Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH deleting messages

54 replies

soupbucket · 21/03/2026 22:15

I don’t know if AIBU here or not, me and DH been out the pub for tea and a few drinks and then come back home, had a nice evening so far and his friend had been messaging while we were out asking if we fancied a visitor for a drink, got home and seen my DH messaging friend and noticed he had deleted all the messages, he was then messaging his ex wife and noticed the same also so couldn’t help asking why he had deleted all the messages. His response was because I’m a snoop so he has to.

Now just for clarity, I have never been through his phone, I have always trusted him 100% no reason not to. I might read his messages if they are in my eyeline when he is on his phone but this has never been an issue. Yeste

This comment is an issue for me, it makes me think he has something to hide, I don’t snoop at all but even if I did what is he hiding? He is welcome to go through my phone all he wants, I literally have nothing to hide.

AIBU to be offended by this or am I being crank?

OP posts:
FunMustard · 21/03/2026 22:19

Even if he doesn't have something to hide, he doesn't trust you enough to not look in his phone, and thinks it's important enough that you can't see everything. I mean, all phones come with a locking process, but despite that he decided to delete everything.

Original poster
soupbucket · 21/03/2026 22:40

I have never had any desire to even look at his phone. I really don’t know where this has come from.

OP posts:
Aquarius91 · 21/03/2026 22:55

Very weird behaviour on his part, I would be suspicious

Farewelltothatid · 21/03/2026 23:05

Well he has virtually admitted to you that if you saw the messages you wouldn't like them. So yes he obviously has got something to hide.

And by accusing you of being " a snoop" he is putting the blame on you for his actions .

If deleting his messages is a change in his behaviour then that is a real cause for concern. Have there been any other changes in his behaviour?

SuzieYellow · 21/03/2026 23:10

The comment sounds like he’s just deflecting attention away from himself and instead putting the false reasoning on you being a “snoop”

Original poster
soupbucket · 21/03/2026 23:14

i feel like instead of reassuring me he has deflected onto me me being the issue. I’m not a snoop but now I’m totally suspicious and questioning everything. I suddenly feel like I don’t even know if I trust him now. Has anyone got any advice? I don’t know if it’s me gone into hyper drive overthinking.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 21/03/2026 23:14

You know he deleted his messages, so you snooped.

Which means he's right. Just because you wouldn't actively go through his phone, doesn't mean he hasn't noticed you having a nose over his shoulder.

Original poster
soupbucket · 21/03/2026 23:19

i don’t nose over his shoulder like a spy, he was sitting with his arm around me with his phone in front of me, its easy to see on WhatsApp in front of my face that it was a whole new chat and the one from earlier had been deleted. He was showing me messages earlier on so that’s why I know it was deleted.

Thinking about it I did ask for his phone to put a song in a queue on Spotify and it seems to have been after that. I didn’t look at anything else just Spotify

OP posts:
ChocolateSpongeCake · 21/03/2026 23:36

Don't forget that most on here will say it's suspicious. You know whether you can trust him. It's easy to get caught up in suspicion and do your mental health no favours in the process.
It does seem that he doesn't trust you though but is that because he has something to hide or because likes his privacy. It's the equivalent to him reading your msgs to your friends. Maybe its just banter that he doesn't want you to see?

ColdAsAWitches · 22/03/2026 00:10

i don’t nose over his shoulder like a spy,

But you've already said that you do read his messages if they are in your eyeline. Over the shoulder or at arms length, you have been reading his messages and he's noticed, so maybe he has a point.

JustGiveMeReason · 22/03/2026 00:16

Only you know if this is odd for your dh, or a change in his behaviour.

Personally I delete messages all the time on my phone, so I don't think deleting messages is odd per se.
If I didn't delete messages I'd end up with thousands and thousands of messages I never need to refer to again, so I just do it habitually in some chats

Chapsticks · 22/03/2026 00:18

I delet all my messages, i read reply delet.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 22/03/2026 01:01

Chapsticks · 22/03/2026 00:18

I delet all my messages, i read reply delet.

Yep me too

4wardlooking · 22/03/2026 01:19

@soupbucket his comment to you was rude. He could have said ‘it’s just what I do!’, so I think he’s probably written something he doesn’t want you to see or he just wants to make himself appear more interesting than he is!

