To ask you to please help me learn how to drive?

[Shutupandrive]

I am 43 and I can’t drive. I’ve always lived in central London, so it just wasn’t necessary. We’ve now moved a bit further out and it turns out life without a car here is a massive pain. Particularly with two very small children to cart about.

So I need to learn. The problem is I am absolutely terrified and I feel like my brain is too old and set in its ways to take this in, and the idea of being in control of a car makes me feel a bit sick.

I’ve got the Highway Code but surely people aren’t sitting down and reading the whole thing cover to cover before they start? Is there a more manageable way to approach the theory side?

Practical questions:

• Would you go with a local instructor? If so, how would you go about selecting one?
• Would you advise an intensive course?
• Roughly how many lessons did it take you (especially if you learned later in life)?
• Is automatic genuinely easier to learn in? (We already have an automatic so that’s the plan)
• Any actually useful resources, videos, apps, cheat sheets, etc. that helped it click?

Also, if you learned as a nervous older learner, how did you get past the fear? That’s the main thing at the moment.

Any advice very welcome.

Automatic is so much easier. I could NEVER get the hang of gears it took so much brain space. Auto cars just go, you don’t have the think. I’d honestly rather get the bus than drive a manual again.

Also watch YouTube videos on maneuvrrs

Automatic is miles easier and all new cars will be automatic in a few years…

Oh god, just go auto. I learnt manual but have driven auto for 19 years. I’ll never drive manual again. There’s a weird sort of snobbishness about manual in the uk.

As per pp - 100% Automatic

Also try meet the instructor or at least talk to them before booking a session.
If you dont get a good vibe (ie kranky old man / generally angry or critical ... dont bother... keep looking)

Do 2 hr lessons not 1hr... you learn faster that way...

Also try and find one who can give you regular slots (thats a nice to have not umst have)

Download a driving app so you can do practice theory tests. You have to pass your theory before you can apply for a driving test.

You can take as many theory tests as you need to, they are not easy. I would recommend doing one early on, they cost about £25. Do it knowing you will probably fail, but it will give you an idea of what to expect and the types of questions etc. So when you feel ready to take it for real, you will have got some of the anxiety out of they way as it will be familiar.

Take a few lessons with an instructor and then be advised by them as to the rest of your questions.

i learnt in a manual at 17. In my mid 40s when I needed to start to do a lot of driving, I got an automatic. I honestly cannot believe I didn’t all
that time driving a manual! We are very strange about it in this country, even though all hybrids and electric cars are auto - so manuals will die off very soon.

Get recommendations for an instructor who's good with nervous drivers and teaches automatic. Don't bother with manual.

Don't read the highway code. Just download an app that teaches you the theory part and does mock theory tests.

You'll be fine, honestly. It's terrifying at first but the instructor will have dial controls so nothing can go wrong. You will come away from your first lesson feeling proud of yourself!

Unless you are on such a low income that you will only ever be able to afford the cheapest cars I woukd strongly recommend getting an Automatic-Only licence. There are a few disadvantages to Automatic-Only but I don't think they are very significant to your particular situation.

Do whatever you need to do to ensure you can have your initial lessons in relatively quiet conditions - this may require getting a bus or tube out even further from Central areas and taking time off work to be available when there are fewer cars around.

The right instructor, with patience and support, will be all you need to slowly build confidence. Don't be afraid to switch instructors if an instructor isn't helping you feel good about your learning. Don't sign up for a big block of lessons until you have had a couple of taster lessons to see whether they fit your needs.

No one reads the while Highway Code before starting lessons. Familiarity with major road sign meanings, and understanding the basics for right-of-way is all you need to start learning - obviously you need to work through the rest of the knowledge before you take your theory test but a lot will make more sense as you gain experience.

DH and I have both gone onto automatic cars in the last 10 years and I'd never drive a manual again, what an unnecessary faff. The main thing is finding an instructor you feel ok being in a confined space with. And like PP's have said, do a 2 hour lesson as you won't forget everything like you will with hourly ones.

Another one saying Auto - I passed first time aged 46 (16 lessons) .12 years on and I dont know why I didn't do it sooner

I think intensive courses are good, but you will need to know your theory well before going down that route as you won't have the time to pick it up as you go along.

You do need to know the theory well to be a good driver. Road signs and markings are there for a reason.

Watching with interest as I’m in exactly the same situation as OP! (No kids, but elderly parent who is getting nervous about driving herself)

With the right instruction and your strong motivation, you will get there. Be kind to yourself while you are learning, no point in stressing about it you will get there. Good luck.

100% automatic. Or even an electric with one pedal driving, if you can afford it. It's like driving a go kart.

Take pps advice about the online tests. When I took my theory I used a CD ROM 😂 so there must be an app equivalent these days!!!

