To ask you to please help me learn how to drive?

[Shutupandrive]

I am 43 and I can’t drive. I’ve always lived in central London, so it just wasn’t necessary. We’ve now moved a bit further out and it turns out life without a car here is a massive pain. Particularly with two very small children to cart about.

So I need to learn. The problem is I am absolutely terrified and I feel like my brain is too old and set in its ways to take this in, and the idea of being in control of a car makes me feel a bit sick.

I’ve got the Highway Code but surely people aren’t sitting down and reading the whole thing cover to cover before they start? Is there a more manageable way to approach the theory side?

Practical questions:

• Would you go with a local instructor? If so, how would you go about selecting one?
• Would you advise an intensive course?
• Roughly how many lessons did it take you (especially if you learned later in life)?
• Is automatic genuinely easier to learn in? (We already have an automatic so that’s the plan)
• Any actually useful resources, videos, apps, cheat sheets, etc. that helped it click?

Also, if you learned as a nervous older learner, how did you get past the fear? That’s the main thing at the moment.

Any advice very welcome.

I learned at 42, did 30 hours of lessons, passed first time. For the theory I tried to memorise the not so common sense parts and skimmed over the obvious parts. Don't do your theory until you feel you are approaching ready to go for your test as the theory only lasts two years

...just to buck the trend on here...yes autos are great for town driving but genrally get less mpg than a manual if that would be important to you ?

This may sound stupid, but make sure you know your left from your right as an instructor will be telling you to turn left or right quite a bit.

Two things.
My dad tried to teach me to drive. He taught my siblings but l was dreadfully nervous. I had no idea what was going on. He said..in a kind way..l would never make a driver! But l took lessons..took a few extra and am driving since.
My friends dad died suddenly at 60. His wife never drove. She was a SAHM and had quite a sheltered life. She took lessons and got going and drove until she was in her 80s.
You can do this. Accept you are nervous but so are a lot of people starting. Don't let that stop you. The instructor will have dealt with nerves many times.

Nope would never do automatic as restricts you and my DH swapped from learning automatic to manual with no problems 10 lessons and he passed at 39 thus when one of our cars broke down and no auto availablity at our nearest garagehe was able to drive the hire manual to work..

I’m an instructor.

Definitely go local, you’re driving where you’ll be driving post test. See if you can find someone by word of mouth.

I disagree about the auto/manual. Manual gives you more options and I’ve never failed with anyone yet to teach someone.

Re anxiety, probably about 50% of my students suffer from it, it’s very common. Go with an instructor with understanding of that and a gentle attitude. There’s no rate of progression you need to be measuring up to (except for your expenditure) so take your time if you’re worried.

Personally I would avoid videos, there’s a lot of TikTok instructors aimed towards providing a bit of drama. Also a lot are factually incorrect.

my oldest was 48, you can do this!

Very similar to you but without kids. Learning at 42 as will probably be moving out of a city in the next few years. Learning automatic was the way to go. Also getting a female driving instructor- I didn’t want to be locked in a car with a creepy patronising man (first learning experience at 17 tainted it for me). There are lots of tips and videos on YouTube and TikTok now to avail of. Prepare for everything about learning to drive to be expensive.

I passed two months before my 44th birthday.

1. Theory was easy , there’s a limited number of questions just download the app and answer lots of them
2. We owned a manual car so I went to manual and I’m glad I did now but honestly if you’ve got an automatic there’s perhaps no point except possibly easier to find an instructor
3. I ended up with an instructor who was a good fit for me, he had a high pass rate, taught to the test and said very little. He wasn’t a good instructor so much as just a good fit, I do better with people who say little than lots of corrections
4. shorter lessons weekly worked better for me, I did 90 mins most weeks.
5. i let it take the time it takes. Cancelled a first test because I didn’t feel ready (instructor was surprised I did this as he thought I was) and then passed first time on the rebooked test. I preferred my own judgement about how ready I was

Im dyspraxic and had tried to learn to drive on many occasions before. It was actually easier this time, being older.

