AIBU for sending my mum home early?

[Looneytunez]

I’m really struggling with this situation and would appreciate some outside perspective.
My mum is in her 70s and has always been very “involved” in everyone’s lives. I know she means well and thinks she’s being helpful, but she constantly gives unsolicited advice and pushes her opinions to the point where people start pulling away from her. It’s caused serious tension in the past — she was even a big factor in my uncle’s marriage breaking down.
She recently came to stay with me after the birth of my newborn, as she lives abroad and I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with her grandchildren. I genuinely wanted that bond for them.
But it’s been incredibly difficult.
She keeps telling me how to raise my 6-year-old — correcting me, undermining me, and making comments about how I’m going to damage his self-esteem. She even said that the first woman he meets in the future will “turn him against me,” which honestly really upset me.
For context, I’m a loving parent, but I do set boundaries — things like limiting sweets and addressing tantrums when they happen. My mum often ignores those rules and openly contradicts me in front of my son. Unsurprisingly, he’s started saying he prefers her because she lets him have more treats.
A few days ago things really escalated. We argued (I’ll admit I lost my temper after being pushed for so long), and later that night she drank heavily. Around 1am she woke me up shouting and swearing about me. It was honestly quite shocking and upsetting, especially with the kids in the house.
For additional context — DH has known her for over 10 years and was aware of what she’s like, as she has stayed with us before and it was a mess then too. I do feel bad for shouting at her, but I’m also 3 months postpartum, handling all the night care for the baby on my own, and I haven’t slept properly for over half a year due to pregnancy insomnia. On top of that, I have thyroid issues, so I’m already exhausted and stretched thin.
At this point, I feel like her presence is doing more harm than good — to me, to my parenting, and to the atmosphere at home.
So… AIBU for booking her a return ticket and asking her to leave early?

Well she can stay in a hotel until then.

Re undermining you - firm, no-nonsense, "Mum, your way is not my way, please back off."

Re letting your Ds have more sweets etc etc, "haha, yes DS ,that's a grany's job - to let you have more treats and sometimes do more fun stuff. She can do that because she's only here a little bit of the time. My job is to look after you every day and keep you healthy and safe."

Re the shouting - you tell her, away from the children that that sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable and she needs to apologise and guarantee it won't happen again. If she won't/can't, she must leave now. If a changed flight is too difficult or expensive, book her into the cheapest travel lodge/premier inn type hotel you can find. Preferably far enough away she can't just come over.

I hate to admit it but this has happened before. I draw the line, we agree she wont call me out on my parenting - at least in front of my son (I've made a series of compromises, now when I read this it makes me feel really silly) - and I invite her over and the same happens again and again like bloody Groundhog day. I cant help but to feel sorry for her as I know she isnt a bad person, just someone who has suffered trauma and has issues steming from that. Im really not in a state to ignore her comments, being exhausted and nervous due to lack of sleep. At the end of the day it is her responsibility to get help for her MH issues but I feel like some people in my family expect me to 'ignore her comments' at all times...

Another point which I appreciate might be challenging because it sounds liek she doesn't lilve close by, but limiting the length of her visits might be your best option. We used to have MIL turning up for 5-6 weeks at a time and when she could split her time between us and SIL it was fine, but when it was all with us, I honestly came close to murder a few times.

Ditto my own parents but they're very independent and used to live around here so when they visit they split their time between me and my sister, but also, they have all kinds of things going on - visiting other family, trips into London for sightseeing, shopping etc. So seeing htem is lovely, but less intense!

On top of it all she is broke and cant afford a ticket or hotel so we are footing the bills for everything. I dont even have an issue with that but at the very least I expect some kind of restraint or gratitude seeing that we are not wealthy. She used to be wealthy and has squandered all her fortune and is still unable to comprehend what it means living off your wages.

I can relate to the murder part😅

Get her out your house into a cheap hotel and also please go and see a decent Endrochronologist as the thyroid issue will be why you’re not sleeping properly and I’d also suspect an adrenal issue causing low cortisol is running alongside it as you usually have more than one issue when you have thyroid ones and adrenal
system issues like Addisons is very common and often insomnia is the first major red flag for it. Your body is keeping itself alive keeping it awake because when yoU are sleeping and have above that’s not managed then your blood pressure heart rate etc massively drops to dangerous levels. Go see an endocrinologist privately urgently - London clinic has some fab ones

A month?? Jeez, you've got more patience than me. My mum came to stay for a week after my eldest was born and that was enough for me.

