AIBU for sending my mum home early?

[Looneytunez]

I’m really struggling with this situation and would appreciate some outside perspective.
My mum is in her 70s and has always been very “involved” in everyone’s lives. I know she means well and thinks she’s being helpful, but she constantly gives unsolicited advice and pushes her opinions to the point where people start pulling away from her. It’s caused serious tension in the past — she was even a big factor in my uncle’s marriage breaking down.
She recently came to stay with me after the birth of my newborn, as she lives abroad and I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with her grandchildren. I genuinely wanted that bond for them.
But it’s been incredibly difficult.
She keeps telling me how to raise my 6-year-old — correcting me, undermining me, and making comments about how I’m going to damage his self-esteem. She even said that the first woman he meets in the future will “turn him against me,” which honestly really upset me.
For context, I’m a loving parent, but I do set boundaries — things like limiting sweets and addressing tantrums when they happen. My mum often ignores those rules and openly contradicts me in front of my son. Unsurprisingly, he’s started saying he prefers her because she lets him have more treats.
A few days ago things really escalated. We argued (I’ll admit I lost my temper after being pushed for so long), and later that night she drank heavily. Around 1am she woke me up shouting and swearing about me. It was honestly quite shocking and upsetting, especially with the kids in the house.
For additional context — DH has known her for over 10 years and was aware of what she’s like, as she has stayed with us before and it was a mess then too. I do feel bad for shouting at her, but I’m also 3 months postpartum, handling all the night care for the baby on my own, and I haven’t slept properly for over half a year due to pregnancy insomnia. On top of that, I have thyroid issues, so I’m already exhausted and stretched thin.
At this point, I feel like her presence is doing more harm than good — to me, to my parenting, and to the atmosphere at home.
So… AIBU for booking her a return ticket and asking her to leave early?

My mum is an alcoholic and really, really tricky. She is even now she doesn’t drink. I find visiting her much easier than having her at mine. We have a number of activities I can take my children to when she’s being tricky (Aquarium, swimming, parks etc). We visit for 3-4 days but book ourselves up so we only have short stints with her. It’s the only way to manage it.

If she had a ticket for next a Wednesday I would let her stay but I would be clear - no alcohol at all. Be civil and polite but keep it simple. You know your mum so don’t ask her questions which might provoke a discussion in any way and don’t discuss anything with DH in front of her. Don’t discuss what you are going to do about her future visits, you will need to think about it any way.
A month is too much for a parent with such personality. I would say 2 weeks max once a year if it’s absolutely unavoidable.
By the way is it her personality or there is cultural difference in how she sees parenting? If it’s cultural it’s trickier she would struggle to see your point of view.
Also do you have siblings and if yes do they have the same problem with her? I’ve found that if my sibling and I are both saying the same thing to our mum she listens more.
However drinking episode was unforgivable. I wouldn’t want her staying at all unless she would work out herself how wrong it was and specifically apologise for this. Is it a regular thing for her or out of the character?

and yes to @NerrSnerr approach

Hi OP. It is perfectly acceptable to have boundaries with your mum. You don’t have to accept any of this behaviour. It’s not your job to manage or fix your mum’s behaviour, it’s entirely her own responsibility, trauma or not. She is an adult, and if she wants to maintain an adult loving relationship that’s up to her. That’s her job. You don’t need to carry any guilt. And now you have your own children it is your job to model what having a constructive relationship looks like. Do it for your children. Not saying cut her out of your life but accept no challenges to your parenting. She’s had her chance and now it’s yours. Just because she says “x, y, z,” doesn’t make it true. She’s entitled to any opinion she likes, but that doesn’t give her the right to air it in front of your child. You can do it, if you love your kids they deserve positive role models and currently she isn’t one. That may or may not change in the future but get through the next day or so and consider writing it all down to give her to read on the flight home. She doesn’t have to like it, but you are not obliged to have this shit in your life with a newborn baby and health issues. Use that energy to recover and recharge once she’s gone, set boundaries and don’t look back. Best of luck.

Take my comment with a pinch of salt op, but she raised you ok didn’t she?

Has she got a drink problem?

Wow your better than me I'd have thrown her out the house at 1am

She’s been with you for a month!! You have the patience of a saint. Send her home. Save your emotional energy for your children.

Get the ticket she has swopped , and get her out of there. If you were paying for the travel book it and never offer to pay for her to visit again.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare
What an interfering, controlling know it all monster she is

Show her the door and in future don't contact her. By the way. Where is your husband in all of this.?

She bought it under the pretext of going for a walk to the pharmacy, then hid it in her room..
We dont keep spirits around in case she decided to have some.

