Help me increase my social battery or at least find what is wrong with me!

[Drats]

Please help me. I imagine this will need to land with someone that has experienced similar ‘symptoms’ and has come to a conclusion as to what is wrong with them. If not, please tell me how you have increased your social battery because I am
struggling and I’m worried it’s going to affect my work and relationships.

I basically really struggle to spend time
with anyone for more than a few (maybe 3-4) hours before I start to feel really tetchy. I start to think about all the stuff that needs to be done (these are genuine things by the way, not things I’m making up in my head or that could be done another time, if I don’t do them soon then they will be left and that causes me more work another day), I get really frustrated when the person is maybe not leaving at a time I think would be polite or if they’re talking about something at length that I think doesn’t need as much explanation as they’re giving because in my head I could be doing x, y and z but instead I’m giving all my time to this person / situation. I really struggle when my routine is altered even if I’ve agreed to it. So, in my head I can give up my routine because someone I love wants to see me - great. Except, if that then turns into a very long time together I start to feel really resentful. And telling these people that would really hurt them so I can’t do that and it must be normal to other people just not me. I end up with this weird manic feeling that I struggle to describe, so today my time was taken up (way more than I had planned) I felt more and more agitated as the day went on, I couldn’t focus and I was really snappy with my young child even after the issue had resolved (I think because my child was asking me questions over and over which I could normally deal with if my routine hasn’t been changed). I can recognise why I’m like that but can’t seem to stop it. I feel this way when I’ve worked and have to come home and there’s someone in my house that isn’t usually there, I find it really difficult to give any of me to them until I know I have tidied the shoes away, made packed lunches for the next day and even then I’m thinking about making dinner etc. I should be able to handle this better I know. Am I broken? Neuro diverse? Not a very nice person? The only thing that stops the feelings is some quiet, reading an article on my phone and knowing everything I need to do is done. I don’t want to be thinking negatively if people in my head but I can’t help but think things like ‘don’t they realise I’ve got this that and the other to do?’ I do think part of it is mental load, without giving too much away mine is sizeable but there’s no one else to give it to and no way to reduce it.

I’m almost 50, if you recognise any of this please help me to manage these emotions by giving me tips that have helped you.

Did you see my reply to someone else? I was the most sociable person in my 20’s and early 30’s! My OH always jokes about how everyone liked me etc but it was just because I liked talking and listening and was interested in others. I still am but for 15 minutes at a time 😂 and after I’ve tidied up, worked out and prepped dinner haha.

Well, there’s your issue. I would have no issue setting a time limit for someone. Just say you have things to do/have a lot on at work/need an early night, when you issue the invitation. Nor would I be insulted if someone said they needed to head out at three, or would be having an early night if I’d come for dinner.

Would you say that to your parents / sibling / adult child? Or would you consider them exempt because it should be easier to spend lots of time with them and not feel overstimulated? Trying to understand if this is all completely my issue or if there’s an element of people not being considerate without saying too much.

Absolutely. I do say it. I had two of my siblings round for dinner last night, and the arrangement was they’d come early (immediately after work, as both work close by), we’d eat early, and they’d leave early. Ditto if my parents are coming. I’ll say to come for lunch, but that I had plans for late afternoon. Everyone prefers to know what timings suit all involved.

Okay thanks for that.

I think it’s not black and white - you are probably over-committed on a lot of fronts, so can’t cope with the effort of a long time socialising with people - however, if you spaced things out, made sure you had quieter days (with nothing going on) in between times, then maybe you could cope a bit better. I realised in my early -mid 30s that I couldn’t cope with being out of the house with my small children for more than one day in a row. I had to intersperse them with a quieter day pottering about at home. And I am still the same, i need some slow days to cope with the full-on ones. For me it is very much needing a day or two pottering about quietly at home, otherwise I start to feel very ‘strung out’…

The other thing I have noticed as I have aged is that food helps - if I am hungry I can’t cope with stuff (I get very overwhelmed and stressed), but if I can eat something, then o calm down very quickly. Maybe you could try snacking slow release healthy snacks? Also consider HRT if appropriate, and get plenty of B12.

I don’t think there are any ‘shoulds’. If I don’t want to spend four hours with someone, however much I love them, I won’t.

Odd thing is, I used to be quite social when I was younger! Like my 20s, I was out every bloody weekend!
Im approaching 40 now & couldn't think of anything worse. Also, not keen on evening socialising. Much prefer daytime so I can be home by dark lol
I'm not sure why really that I've had such a change. Sometimes when I'm alone in bed reading at 9pm on a Saturday night I feel i 'should be' out. But truth is I'm perfectly happy & content where I am.

Taking ND out of it for a minute (not discounting it, just putting it to one side) it sounds like you are an introvert. Introverts can absolutely socialise, even be the life and soul, but it drains the battery and leaves them exhausted. Extroverts get energy from socialising. It's perfectly fine for you to plan your time around socialising for a set amount of time, and then planning in time to recouperate afterwards.

Hi Op,
solidarity and no judgement here. A lot of what you said describes me.
I was the most sociable person when I was young; I’m not particularly close to my family so always had a lot of friends and bent over backwards to accommodate them.
Im time poor, and at 41 I now get really frustrated seeing friends as I think my time could be better used.
I have OCD and I think a bit of ADHD.