Just get started with lessons. I won't comment on the auto/manual thing except to say I went with manual learning at about your age thinking it would be much harder than it was but wanting to try, and it was absolutely fine. Because I can drive a manual, I can drive any car. If you pass in an auto you'll be restricted to those. That may or may not matter to you.

If you can't get a recommendation from someone as to instructors, I'd go with one of the big providers as you can ask for a change of instructor (or transmission type) if necessary. Have a least two (two hour) lessons a week if you can, so there's less time to forget things and you build muscle memory. It will take as long as it takes, but you might really surprise yourself.

Basically, get your licence and get started. It may not be as bad as you think.

I wasn’t bought up around cars at all so when I decided to learn in my 20s - I had to understand how a car works before I could feel ok pressing random pedals ! So I wanted to know about the engine and which pedal did what !
maybe that will help you too ?

Can your husband drive? Do you go out places with you in the passenger seat? You will probably know a lot of the signs just from that

but, as practical help would your husband be patient enough for you to play guess the sign?

I think driving manual is a skill but for your confidence & how easy driving an automatic is, I would say go for that.

even though it was a hell of a long time ago, I used to think about the stupidest people I knew & how they had passed their test and so there was no reason why I couldn’t.

i know thats not very nice thinking of people as stupid but it helped, just don’t say it out loud

My adult niece was so worried about having driving lessons because she struggled with manual. She started driving my automatic and couldn't believe how much easier it was.

She passed her test and is now on the road in her own automatic.

What lovely helpful responses! Thank you all so much!

He can drive and is extremely patient, so that’s a fab idea. Thank you!

I agree that in your situation you might as well learn on an automatic.

I would suggest saving up for a few months, then having 2 or 3 lessons a week - so not a full on week of intensive driving, but longer sessions close together.
Definitely book lessons that are 90mins or 2 hours. That will also (as you get more confident) give time in a lesson to get to different places / different types of roads (so to big, fast dual carriageways with filter lanes similar to motorways; or out onto some windy country roads if you are a City dweller; or into a high street / driving in busy traffic or more complicated and a variety of junctions / busier roundabouts. Just more and better experience than you might be limited to if you need to stay within 20 mins of your home.

In terms of who - there is nothing like a personal recommendation - ask around colleagues, friends, neighbours, other parents, etc, or, failing that, on your local Facebook group.

I probably would stay away from 1 week intensive courses as you mention a lack of confidence. That’s not something you can fully overcome in a week, in my opinion. If you chose an instructor, maybe just have an initial lesson, that way if you don’t get on with their teaching style, you’re not stuck hating it for 10 lessons. I’d do single lessons to begin with, but once your theory test is nailed, consider the benefit of doubles.
Also, when you’re in the car as a passenger, stay off your phone and start to observe more. Look at road signs & test yourself. Ask DH to also ‘test’ you. My parents done this with us growing up, which was beyond helpful as there was less to ‘learn’. That said, there’ll be apps available these days to help take things in in bite size chunks. I would also suggest following Big Jobber’s liability reviews. Don’t be overwhelmed that he’s assessing liability on accidents, but you learn so much. Even as an experienced driver I’ve picked up great tips. There’s also some driving instructors on Instagram which share clips of common mistakes etc.
You’ve got this - you’re only 43! So many great road trips lie ahead for you!

Try FB or similar for recommendations of local instructors. Given you are in your 40s, have you got friends or colleagues with teens of driving age you could ask? My DD1 is young in her year, so we found an instructor based on recommendations from friends who had already started driving.

Automatic takes away some of the technical side of driving so you can just concentrate in the road and your speed. For any new drivers who can afford an automatic, there is probably little reason to learn in manual now. DD did learn in a manual because we had 2 manual cars at that point, plus as a teenager, her budget when she chooses to buy a car may well be limited. I have an EV now, and I love driving it compared to manuals - even though I have over 25 years experience of driving them.

Word of mouth is good for finding an instructor used to working with older, anxious people. However, lots of pp are suggesting 2 hr lessons. I would be guided by your instructor.
My youngest DS has just passed, first time, but for months didn’t do more than hour long lessons, often in a car park or industrial estate because he found driving at more than 10mph so scary!
Once he learnt to drive, then his instructor increased his lessons to 2 hrs, but until you can actually drive, there is only so much you can do and an hour is usually fine to begin with.

good luck OP! I am 36 this year and about 50% of the way there with practical AND i have two small kids as the motivating factor! Also lived in london so avoided all driving until i moved to midlands. I too believed i couldn’t learn any new skills but i was wrong. If you can learn to parent you can defo learn to drive. 100000% go automatic. I wasted so much time and money on a bat shit manual instructor because my dh wanted me to drive our manual car but it wasn’t worth the stress and extra cost. And we are soon buying an automatic anyway THANK GOD. I feel like i’m way more confident in the auto car and my instructor is nice and calm. You can do this!!