Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

And has been apologetic about it. There was no issue until some fuckwit someone complained.

It’s a work trip not a mini break with family. Any professional should be able to cope with a couple of hours in the evening with Colin from Accounts. Sound like the colleague felt excluded from cliquey evening plans, and that’s unprofessional.

They’re still doing it though, because they are nt willing to carry the risk.

And we know nothing about this woman, or the job, or the context. Maybe the two lads are great workers & great colleagues, or maybe they’re not and bringing the wives along is the icing on the cake.

I disagree. There is an impact because the employee is going to be pandering to the spouse’s wants and needs and not giving the job and company their full attention - which is paying their expenses and time.

I can't speak for everyone but I'm self-employed and work100% from my laptop, so I can do so from wherever. DH travels a lot so I tend to join him if he's in a nice touristy place.

I don’t think this is the case. I think the complaint brought something to the attention of management that they were unaware of or, alternatively, so used to they hadn’t consciously thought about how odd and unprofessional it was, and they woke up to a situation that was laughable and decided to put a specific policy in place to ensure their employees aren’t regarding work trips as some kind of spousal social gang.

You'd prefer to catch up with colleagues over having a relaxed dinner with your spouse?

What? Spouses live together year round. Why would an employee be "pandering" to their spouse in a hotel room but not pandering to them in their shared home? No one gives their job their full attention if by that you mean 24-7 365 days a year. They go home and relax at some point, whether on a work trip or not.

The only real insight I've gained from all 608 posts so far is just how many people don't like their partners!

Pandering is one of my least favourite words in the English language. It certainly doesn’t apply to someone who’d rather spend their free time at a work event with their spouse. We have friends who work for Big Four companies and they pay for spouses to accompany their employees and arrange day time activities for them.

Because it’s not going home. Everyone is in another place. If you are doing an audit you are there to do the audit, which is quite a consuming task on what is usually a short intense trip where in my experience people prioritise the task in hand, and/or the client. Having a spouse waiting to go to dinner changes the dynamic.

Context is also important. The Op goes on all of these trips so much so that her & other wives have built a social life around it. Someone who doesn’t work for the company talking about contributing positively to the company is concerning from a HR perspective.

Going on a longer trip, or a trip every now and again is different.

Totally normal in my workplace to bring someone on a trip, it's very the-more-the-merrier - not just husbands and wives, some people bring a friend. It wouldn't be appropriate for a closed company event of course, but nice European cities are not private venues! It's not a small company either, it's somewhere that most people reading this would have heard of.

I'm surprised some on here think it's unprofessional - I don't see why, when we still spend the trip working. Usually we have dinner as a big group in the evening, occasionally someone will opt to do their own thing. It doesn't cost the office anything as double rooms are booked anyway and the non-employees pay for everything else themselves. It's not as if they tag along to the conference with us!

@CautiousLurker2 and @AtomicWedgie you both sound in a very similar place to me. As long as his employer is ok with it absolutely go for it. I’m empty nester with dc at uni and am really enjoying this phase of our lives, also a longstanding marriage over 30 years.
I have a full time career (wfh and generous leave plus opportunity to buy leave) and hobbies and volunteer role too.
It’s obviously sector and role dependent but very much norm in his situation to have a tag along. At conferences lots will have a spouse or partner with them, mix of men and women accompanying it’s not Stepford wives. Work time is work time. I don’t impose. If he needs to be at breakfast meetings or work dinners I’ll sort myself but on longer trips they do get downtime or a dinner that has plus 1 tickets.
I sightsee alone or join organised tours, I like get your guide.
We are scrupulously careful with expenses it’s not difficult.

OP’s work jollies lifestyle has been ended. That’s the nub of this.

A conference & carrying out an audit aren’t the same thing though.

People saying things like they’d be staring at the walls when their husband is away, that the contribute positively to the company by socialising on their husband’s trips to carry out audits and their husbands need them to de-stress on a short business trip is very Mad Men in 2026.

Being invited to attend a conference with a spouse isn’t the same as an audit or similar.

I don’t see how the dh has pandered to his wife.
It sounds like he went to client office. Did job.
At end of day went with two colleagues to check in hotel.
Presumably staying overnight due to it being a 2 day job and distance. No suggestion of there being any work related event in evening.
Wife didn’t go near the place of work or see the colleagues at hotel
If the two men had said we usually make our own plans and sort our own evening meal see you at 8.30am tomorrow she’d have been none the wiser about wives.
There’s no obligation to socialise with colleagues in your own free time in the evening. They also can’t be discussing confidential audit info in public.
Some sectors it’s difficult to recruit and retain skilled staff.
I suspect employer has shot himself in foot.
Some posters may sneer at an overnight in a ‘holiday inn’ being a perk but if it made these two employees more likely to say yes to travel and zero cost to employer then it’s shortsighted to have cut it off and by the boss speaking personally to them he is obviously trying to keep them onside.
Two longstanding employees without dependants that are willing to travel are valuable.
Going forward if they work to their contract and don’t go above and beyond I suspect employer will realise. I’d guess they were a good choice to step in if colleagues couldn’t go due to a sick child etc. If he’s lost their goodwill then there may be implications like having to cancel client jobs last minute.

So your client is in the same city that you live and work in - when you are auditing that client you don’t stay in a hotel because you can just drive home as usual.

You finish each day and drive home to your spouse.

So how is that different from getting the elevator up to a hotel room where your spouse is?

It’s not.

I travel for work a fair amount and I know some people take their spouses where it suits. However, if I went away with two co-workers of any sex and they had their spouses turn up for the meal and I didn’t know them well, I would very much feel like they didn’t want me imposing and that I should eat somewhere else without them. The fair thing to do would have been to warn her and ensure she knew she was absolutely invited as she was likely looking forward to the bonding time with colleagues and felt excluded. Additionally, she may have thought she would have bought her spouse if she had been told.

How is it a work jolly when it’s not her work and she’s paying for herself?

I agree with you, that is an old-fashioned attitude - but I didn't say anything of the sort?

OP mentions both audits and conferences, I have just said what's normal in my office with conferences - my post was more directed towards those who said they think it's unprofessional to take anyone "extra" on any trip at all. I don't see why you have picked my post to make your point with.

Some people seem gleeful that something that was viewed as a little perk has ended.
It’s how you piss off longstanding staff.
I was on a course recently and an auditor was saying it was impossible to recruit senior skilled staff.
Lots of firms operate on goodwill.
If I was the DH I’d do my contracted audits and no more. No covering colleagues if they have an emergency or travelling at weekends/evenings. No unofficial socialising with colleagues in evening. I’d be professional and cautious around her. Zero chance I’d be eating with her.

Maybe they want to get rid of these longstanding staff members though? If they are of an age when their kids have left home they’d struggle to find work elsewhere due to the (sad) age discrimination.

Maybe they don’t. Experience still counts.

Maybe. My experience (not audit) is younger staff often struggle with work a distance away and overnights due to childcare, school runs etc and often older staff will pick up slack.
If it was known they were always up for a job as Mrs liked a night away I’d suspect they were a safe bet to ring when colleagues child had chickenpox etc.

'Some woman' being the actual employee of the company you aren't an employee of! If you were/ are lonely then that's your responsibility to resolve, not a new employee who has raised an issue with company policy at her new employers.