Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

If I was your husband I just wouldn't socialise with her full stop.

Sure, she could.have joined.
Sure, she might have hoped to go out with her colleagues.

But she isn't entitled to their unpaid time so she should have accepted the compromise.

If he socialises with her on the next trip, she's had her tantrum and gotten her way. I wouldn't pander to that nonsense.

Well if they did that, the new colleague still wouldn't be happy as it wouldn't solve her problem of wanting to go to dinner and or drinks with these men without their wives now would it? Which seems to be the crux of the matter for her.
Can you imagine if a new younger man joined a company and threw a strop because his female colleagues wanted to spend their evening with their spouses, how dare they not crawl over each other to spend their free time with him 😂

Yep, it's fine if the company decides no more spouses can tag along for free. Of course, they can still go if they want to go on their own dime and the company can't stop that.

But none of that is relevant to this woman's behaviour - refusing dinner with her colleagues because their wives were there, inventing scenarios in her own head where they are expecting her to behave inappropriately.

She has told everyone who she is and they should behave accordingly. Stay away from one to ones with her, always have a witness, no socialising at all unless it is a company do where there are plenty of people around.

Yes, absolutely.

Not to mention she specifically invented a scenario in her own head "suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate" - this is frankly bizarre and she obviously has form for either unprofessional behaviour or being a fantasist.

She certainly has main character syndrome. None of the stuff about taxes or freebies actually matters. What matters is this woman is a weirdo, a troublemaker and should be avoided.

I did take DH and indeed DCs on some business trips, but I was aware that this was a little dodgy from a company perspective. In particular, rooms would always be booked for single use only and from an insurance perspective, if firms know that spouses are also travelling (and indeed accommodate this), they may finish up with accident claims should something happen on the trip. Particularly if they are travelling in a company car on company business. So I am not surprised this has been stopped. The thing to do was to be reasonably discrete.

The thing to do was for the intrusive colleague to shut her gob and just get on with her life, or take up the offer of dinner with the group.

f it was really, really bothering her that people were getting a freebie (though it shouldn't have been) she could have complained about that (yes, very quietly) - instead she was not moaning about the freebie but about the existence of the two wives who, she fantasised, suggested "that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate"

There is something wrong with this woman, and she is to be avoided as much as possible, and any socialising should be avoided completely or if absolutely unavoidable, only with many witnesses.

@bandog

“The expectation is although our time is our own after working hours we should remain professional and be fully prepared for the next day”

Just like every night before a working day. People manage to remain fully professional and fully prepared for the next day when they are in their home office and going home to their families.

What is the ACTUAL difference to going ‘home’ to your spouse in a hotel room than your normal commute home?

*full acceptance that if it’s a special event where evening networking, client entertaining or other activities are required then that’s a different scenario.

How taking the WAGS along helps the company spirit I have no idea.

Because if you work away regularly it's a nice benefit to be able to take your partner along away for a few days. Less time apart, change of scenery, hotel facilities, a meal out somewhere different, bit of socializing with other couples they get along with.

As a one off people will turn a blind eye but as a regular it is guaranteed to piss off the mostly younger staff who are left alone after the big boys leave the office to rush off to dinner with WAGS.

It's not guaranteed at all. Not everyone needs to be babysat by their colleagues.

This would be even more so at a conference where the whole purpose is to network with your industry peers.

I don't think anyone has suggested taking partners to a conference/networking event. That's very different to just working away.

Whoever said they might need to revisit this if a staff member is for example breastfeeding or has a disability requiring a carer had a good point. Even if they don't now, it could happen in the future.

Provided OP and her DH are paying all the additional costs generated by her coming, and it does not change the work her DH is there to do (e.g. if he would have worked full days but is taking the afternoon off each time to go to museums with OP) then the work expenses remain work expenses and there are no tax implications for the company. Because the things that the company pay for would have to be paid for anyway, they are not considered a benefit in kind just because someone else has tagged along too.

This is a well worn bit of tax code.

Well, that's true. But the thing is, the intrusive, weird woman was only bothered because she though the wives didn't have a right to be there, and in her fantasy everyone thought she was going to behave inappropriately.

It's an absolutely massive red flag that she went to that conclusion.

The evening absolutely shouldn’t be spent with colleagues. Since I finished training, my evenings on work trips are spent in the hotel pool and spa, or solo exploring a city, or in my bed reading a book. Unless there’s a specific event that’s been put on, I’m absolutely not spending my free time with my colleagues and no one can dictate that I do.

They are accommodating you because they have a duty to do so, since they are making you work in a location where you can't get home. That doesn't mean they can legally decide what you can and can't do in that accommodation.

I don’t understand what she thinks she will gain by it. No wives there doesn’t mean they will want to eat with her.
Next trip when she says are we eating together and your husband says I’m getting room service and FaceTiming my wife at home there’s zero she can say or complain about. I wouldn’t want to go out to eat in my own free time with someone who had complained about me.

It sounds like she was embarrassed to find out evening plans had been made with no regard for her, and understandably so. Saying she could join a colleague she barely knows and his wife (!) after she'd asked what the plans were for dinner must've been so bloody awkward for everyone involved. I'm not sure I'd have complained if I were her, but it would've put my nose out of joint and I'd probably try to find out if it was the norm.

It happens at my husbands work. We don’t ever use any costs and pay for everything. But yeah….always go away.

She has told everyone who she is and they should behave accordingly. Stay away from one to ones with her, always have a witness, no socialising at all unless it is a company do where there are plenty of people around.

It's definitely giving off those vibes.

But it's equally possible that somebody has told her something that led her to believe the wives think she needs keeping an eye on, or someone has said something in jest that's been taken the wrong way.

Making up lies about multiple colleagues wives less than six months into a new job would be quite the gamble 😅

It's awkward for people in relationships if they aren't allowed to maintain their relationship the way that works for them because their colleagues want their company out of work hours.

Taking OH on a work trip is very strange to me. I think the way she has worded the complaint is OTT & odd, but to me a work trip
is a work trip, not a chance for an OH to take a free holiday.
Saying it’s created a happy environment & wouldn’t have impacted the bottom line is missing the point to me.
Work trips are about work. if you go out for dinner with work colleagues you can talk about work. You can’t & in a lot of cases shouldn’t do that with others present.

How are you sure that is the nature of her complaint? She may have said she felt it was inappropriate, which is entirely different from saying she thought you came along in case she was inappropriate. It seems the boss or your husband is inventing this part of the reasoning.

This. I work in an advisory role. If I was to go on a work trip what happens in the evenings is up to the clients. It’s not the same as a day at home.

It’s a business trip, not a BAU day. It’s perfectly normal for time spent with colleagues to be outside strict business hours on a business trip.

She told her bosses that she believed that people thought she was going to behave inappropriately and unprofessionally. She made a complaint about that, in fact.

That is a bizarre self own - if nobody actually said just that or something very similar on that night out, she is a walking red flag.

But for many work ‘trips’ it is exactly the same as at home - you are just working in a different location during the day. No clients to answer to, no requirement to be ‘on’ for work reasons.

The OP hasn’t expanded on the actual work but her first post mentioned audits which suggests the sort of work which needs to be done off base occasionally. Nothing about that suggests evening commitments are expected - hence it’s same as being at home - you’ve clocked off for the day and it’s your own time.

Have a games&dinner night, at your house, invite colleagues&wives, do not invite her. You are under no obligation to invite her into your home - You're just inviting your friends, those friends just so happen to be married to your husband's colleagues. She doesn't get to dictate how your socialising pans out. Make sure you take plenty of photos and post them all over social media - There are more ways than one to skin a cat.