I wish I could do the same but as we live in 2 separate countries it isnt possible.

Wow if she's drinking like that I wouldn't want her round my kids , send her back

It is a bit cultural too I guess but mostly it is her MH and clash of generations I suppose...my siblings do not have children however they have same issues in the sense that she will write them the longest whatsap messages telling them how to live their lives on a regular basis, drives them nuts. We all have issues making decisions as we never were allowed to think for ourselves. The drinking and blackouts used to be quite regular but she is getting a bit better recently.

Your choice, talk to her and see if you can reach an agreement or say it's too much and ask her to leave, it seems it's not black and white.

Well yes and no. In the sense that she wasnt around much - she would often leave me with relatives (they are lovely people, I prefered spending time with them than with my DM) which gave me a sense of normality. When she was around she was a a good mum - she did spoil us rotten and when she lost her fortune it was hard to adapt to the new reality. She only became an alcoholic later in life due to having a rough time with her DH which is why I feel bad for her and try to give her a chance over and over again.

It isnt that simple, she is also very kind and has helped so many people when she had the means..MH 🤪
I specifically asked DH not to get involved so as not to cause more trouble. He did tell me he feels bad about me going thru all the stress during postpartum period..

Yes. She can go without drinking for months but if she has a couple of drinks (spirits) she will quickly blackout and become agressive.

I saw this as a person who has a mother similar to yours who I struggled to set boundaries with...She never got better, btw. She only got worse.

You are making way too many excuses for her absolutely terrible behavior. This is not a one or two time thing. This is who she is and how she continues to be, despite you having told her how you feel.

All this talk about wanting her to spend time with your 6yo whilst she is actively breaking your parenting rules with him and pinning him against you makes no sense. You need to take a big step back and think about the messaging that she is sending your son and the fact that, as she insists on continuing to do it, it will ultimately damage your relationship with him if you allow it to continue.

Please stop feeling bad for your mother. Would you treat your adult children this way? If she can't take accountability, that is on her. You are not responsible for another adult's feelings and you have the right to mutual respect in your own home and especially in front of impressionable children.

I wouldn't invite her to stay in your home after this because it absolutely will not improve. Limit the time and pay for a hotel so that if she starts ANY of this, you can simple walk out the door or send her back to the hotel.

Yea you are right, Im making way too many excuses...I guess I see her as a child too.

Three months is too long for anyone’s mum
to stay. Send her home before the relationship is damaged irreparably

Your mental and physical health is the most important because you are also taking care of small children. Unfortunately it sounds like your mum’s presence is doing more harm than good at the moment. And you need as much equilibrium as you can get with kids and a little baby. Also, a month is a crazy long visit so don’t feel bad. But most importantly your mum needs to respect your rules and boundaries and she is out of line behaving this way to you. Good luck OP x

I would tell her that if she so much looks sideways at a drop of alcohol before Wednesday then she’ll be out of your house so fast her feet won’t touch the ground, and you don’t care if it’s 3am and she’s got £3 in her purse. She’ll be on her own because you won’t risk your DC seeing her drunk and shouting the odds at everyone she has the hump with.

I think you seriously need to consider reducing the contact you have with her. She doesn’t sound like a very good mum and she sounds an even worse grandmother. That’s something you might want to ask her when she starts giving you unsolicited parenting advice; why would you take advice on anything, least of all parenting, from someone who has made such a monumental fuck up of her own life and her relationships with her children? She may well have had some difficult things happen to her, but a lot of her current circumstances are of her own making.

Drinking heavily, waking you up during the night and swearing ... a complete NC would be right here! Get her out of your home, away from your children and stop worrying about it being 'just how she is'. Her behaviour is abhorrent and if she says, like mine did, it is just how she is, it is not acceptable. As humans we are responsible, accountable and quite able to look at our own behaviours, to work out why we are the way we are and work on that. A five/six worded sentence doesn't cut it to being understood

Honestly OP, you need to start parenting.
There are often hard choices to make when we choose to have children.
This is not acceptable behaviour around your children.
It really is that simple.
My father was very unpredictable growing up, moody, selfish, clearly narcissistic, when I learnt what narcissism involves.
It leaves such a mark.

He never got the opportunity to meet my children, I simply wouldn't entertain it.
He had messed up my childhood with his awful behaviour, and my precious children were not going to be exposed to either him or my mother, who excused and enabled him.

Parenting can involve tough decisions at times, where you put their wellbeing above all others.

I'd be telling her to pack and delivering her to the nearest Premier Inn frankly.