It wasn’t nice behaviour from him.

wombat1a · 22/03/2026 02:23

I don't see it as odd, I read, something reply but nearly always delete. I can't stand having a long list of old messages hangiong around.

PollyBell · 22/03/2026 03:02

soupbucket · 21/03/2026 23:14

i feel like instead of reassuring me he has deflected onto me me being the issue. I’m not a snoop but now I’m totally suspicious and questioning everything. I suddenly feel like I don’t even know if I trust him now. Has anyone got any advice? I don’t know if it’s me gone into hyper drive overthinking.

He shouldn't have to reassure you are not a child he has every right to delete

You dont trust him that is your issue to deal with

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2026 03:07

Chapsticks · 22/03/2026 00:18

I delet all my messages, i read reply delet.

My dh does this as well on messages but for some reason keeps WhatsApp. Strange. But nothing untoward.

Icanseeatree · 22/03/2026 03:58

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2026 03:07

My dh does this as well on messages but for some reason keeps WhatsApp. Strange. But nothing untoward.

Show quote history

Could it be because when he first got a phone you had to delete texts straight away because phones only had enough memory for about 10 texts so he's just in the habit of doing it? Lots of people still txt spk because text used to be about 25p each when they first started sending them!

GarlicFound · 22/03/2026 04:06

OBVIOUSLY this is new behaviour from OP's husband, or she wouldn't have been perturbed by it!

You wouldn't come here to talk about someone deleting messages if they always delete their messages, would you? I don't know what's up with MN these days, seems like almost every thread fills up with numpties saying "Well, I do this thing so everyone else does, too, and you should shut up" 🙄

OP, I'd be narked by it - and even more by his snoop comment! It sounds suspiciously like the re-writing part of The Script. I hope not, but I'd be inclined to start quietly ... snooping.

Icanseeatree · 22/03/2026 09:23

GarlicFound · 22/03/2026 04:06

OBVIOUSLY this is new behaviour from OP's husband, or she wouldn't have been perturbed by it!

You wouldn't come here to talk about someone deleting messages if they always delete their messages, would you? I don't know what's up with MN these days, seems like almost every thread fills up with numpties saying "Well, I do this thing so everyone else does, too, and you should shut up" 🙄

OP, I'd be narked by it - and even more by his snoop comment! It sounds suspiciously like the re-writing part of The Script. I hope not, but I'd be inclined to start quietly ... snooping.

I was replying to the specific poster I quoted, not the OP, if that reply was aimed at me.

AlongtheWall · 22/03/2026 09:52

He has conversations he doesn’t want you to see. You’re already at a point where you don’t trust him.

Relationship counselling? Or hire a PI?

Soashamed60 · 22/03/2026 09:59

Maybe it's just lads banter & you wouldnt like it. I would object to my dh reading my messages to & from my friends.
I also delete everything I no longer need, as I can't stand a cluttered phone

Farewelltothatid · 22/03/2026 10:55

soupbucket · 21/03/2026 23:19

i don’t nose over his shoulder like a spy, he was sitting with his arm around me with his phone in front of me, its easy to see on WhatsApp in front of my face that it was a whole new chat and the one from earlier had been deleted. He was showing me messages earlier on so that’s why I know it was deleted.

Thinking about it I did ask for his phone to put a song in a queue on Spotify and it seems to have been after that. I didn’t look at anything else just Spotify

Edited

Sorry quoted you by mistake so have edited out my comment.

Farewelltothatid · 22/03/2026 11:00

Soashamed60 · 22/03/2026 09:59

Maybe it's just lads banter & you wouldnt like it. I would object to my dh reading my messages to & from my friends.
I also delete everything I no longer need, as I can't stand a cluttered phone

Just lads banter
If the way he talks with his friends is so disgusting he knows his DW would be disgusted by it then is he really the type of guy she wants to be in a relationship with?
Men who talk in an offensive and misogynistic way with their friends and try and hide it from the women in their lives are hiding their true selves.
Imo if this is what he is trying to hide then it 's pretty serious.

nutbrownhare15 · 22/03/2026 11:00

I would be really offended by this. I have no issues with my husband looking at my phone and he hands his over freely and has no issue with me looking as his messages (I don't go trawling I just mean he's open and has nothing to hide). I agree it sounds like a. he doesn't trust you and b. he has something to hide which is why he's deflecting it back to you