Help me increase my social battery or at least find what is wrong with me!

[Drats]

Please help me. I imagine this will need to land with someone that has experienced similar ‘symptoms’ and has come to a conclusion as to what is wrong with them. If not, please tell me how you have increased your social battery because I am
struggling and I’m worried it’s going to affect my work and relationships.

I basically really struggle to spend time
with anyone for more than a few (maybe 3-4) hours before I start to feel really tetchy. I start to think about all the stuff that needs to be done (these are genuine things by the way, not things I’m making up in my head or that could be done another time, if I don’t do them soon then they will be left and that causes me more work another day), I get really frustrated when the person is maybe not leaving at a time I think would be polite or if they’re talking about something at length that I think doesn’t need as much explanation as they’re giving because in my head I could be doing x, y and z but instead I’m giving all my time to this person / situation. I really struggle when my routine is altered even if I’ve agreed to it. So, in my head I can give up my routine because someone I love wants to see me - great. Except, if that then turns into a very long time together I start to feel really resentful. And telling these people that would really hurt them so I can’t do that and it must be normal to other people just not me. I end up with this weird manic feeling that I struggle to describe, so today my time was taken up (way more than I had planned) I felt more and more agitated as the day went on, I couldn’t focus and I was really snappy with my young child even after the issue had resolved (I think because my child was asking me questions over and over which I could normally deal with if my routine hasn’t been changed). I can recognise why I’m like that but can’t seem to stop it. I feel this way when I’ve worked and have to come home and there’s someone in my house that isn’t usually there, I find it really difficult to give any of me to them until I know I have tidied the shoes away, made packed lunches for the next day and even then I’m thinking about making dinner etc. I should be able to handle this better I know. Am I broken? Neuro diverse? Not a very nice person? The only thing that stops the feelings is some quiet, reading an article on my phone and knowing everything I need to do is done. I don’t want to be thinking negatively if people in my head but I can’t help but think things like ‘don’t they realise I’ve got this that and the other to do?’ I do think part of it is mental load, without giving too much away mine is sizeable but there’s no one else to give it to and no way to reduce it.

I’m almost 50, if you recognise any of this please help me to manage these emotions by giving me tips that have helped you.

I'm autistic with ADHD, and I'm exactly the same. Menopause starting exacerbated this, as periods of hormonal change can have a big impact on neurodivergence. There's nothing wrong with you, you just have less of a social battery than you used to.

I arrange with my DH for him to do most of the socialising so I can have time "off" to get a breakz or I take the kids out to a playground or something.

My guess is autistic. Runs in families.

Any sensory issues other than sensory overload with noise?

Some people are capable of hanging out chatting for several hours without a break. I am not one of these people. I don't think you're particularly unusual, OP, and there's certainly nothing wrong with you.

If these are close family, it would be worth you thinking why you feel you can't be honest with them. Why can't you say you're tired, or need to hang out the laundry now? Would they be offended? If so, it sounds like they're quite unreasonable. But lots of people do respond fine to this sort of boundary.

I'm quite similar, op. There are vanishingly few people I could spend 3-4 hours with. Very occasionally I find someone who energises me, but like you, if I have a big mental load then my patience disappears more quickly. I suspect I'm nd and have masked in social situations for most of my life. My dc are both diagnosed nd and I can see a lot of myself in my dd (autistic). I always just thought i was an introvert, or that everyone feels this way.

The only way to manage it really is to build in plenty of 'quiet time' - like a sensory diet. Find things that give you mental energy and make sure you find times in your day for those. Find the things that drain you and plan in time before and after those things for a break. You might need to force yourself if you're constantly thinking "but while I'm doing this, x is not getting done". And start telling people honestly how you feel - you've a lot going on and love seeing loved ones, but you also need to factor in frequent downtime - which means that you find long, spontaneous visits exhausting. Frame it as a nervous system reset, to avoid getting bogged down by chronic stress.

To be honest OP, it doesn't sound like there's anything wring with you and you might be neurodiverse, or you might just be strongly introverted (like me) and have your battery very drained by spending too much time around others with not enough time for you to be alone and recharge.

I am exactly the same way as you, and luckily my partner is too (although he does have energy issues due to ADHD) and we just let each other know when we need space and then we each ensure the other one gets what they need.