My strategy is to not see people I don’t enjoy seeing anymore.
Sounds harsh, but why not? This is your life and yours alone, spend time doing things that you feel are important and trim your social circle if necessary. You sound burnt out and a people pleaser (I don’t mean to be offensive , I am the same).

Don’t be afraid to say no to people. No is an answer.
You don’t need to respond to texts straight away.
If someone is talking to you and you need to leave you can say ‘sorry, I need to leave’ and do it.

Put yourself first and things may improve for you x

Autism - probably. Especially as you say your DC is autistic. If a child has autism, usually at least one of tbe parents is autistic.

i didn’t think I had any problems either, but when I delved into everything with some psyschologists (who diagnosed me with autism) and a psychiatrist (who diagnosed me with ADHD), jt turned out J did have a lot of problems but I was good at hiding or circumventing them.

I don't think you are the issue here. Even if you were found to be neurodiverse or anxious... you should get to be 100% comfortable in your own house.

I would probably start mentioning in advance "Oh I'm so busy today with the kids, I can't chat long" or pretend you need to pop back out at a certain time til they start getting the picture that 1-2 hrs is enough.

I feel like this even if I don’t have much on 🤣
I have a strong suspicion that you could be perimenopausal.

It sounds like you're just introverted. It doesn't make you a horrible person to need alone time, there's nothing wrong with that. 💐

I think if they're very close family and it's genuinely the jobs that are causing the issue, I'd just do the jobs while they were there? If I go over to my parents or vice versa then there's washing going out, dishwasher being emptied etc etc etc. Mum and I in particular are constantly wandering round the house either with the other person chatting while we get through things or both helping out if it's stuff like folding clean washing.

"Hey, it's lovely to see you. I'm afraid I've got loads of bits to get done this afternoon so I'm just going to <insert small job here > while we chat."

"Ooh gosh it's been so lovely to see you. I'm afraid I need to make dinner at 6:30 so I'll have to evict you then."

Given you haven't always been like this and were very socialable in younger (and presumably less responsibility laden) days, I'd tend to think burnout rather than ND. It sounds like you're time constrained and don't get enough time time alone, so socialising after a certain point feels like a chore or an annoyance.

I'm an ambivert and need a balance and social and decompressing time.

I agree with this. The only thing “wrong/broken” with you is your boundaries.

3-4 hours is a long time to spend with someone, especially when you have a lot of other things going on. Practice putting limits in place as pp have suggested.

OP I spend all day talking through peoples ailments disabilities and and assessing people for equipment. I love it during work hours and while I'm on it I am genuinely engaged and interested. However when I get home and in my personal life people constantly think I'm available for listening about all there problems supporting with filling out appeals forms for disability benefits etc. My tolerance for such things out or work is nil. When someone rocks up with a health related issue I just retreat. I think you sound very normal:) Menopause takes away all the veneer :)

I think this is pretty normal tbh and while it may be neurodiversity it may just be that you need more alone time. I am busy and in touch with people every minute of every day and although I am a fairly sociable person I crave alone time.

It sounds as if you have difficulty expressing this to others and possibly are a bit of a people pleaser? I think needy people can sense when others have poor boundaries and take advantage of it.

You possibly just need to practice saying to people that you love hanging out with them but you need alone time? And just see what happens. People will usually respect you if you are more direct.

Menopause?

What would happen if told your family you need a break? It sounds like it's hard for you to tell them what you need, and there is nothing wrong with needing rest. After 4 hours if socialising I'd have enough too.

I have been like this for a long time. In my 40s and I find it's how I feel all the time. I rarely want to see anyone but immediate family at home. I feel home is my sanctuary. And I just need to be left in peace. I find others draining. I love listening to audiobooks, reading paper books, riding my bike, walking and time to crochet. Also gardening at this time of year.

Interesting to hear people suggesting peri/meno.
I think i may be starting this (horrendous night sweats, missed periods)
My attitude towards things have definitely taken a massive shift.
I have however, given up drinking in the last 2 years (it was becoming an issue) so I put it down to that.

I identify with a high amount of what you say. Im autistic.

I'm very similar and for me, I think it actually comes from a sort of hypervigilance shaped by childhood experience combined with high sensitivity. I think the latter is the greater factor because I observe the same with my 5yo - he enjoys playdates and preschool but he needs a lot of wind down time afterwards doing quiet, solo activities like drawing or listening to audio books. He can't really manage a playdate after school. I don't think it's weird, I think it's just down to how you process things. I know I take in every detail of people's body language and facial expressions, I'm reading between the lines of every conversation and I tend to only enjoy deeper conversations, small talk is very draining for me even if I love the person. I tend to see people outside my home unless I know they will leave of their own accord after max 2 hours! If you don't recognise yourself in any descriptions of other forms of neurodivergence like autism or adhd, maybe look up high sensitivity (HSP). There are some good resources out there with strategies to protect your energy.

For those of you that understand this - how do you handle having to visit and stay with your in laws for a couple of nights? How do you manage all the time stretching on? Especially if you have DC so cannot just disappear without being seen as rude.