able to handle this better I know. Am I broken? Neuro diverse? Not a very nice person? The only thing that stops the feelings is some quiet, reading an article on my phone and knowing everything I need to do is done. I don’t want to be thinking negatively if people in my head but I can’t help but think things like ‘don’t they realise I’ve got this that and the other to do?’ I do think part of it is mental load, without giving too much away mine is sizeable but there’s no one else to give it to and no way to reduce it.

I’m almost 50, if you recognise any of this please help me to manage these emotions by giving me tips that have helped you.

Sounds like you are busy, running on empty, and starting to resent any extra demands made on your time.
In case this reassures you, I think most people would find 3-4 hours of 1-1 time with another human to be too long. At the 2 hour mark, I would also start getting on with stuff that needs to be done, and turn my focus away from any deep conversation to get practical again. Or just sit quietly reading together. 3-4 hours of active presence is crazy lots. I can't manage that with my own children let alone someone outside the routine

Have you considered neurodiversity?…

Yes, I think you’re neuro diverse. Have you got any noise cancelling headphones? I have some that I put on at home, and just have them on noise cancelling (with no music or anything, just silence), and it really helps keep me calm, especially if there has been a lot of noise or stuff going on. I also now know my limits more, and try not to over-commit myself. (I need regular downtime by myself, in my own space, the I am much more able to cope with things). Talk to the people you are close to, get them to understand that sometimes when you come home you need some downtime by yourself (to decompress) before you can engage in social terms.

I’d also check for sleep problems (that can leave you with less tolerance for things), perimenopause? B12 deficiency (common as we get older and can impact lots about how we cope with stressors)…

There is nothing wrong with you.

could you be neurodiverse? Maybe.

are you overworked? Probably.
do you need time to yourself? Absolutely.

you need to accept that you get tired with long visits. Plan your visits with friends and family in a way that there is a natural and obvious end point.

Instead of an open-ended visit to your home, meet them for lunch somewhere. Schedule an outing to a park with a picnic from 1-4 and when you make the plans tell them you have somewhere to be afterwards, even if the somewhere to be is your couch in your pajamas.

This is what you need right now. It doesn’t make you wrong or broken. Just work with it.

Perhaps you have got to an age where you find less wonder in people and can sense their neediness. I try to find one thing a person has brought to the conversation and find something positive in that. I also aim to give them positive energy too in every interaction where possible. Although you come to realise there are a lot of self centred people nowadays, there are also a few good eggs around too

Oh. I thought I was being completely unreasonable. Why don’t they feel like that then after the same amount of time? I’m so confused!

You sound worn down so no wonder your social battery is drained

Yes just about 10 minutes ago. I have an autistic child and I’m wondering now. I’m sort of doing okay at life, I would never have considered it before because I haven’t had any ‘problems’ until the last year or so but that’s probably a bit of an old fashioned view tbh I do know that.

thats my neuro diverse husband.. finds socialising painful.. gets burned out after 2 hours needs time alone to recover.. but he’s happy for me to socialise, which I do.. and it’s nice he’s a calm rest when I get back..

Why do you need to spend more time with people?

Thank you. How would you tell someone that you love dearly and know will be offended that you struggle to spend that many hours with them or someone at work that you just can’t possibly talk about something any more without a small break? I left my last job partly because there was nowhere to go at lunch time to be silent and I was completely over stimulated.

You just sound busy and frazzled.

But also 3-4 hours is quite a long time for a social thing IMO, when you've got plenty going on.

I don’t want to say unless they see it but it’s people that I love and definitely do want to spend time with.

Some people get energy from being around other people. Others (like me, and you by the sound of it) find that being with people, even if you like them, uses up energy. I have no idea how to politely show the door to the former type of people (I struggle with this lots), but you are not unreasoble to feel the way you do!

But just make it clear in advance they can’t stay for more than an hour!

Were you always like this? I was super sociable as a young woman! I used to get over excited and talk too much and would be described as the life and soul but then I would feel sick and have a headache so I started pulling back and now I’m the complete opposite!!

Sounds like you're anxious.

Be careful what you wish for though, with wanting people to go away and be left alone with your phone.

Who are these people needing more than 3-4 hours of your time in one sitting? And who are these people sitting uninvited in your house when you get home?

You could be neuro diverse, sounds like you have some of the characteristics. But you could just as easily not be and just be tired and super busy.

I'm in my early 30s and I could think of very few people I would willingly want to spend that much time with.

Oh god I couldn’t, I will maybe work on some time limits in a more subtle way though 😂

I'm exactly the same OP.
Whenever I arrange to see family/friends it feels like a good idea at the time but with an hour or 2 I'm done.
I then need to be alone for a while, which isnt easy with 2 kids. I do find myself snappy if they are then being demanding.
I certainly couldn't meet someone for a few hours & then go straight into another social engagement! My idea of hell.
The rare times I get the house to myself I treasure & theres no way I'm going out to socialise or even take phone calls.
It works for me to make the effort to carve out my alone time & have firm boundaries with it. I also try to arrange things, like lunch out or at their house so I can leave.
I do not like visitors at my home cos they dont bugger off when I want them too & I dont want to hurt their feelings because I do love them.

I have considered anxiety. I think that could be the case. I absolutely hear you about being careful what I wish for. I try really hard to hide how I feel, I feel like I’ve taken a drug (think cocaine) and I’m trying to act normal, it’s hard to describe but I certainly don’t intend to tell them. I know it’s my issue.

I don’t want to say but very close family, I think I need to find a way to switch off a bit whilst spending time with them really.

Oh, you are literally describing me. I feel so seen haha. I think that’s going to be the key, meeting people in places that I can leave but it seems such a shame because I want to be the type of person that welcomes people. But goodness me not for 4+ hours .

My dc (teens) have had open discussions with me about how when then get in from somewhere they just have to disappear into their room for a bit, before they can come back down and talk. Which is fine! If it is causing issues with work, and with people that you are close to (but not immediate family), then maybe you should consider getting a formal diagnosis, so that your workplace can understand whatever accommodations you might need. And to those who would be offended, you can either tell them the news of your diagnosis, and just say to them that you cope better with shorter social engagements, or just engineer more contained meet-ups (not at your house, or of at your house with a definite end point as you have ‘another commitment’ afterwards)…

I don't have any tips but just wanted to say that I'm exactly the same. I haven't always felt this way, in fact I used to love socialising, the longer the time with friends the better! Somewhere along the way that changed and my priorities now lie in having an organised, drama free and peaceful life. If i get caught up chatting to someone and that makes me later than I intended to be I get in a right strop with myself!
I've considered subtle depression, hormone changes, neuro diversity, society changes post covid and the fact that being single after years of poor relationships has made me protective over myself and selfish and come to the conclusion that whatever the reason that's who I am now and I'm ok with that.
Will be interested to hear other responses but if nothing else there's one other broken/not very nice person here too!!