I love spending time with people who are important to me, but there's still a time limit on it! It's just how it is for me. I can spend more time with my partner than anyone else in the world, but I still don't know if I'd cope with living together as how would I have enough personal space?!

Tbh I read this and I totally get it. I think the suggestion to meet people on your own terms is a really good one, you can then wrap it up alot more easily than if they are in your house. One of my friends always sets a time on social gatherings at her house, e.g. 6 to 9pm as I have work tomorrow and need to get organised type thing.
I find 2 hours perfect amount of time with someone, more than that I start getting really tired . I think it's just being clear about what you can tolerate and acknowledging that to yourself.

You could be ND, you could just be an introvert, menopause might be a factor in why you’re less able to tolerate things.

lots of good advice here about setting boundaries, coping at home etc.
noise cancelling headphones really are your best friend.

you sound similar to me, coping but finding it a struggle much of the time even though you want to engage with people.

I also have an autistic child (now adult) and started to wonder about myself when he was about 5 and finally got a formal diagnosis a few years ago. That hasn’t made any real difference other than to allow me to feel ok about doing what I’ve done for years such as plan in downtime, always have the most expensive noise cancelling headphones I can afford and telling small lies about leaving because I have to be somewhere next (when I was younger I’d cite a headache), pretending to have hearing issues so I point my ear to their face rather than look at their face, and so on. There’s a myriad of stuff I have used to get by. Out of interest, do you have any autoimmune conditions? That does seem to be an added legacy for ND women who’ve been running emulators (called masking nowadays) all their lives.

in a nutshell, start working out your boundaries and give yourself what you need whenever you can (obviously you can’t always with kids). And noise cancelling headphones. Mine are in now as my husband is downstairs talking to people working in our home.

it isn’t always ND, you might just have finally run out of fucks to give. Embrace the cronehood!

As a side note, my son needs down time between events. He struggles to go from say school straight to an event as he needs a break in between, even if it's just 20 minutes. It's always been the case and he's now in six form. I totally get it and always try and factor that in, or warn him. At social events, he will be really chatty and slope off for breaks which is more acceptable as a teenager than an adult! My other son can hang out with friends for days no bother.
I'd feel twitchy with 4 hours chat when I had stuff to do and would probably just crack on with it.

I feel very similar to you. I think it’s a combination having a lot on your plate, people pleasing, introversion and burn out.

I struggle to let my jobs go undone in favour of socialising beyond a certain point as I know I’ll have twice as much to do later and I’m barely keeping on top of everything as I am.

When you have a very busy family life meeting friends takes time away from what may have been a quiet moment for you. I crave silence, solitude, alone time - not to do anything nice for myself but invariably catching up on work/chores.

I love my friends but find I easier to meet out and about and will often suggest we meet in a local cafe about an hour and half before it shuts as I know that will be a natural end to our encounter. I am a good listener and am awful at stopping people when they’re full flow because I’m done, to the point I’m exhausted from being attentive. I hate answering the phone for this reason as I don’t want to be stuck for hours on it. I’ve had people in the past being a massive drain on my time and energy and I avoid those situations now.

This is a me problem- I’m useless at boundaries and then I get frustrated at myself. I find it hard to be direct and worry about offending people. I’m not autistic but definitely recognise masking as something that I feel like I’m regularly doing because my social battery has depleted hours before anyone else.

I have a job that means I’m talking to people all day. Then I come home and my family want all my attention. Combine that with a hefty mental load of other stuff and is it any wonder that a cup of tea in silence in a clean kitchen is my idea of heaven.

You don't actually know whether they will be offended or not. You just think they might be. This realisation was the most helpful thing for me. I now set much firmer boundaries.
The guy I am seeing asked if he could stay over, I said yes but I need you to get going at 8am.
A friend coming for lunch. Do come but I only have two hours so we'll need to wrap up by 3pm.
Meeting friends? After a few hours I simply get up and say "My social battery ran out, it's been lovely to see you all but I have to get going now. Let's do this again soon"
Life's been much simpler since I started doing that.

I’m just like that. Diagnosed late in life with ADHD and Autism.
There isn’t a way to increase my social battery and yes it does affect work and relationships.
But the diagnoses were liberating because I have told everyone and they now completely get it if I just abruptly have to go or hurry them out.