My DH used to be a driving instructor, he wouldn’t recommend intensive courses as most people can only concentrate for an hour or two and so doing long sessions is a waste of time. You will likely make more mistakes and loose confidence

Retired driving instructor here.
As a rough guide, allow two hours of tuition for every year of age and manual usually takes ten hours more than automatic. Word of mouth is always best for finding an instructor, but if you don't have those recommendations then check that their licence is pink as a green licence is for trainees. You could also check their grade, although that isn't always an indicator of their real world abilities (it's a role playing exercise)

Sorry you had that as a first experience but I wouldn't recommend dismissing someone on gender. Dh has had pupils go to him from a female instructors who are either too nervous to actually take the learner onto a main road, another bad tempered and shouting when the learner gets something wrong. They have come to dh with their confidence in tatters only to find learning can be fun after all. What I'm saying is don't discriminate based solely on gender, find the right person for the job. Also any inappropriate behaviour needs reporting to the DVSA, any decent driving instructor will agree with that.

@Shutupandrive I’d be careful with this advice OP - the wait for practical tests at the moment is ridiculous and you can’t book your practical until you have passed your theory. I personally did lessons until I felt comfortable with the basics then sat theory test and got a test booked (on my instructors advice, given the wait times)

I passed theory 6 weeks ago and can’t get a practical test until the end of July.

Im in my 30s and currently learning 👋🏼 Honestly, I was a nervous wreck before my first lesson and it genuinely was not anywhere near as bad as I was expecting! I’m learning manual as then I can drive anything and I’m not limited to automatic.
also ignore the advice about only going for a female instructor 🙄 go on local Facebook groups and ask for recommendations ☺️ I had 4 lessons with a female instructor that I found myself who made me feel horrendous and spoke to me like I was 5 years old 🙄 I’m now about 75% of the way there with a male instructor who could not be nicer - and he was highly recommended locally!

Good luck ☺️ let us know when you’ve had a go!

Definitely do auto.

I had lessons when I was much younger and had the most awful experience in my driving test and didn't drive a car again for 30 years.

Did the same as you, moved somewhere we needed a car. DH could drive but it was so limiting for me.

I found an older female instructor who had switched to auto recently. I didn't tell anyone I was learning until I was close to taking my test. Didn't want the pressure. I said to myself it takes as long as it takes. I didn't want to rush into a test, I wanted to be a safe driver.

All in it was 14 months, a 2 hour lesson once a week. There were a few breaks for hols and my instructor had 3 weeks off when she had an op. I didn't drive in my DH's car either to practice, I only had paid lessons.

Yes it's expensive, yes it will take ages. Just accept it.

Bought myself a car (electric) and i love driving now. You just need to be patient with yourself and kind.

I moved from London - where I never needed to drive - to a fairly rural village, where I absolutely needed to drive. So at the age of 52 - much older than you, OP, I took lessons. The game changer is to learn in an automatic. I found manual controls too difficult. I passed first time.

Sort the anxiety first.

I recently had a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy with@eyesopenwideawake on here, she works via zoom.

If you don't want to go that route start with this. Before you go to sleep imagine yourself driving your children to fun activities.

Then work backwards, think about how pleased you will be when (not if) you pass your test.

After that think about how much you enjoyed leaning.

You can't do this in 3-4 nights but it is a way of shifting the anxiety to excitement.

Be prepared to spend a fortune! My son is currently learning and lessons are very expensive.

I admit to an individual they might be expensive but in the grand scheme of things they are really not. Where I am, the average is around £40 an hour for a life skill. The instructor does not see £40 an hr, it costs thousands to train to become an ADI, think of the overheads, we all know the price of fuel and anyone who owns a car knows how expensive that is for the ordinary person, an instructor has twice yearly services, wear and tear on the car is far more than the average. The insurance to cover learners isn't cheap. People will think nothing of paying £40 at the weekend getting hammered, £30 for nails, god knows what for hair the list goes on. Yet a life skill where the instructor is responsible for the safety of the learner, himself and everyone else on the road is considered expensive.

Sorry it's not meant to be goady but to keep reading how expensive lessons are when, as the wife of an ADI I know the reality of running a driving school. It really grinds my gears (no pun intended)

i don’t doubt anything you’ve said, but to individual learners, especially young people, it is often prohibitively expensive.

I learned at your age OP, I was nervous as hell and thought it couldn't be done. It really was so hard but I persevered and guess what I now love driving! I cannot believe I waited this long.

Every time something is challenging I remind myself that I am finally a great driver.

Ask for recommendations on local Facebook pages

You can do it.