You need to have a frank discussion with your mum and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that her drunken outburst the other night was completely unacceptable and if she does it again, or continues to undermine your authority with your dc, then she will have to spend the remainder of her visit at a hotel.

I would also stress to her that unless she gets help for her mental health issues she won't be welcome at your house anymore.

A month is more than most people can manage and that’s without the getting drunk and swearing.

My DS and I been trying to get her see a therapist for over a decade but to no avail. She went to a shrink once and apparently they told her she's fine , it is her family's behaviour that is causing all the issues....

I'm reading about Addison's now, thanks for mentioning it - will get some tests done.

@Looneytunez try and put this behind you but learn from it. Let her stay for the rest of this holiday and be as nice as pie so you are not left feeling guilty in anyway once she heads home. You’ll know who was exactly in the wrong.

However, this isn’t going to change. Every visit will be the same. So, keep in touch by phone. When you fancy seeing her, you and your family go to her. You can choose a hotel nearby or decide to stay with her for the chosen length you can handle. It’s probably best she no longer comes to you, it isn’t good for your kids to have a toxic person staying and for too long. Keep your visits to her brief so that your kids see the nice side of their grandma only.

She can be very amusing..
But her current behaviour is very far from it.

You don't want someone bursting into your bedroom drunk in the night and swearing and shouting at you ...
point out to her that is a sure sign she's probably had a long enough visit and should go home as its clearly not doing her any good.

I'd find all the comments insufferable after a while, there's only so long you can keep turning a blind eye, particularly if its making it harder for your to manage your six year old.

That's exactly it - I always end up feeling guilty after she leaves...

If she’s been here a month, her flight is booked for Wednesday, she has no money and you’d have to pay loads to buy a new one, then I’d just wait till Wednesday.

If that happens, come back to this thread to remind yourself how awful her behaviour was x

“Around 1am she woke me up shouting and swearing about me.”

She WOKE UP the mother of a three month old baby??? I am just astounded. Does she have no care for the baby? And she has been with you for a month - I think you’re up for a sainthood, OP. Do you sleep with DH and baby? I think my own DH would have had a few choice words to say if his MIL had woken him up in the night shouting and swearing. OP, that is so far beyond acceptable, words fail me.
Next time she comes, if you’re in control of buying the tickets, make it no longer than a week. I just can’t believe that a mother would be so unkind to her DD. The idea of waking my own beloved DD when she is tired and hormonal with a tiny baby - well, it’s unthinkable. As for telling your six year old that his future wife will turn him against you - I’d have been getting her coat at that point. Your DC: your rules. As a DGM, you can give gentle advice to your DC, but not in front of the DGC, and you most definitely don’t ever cast aspersions on her or her parenting. What on earth does your DH make of it all? It would be quite a while before I would be thinking of inviting her again.

Unless your mum has cognitive issues she should have some self awareness. She had her time being a mum and she needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. Especially if you've just had a baby. And any idiot can win a child's favours giving them rubbish to eat, that doesn't make her grandmother of the year. Good for you knowing when you've had enough. And a month would be a long time for anyone, even if they're super helpful having someone in your space is hard. She's broken up a marriage before, that's crazy. You should tell her how you feel, guilt is natural. You don't need to be unkind about it. Tell her you love her and want to have a relationship with her and that's why you are telling her. She should be helping and respecting your rules not undermining you. I'm speaking as an overly helpful person whose learnt, trying to learn when to be quiet. She can change, she can do it, but you need to tell her, write a letter maybe, and yes get her on that plane. Go easy on yourself, emotions all over the place, sleep disruption and a body that doesn't always feel quite like yours. Factor in your thyroid and you've got an older child, and chuck in an overly helpful mother and most people couldn't cope with that.

I’m sorry to hear about her upbringing, but she has had decades to do something about it. And she used to have money? Could have paid for a therapist. If she didn’t have money, there are books, resources that would have been better than making her daughter feel like this.

She was so drunk, black out level - she had no idea what she was doing and couldn't remember it the next day. DH was working nights luckily... She did not tell my 6 yo about his future wife turning him against me but she said it in his presence. I reckon DH just feels sorry for her but he leaves it up to me to limit contact. He certainly has told her what he thinks of her a good few times over the last 10 years.

She didn't because 'theres nothing wrong with her it is everyone else'🤪

Mm. Getting blackout drunk is not everybody else. 🤨

She is in major denial...I even showed her a recording of herself pissed drunk and it didnt achieve much.

I wouldn’t tell her she is not invited back until she leaves the country and is in her own home. You don’t want her kicking off and refusing to leave.

How is she getting ahold of alcohol? Hide it remove it pour it out