Hi @Drats

Following your thread with interest.

Lots of useful advice from PP already.

One thing that stood out to me is that you mention a lot of times is that you don't want to mention who the people are but they are close to you, and you dont want to offend them.

Understandable and commendable but have you considered that the extended visits etc are offending your nervous system and disregulating you?

Do you know it’s ok to look after your feelings as well as other people’s?

And perhaps they mean no malice at all - they just don't know that you’d prefer shorter visits / time to decompress when you first get in and /or their understanding that while you don’t mind them staying, you do have to get on with jobs.

I do think there is a way to communicate your needs to loved ones in a way that allows them to understand you better. And I am not talking about being rude - I am referring to gentle honesty.

I think it’s really important to clarify what you need and then communicate it nicely so everything can be more harmonious.

At the moment you are frazzled and they are possibly clueless which seems an unnecessary shame.

Getting a diagnosis may help you but I don't think the “why am I like this?” question will solve the whole issue. Even if you know why you are like this, then what?

The point is that you are like this, whatever “this” is, and you need to talk to the people around you about your needs. You seem to care about them a lot, and so I’d think they care for you too in return.

I don’t think this is particularly unusual OP, and I think you should try to stop feeling guilty about it- you are allowed to say ‘I’d love to catch up over coffee- I’m free from 10 until around 12’. And then around 12 say This has been lovely, I need to get some jobs done now, shall we do it again next week?’ You are allowed boundaries!

Could this potentially be perimenopause? I had similar feelings for a number of years swinging between agitation, anxiety over seemingly small things, and feelings of being completely overwhelmed at times. I also wondered about neurodiversity in terms of ADHD because my mind would not stay focused and I had constant racing thoughts of what needed to be done. In the end I addressed this with my GP who prescribed an SSRI which greatly helped with anxiety and I also started HRT and I have to say, I feel back to my old self after 5 to 6 years of feeling completely terrible. I know people have different opinions on medication but I thought at the time what do I have to lose, I could just try and then stop when I wanted. It’s just something to consider as I had no idea I was perimenopausal until I realised how much better I felt after starting the hrt. Only my experience but sometimes it’s good to explore all options xx

I'm similar to you OP and think I am neurodivergent. I'm fairly certain I'm autistic, possibly adhd but not so sure about that. My social battery runs low easily and I relate to a lot of what you said. If someone is here for a bit I can put on my face and enjoy it but then I've had enough and need quiet time. I like to just sit and watch tv or read a book. Even cooking in the kitchen on my own while listening to an audiobook or podcast is calming. I like my own space. I like things to he as they should be. I can't sit down and relax until I've tidied up for example.

I think being aware of it helps because I limit what I agree to do. Sometimes I just don't have people over if I don't want to or I say no to invitations or just leave early. People overstaying is difficult and I'd that hard as I feel rude telling people to go but I just get up and say I need to make dinner / clean / sort laundry etc.

I'm in my 40s.

I don't think this is a symptom of anything, it's completely normal. Don't overthink it. I'm not ND nor are most of my friends or family, but a normal meeting length for us would be 1-3 hours.

It's also completely normal to change the amount and type of socialising you do between ages 20 and 50.

I think as some others have said, some people are really energized by time with others (to be simplistic, let's call them extroverts). Then there are people from whom it sucks away energy to be engaging with others - or introverts. Introverts can be extremely sociable but at some point they need their space and to recharge.
It's not necessarily neurodiversity, just finding energy in different things.
As you get older you are also more time poor and if you have children there are constant demands on your attention. Which means that social engagements that used to feel manageable now feel like a chore on top, when you have less energy to give.
I think it's 100% normal. I would not dream of spending 4 hours in a row with someone, unless we had an activity planned like a hike, or looking after kids together

I feel exactly the same as you. I’ve been know to put a wash on etc while people are over. I would not consider myself neuro diverse. Just an introvert with a busy social life and a big mental load at home. Friends would call me an extrovert. But I can’t find the energy to socialise unless I balance it with lots of down time. I’m a person who enjoys lots of time alone.

edited to add more context

I have tons of free time and I still feel like this. But my kids have autism and adhd so assume probably why I am like this.