DH deleting messages

[soupbucket]

I don’t know if AIBU here or not, me and DH been out the pub for tea and a few drinks and then come back home, had a nice evening so far and his friend had been messaging while we were out asking if we fancied a visitor for a drink, got home and seen my DH messaging friend and noticed he had deleted all the messages, he was then messaging his ex wife and noticed the same also so couldn’t help asking why he had deleted all the messages. His response was because I’m a snoop so he has to.

Now just for clarity, I have never been through his phone, I have always trusted him 100% no reason not to. I might read his messages if they are in my eyeline when he is on his phone but this has never been an issue. Yeste

This comment is an issue for me, it makes me think he has something to hide, I don’t snoop at all but even if I did what is he hiding? He is welcome to go through my phone all he wants, I literally have nothing to hide.

AIBU to be offended by this or am I being crank?

To be honest if my husband snooped through my phone I would delete things too!

If you're not wanting to read his messages why would it matter if he deletes them?

They are his messages and it is none of your business if he chooses to delete.

I have never read my dh’s messages and he has never read mine, over shoulder or not, neither of us have anything to hide and if there was something to share we would tell each other verbally.

It sounds like he has a point about the snooping. I have no idea if my dh keeps or deletes his messages as I don’t snoop to ever notice such detail, I respect his privacy and right to have 1-1 conversations with whoever he chooses verbally or over text.

You need to reflect and work out if your interest in his private conversations are nosiness, control, or lack of trust in your relationship and deal with that rather than turn it onto him.

I think yabu Everyone has the right to privacy, you say yourself that you read his messages.

I am so glad we didn't have mobile phones when l was married and my ex husband was cheating.. l would have been in a state of mental health decline..

He doesn’t usually delete them and this post I still wouldn’t want to go though his phone. I feel like it’s like reading someone’s diary. If he has messages open in front of me that I can see then am I supposed make a point of turning away so I’m not snooping? His reaction and reasoning don’t sit right with me, he is now not speaking to me because I’ve raised it and I’m being called a crank 🙄

he doesn’t go through my phone but I really wouldn’t have an issue or anything to hide if he did and honestly if he did I would be wondering why he feels like he needed to and that I’d possibly give him some indication he couldn’t trust me.

I am a fan of a tidy inbox, so I delete messages, too... they're nothing serious or shady, but I just don't like the look of a cluttered inbox.

Well not speaking to you and being annoyed because you have raised an issue which is clearly worrying you and upsetting you is not a good sign at all OP.

If there is an innocent explanation for his change in behaviour then he should be willing to talk about things and reassure you. But instead he is calling you names - a crank, a snoop- and refusing to discuss things.

I'm afraid I 'm thinking that the pp who suggested this is the beginning of the Script may be right.

I delete my messages to save storage space. I think him accusing you of being a snoop is the bit that jars, especially if you genuinely don't have form for snooping.

Tbh I'd now live up to the name and carefully do a bit of snooping. Trust is earned until he gives you a reason to think he's broken it. I think everyone has a right to privacy in a relationship but where your gut is telling you something is wrong then I think you also have the right to protect yourself with information.

The snoop insult sounds like dodgy DARVO

Off topic, however, I really don't understand the expectation of readily handing out our phones in a relationship/marriage.

What and why was he messaging his ex wife?

Nope yanbu
I wouldn't like this at all.

But then I don't subscribe to our phones are this little private world that no one can see. Open phone policy here which both of us are very happy with.

What makes you say that the OP knows whether she can trust him? The MN relationships board is constantly littered with threads by women who were sure they could trust their husbands but were proved wrong!

And?

And OP has said she doesn't snoop through his phone.

That is something he is saying to excuse him deleting and to put her off investigating further.
Why does nobody on this site ever read?

If he has messages open in front of me that I can see then am I supposed make a point of turning away so I’m not snooping?

Yes! It's just that simple.

True. I just didn't want her to assume anything. It's easy to go down a rabbit hole and make yourself sick with worry without any need.
Trouble is OP has shown her hand. Better to have been laid back for now.

Why do some MNetters feel they have to be privy to every conversation their partner has?
Do they want them to record every conversation they have while not with you?
Joke obviously… but honestly I find it all a bit claustrophobic.

Op has said he is deleting messages.
Nobody delete random messages within a conversation unless they are colleagues in an info sensitive conversation say for data protection reasons or they are two people up to no good.
Op hasn't said whether her DH and his ex girlfriend and ex wife run a business together and if it's one where sensitive type info could be problematic.

So my guess is he is up to no good.

Quite why everyone is losing their mind as to whether she snoops on his texts is beyond me.
She's obviously not wrong to, is she?

FWIW, neither my DH or I have anything to hide, but we don’t share devices. I’m more private about my phone than he is (I feel weird if someone looks over my shoulder while I’m messaging - even if I’m reading out the content of the messages to them!) But, as that’s how I’ve always been, it doesn’t worry him.

This is a change in behaviour for your DH. If he’d said something more normal/relaxed, like “oh, I realised I hate how cluttered it looks so I’ve started deleting them as soon as I’ve replied”, I imagine you wouldn’t have thought much of it?

The fact that his immediate reflex was to deflect the reason for this change onto you would definitely put me on edge. Accusing you of ‘snooping’ when you’ve never looked through his phone, and you’ve never shown an interest in his messages before, doesn’t make sense. Especially when he’s always been quite open about reading/replying to messages when you’ve been positioned directly in front of his screen (and I really don’t think anyone could claim ‘not twisting your neck to avoid seeing anything’ in that situation classes as being nosy!)

That he’s suddenly claiming he “has to” delete messages in case you ‘snoop’ does seem to suggest he’s worried you might see something on there he’d prefer you not to. There’s always an outside chance it’s just something daft, like you fluked echoing something he’d said/received in a message and he’s come to the conclusion you’ve been going through his phone…but that seems unlikely. Sorry OP, I’d be keeping an eye out for any other changes, or signs of The Script, if I were you.

This ^
I have deleted messages on my phone where I deleted photos/ memes to free up space. If my DH asked I would answer just that. In theory your DH could have a simple explanation for this but he obviously didn’t.

Nobody delete random messages within a conversation unless they are colleagues in an info sensitive conversation say for data protection reasons or they are two people up to no good.

Except, @Lugol , if you had read the thread, you would have seen that there have been several posters on here who say they do. You might not, but that doesn't mean "nobody" does.

That’s true, maybe. He’s also a lot tidier than me. We have so much tech these days, we forget what it was like to have a mobile phone for the first time in the 90s.