Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

Work trips are for workduring the day. Who the employees sleep next to at night has absolutely nothing to do with work.

Well, no, why would it? But a handful of PPs are incredibly committed to the idea of spouses as intrusive, demanding killjoys - and of colleagues, by contrast, as lovingly compassionate, stimulating company. The two must never meet.

I daren't think why!

I definitely don’t interact with my husband like that?!
A more common occurrence is him back in hotel room messaging me saying where are you.
He shares his itinerary. I crack on and do what I fancy. If he has free time we spend it together. If plans change and he gets invited to something so be it.
I’m used to travelling and very happy with my own company.
In OP’s case if there had been some work emergency and he couldn’t meet her at pub for dinner then I’m sure she would have managed to get her own meal. Start time suddenly shifts to 7am, she can have a lie in and breakfast on her own. It’s not rocket science.

In these terms, why wouldn't it be?

You seem to be assuming that people who make sure they are prepped for work, do their jobs properly and support their spouses in doing their jobs, will suddenly change tack and undermine their careers because they aren't in their own home.

Which is just bizarre.

It has something to do with it if the company has literally paid for the bed for that night though. I mean, maybe if the OP and her husband paid for the hotel room themselves then sure, it would be nobody’s business but theirs.

OMG of course it does or companies wouldn’t have rules about such things - which the company in the OP has decided to impose.

My spouse has only ever tagged along with me once in my career to date of plenty of trips at home and abroad because I was 8 months pregnant. It was with the client paying for the trip’s permission.

I enjoying the time with colleagues in the evening as most work remotely these days it’s a nice chance to catch up and socialise. I don’t want be going off with my spouse to a pub just the two of us.

Maybe I’m weird like that.

If it was just me and Creepy John I’d fake a headache and order room service.

It's very similar, yes. You are doing your job, just in a different location. There is no reason your priorities need to drastically change or that you suddenly need to start "pandering" to when your spouse wants to have breakfast.

No it isn't. The courts have been clear that employees have a right to a private life and companies can't dictate who they do or don't sleep with unless there is a conflict of interest or similar risk to the employee's integrity at work.

Because if an employee does it then the company has some recourse? How are people not understanding this? The company has a duty of care towards their employee and the employee has expected standards of behaviour dictated by their company. There is a contract between employee and employer that does not extend to spouses.

Okay you’re taking this to ridiculous levels so I’m out.

Companies' right to make rules about such things is severely limited by the courts. They can't stop you from sleeping with someone unless it creates a conflict of interest. They certainly can't stop you from sleeping with your spouse.

Well then that’ll be good news for OP, who can resume tagging along with the other wives despite the new rule.

Work trips are for work, anything else should use one’s annual leave. And it’s not misogynistic to say any of what I said - that poster claimed she wanted to tick things off her bucket list, making it clear it wouldn’t have happened without tagging along on her spouse’s work trip.

I am asking how the company can be liable for the spouse, not the employee. if the employee does something illegal the company might be liable. But if the spouse does, how would the company be liable unless the employee did it too (which, obviously, they can do without their spouse there)?

Well surely if they refuse to do the work required by their company they will then be managed our accordingly? An employee shouldn’t need the sweetener of hanging out with their spouse to do their job. Am I in the twilight zone or something?

Pointing out the law is "ridiculous"? Bowing out is a good idea. Probably best if you don't get involved in any discussions if you think pointing out legal limits to what people can do is problematic.

Agree with this. It’s just not realistic. This is a business handling things badly and pinning the blame on someone else.
I just can’t imagine anyone professional actually saying this (even if they thought it).
It is so wierd.

Okay, I’m going to simplify it for you: let’s say you book an Airbnb with your card and under your name. You then invite me along. I get off my face and proceed to smash up the place. Who will be liable for the damage? Me? Or you: the person who paid and entered into a contract with Airbnb? Now expand that out to any other type of criminal/destructive behaviour. The employee has a contract with the employer, the employer has a contract with the travel provider. The travel provider has a contract with the hotel/airline etc.

The work trip is for work. That's what OP's DH is doing while he's there.

Why this insistence that it is somehow wrong to make the best of a bad situation?

I’m not the one fixated on who people sleep with - that’s what I was referring to in terms of ridiculousness. And what “courts” are you talking about? What law are you referencing?

You would go ‘Ballistic’….?
At who exactly? The company? Your husband?
okayyyyyy 🤦‍♀️

Some people like socialising with their colleagues. Some prefer socialising with their spouses. That's not the point.

The argument is whether what employees do in their free time is up to them and if it's right to complain to HR because a colleague hasn't invited you to join them for dinner.

What’s the bad situation? Going on a work trip?

God no wonder productivity is so low: the horror of having to do a bit of work!

Depends on employment contract. But lots of companies rely on staff goodwill.
Say contract is 10 overnight audits a year but in practice the two older men have been happily doing more and picking up slack in emergencies if a colleague has a sick child etc. They aren’t doing anything wrong by now sticking to their contract.
Or travelling evenings and weekends. 50s chap may happily have travelled Sunday and stayed Sunday night as that client preferred an 8am Monday start. It suited company and him as wife could tag along. Now he says no can do to Sunday I’ll travel Monday and can’t do 8am start etc.
If they are experienced long serving staff they can’t be sacked for working to rule. I’ve seen some pushbacks in my time.
Employer then moans about lack of swings and roundabouts.

💯 this.