Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

[laughloseya]

We got the news a couple of weeks ago that a colleague’s wife is terminally ill. Their daughter is only 23. It is so awful and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I was talking to another colleague about the situation. We are all good friends as well as colleagues and have been for many years, so know the family well. The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23, and that our parents had both died suddenly, we didn’t have to endure watching it happen slowly. She immediately said ‘my uncle died slowly in my 20s, I know exactly what they’re going through’.

And then another colleague mentioned yesterday that she also knew exactly what the family was going through because her grandad had cancer in his 70s.

I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy.

Nobody knows what she's going through and will go through. Even if they're 23 in identical circumstances, they still don't know what the other's going through. Grief is a lonely, personal proess.

It's unique to everyone, and it's also universal. Anyone who's grieved understands there's a bewildering maelstrom of emotions to work through, the psychological adjustments that feel so alien, the inordinate length of time it takes to settle.

When they tell you of their bereavements, they're telling you this. They aren't pretending to know exactly what this specific woman's experiencing. It's weird to feel they should!

But you shoe horned it into your post whilst criticising others for doing the same.

O.P, I understand what you are saying. You aren't saying grief is a competition but I think logically of course it is particularly sad the younger the child is when they lose their parents. That's not saying anything about anyone else's grief. I do also feel is can be a bit insensitive for people to say they know what they are going through when it's say a grandparent or an uncle, unless that person brought them up and was a parent figure, then it is different. I hear you.

Yes, it is.

Itay not be expressing it well, but it is expressing empathy.

They're not trying to say "This is exactly the same situation I went through", they're saying "I recognise that you are feeling something utterly incomprehensible, which I did too, despite the details being different"

They're not trying to make this about them, they're trying to tell the other person that they're not alone, that they understand, even if really, they can't understand, because grief is completely different for everyone. Everyone's situation is slightly different, everyone feels slightly different, but that doesn't mean you can't still understand the other person's grief.

No idea who you we re replying to?

however, you can only say say how either experience (or both, affected YOU). I have been through both & for ME each way has been hard in different ways. I absolutely couldn't say either were easier/harder, just different.

Honestly it just depends on your perspective and people are just trying to put themselves in another’s shoes,

I lost my mother in my 20’s from a long illness and it was hard but it’s hard to say goodbye to your mother at any age. We had an uncle die suddenly and it was so shocking and overwhelming that it took about a year to process that he was dead at all. On the other hand it was also hard to watch my mother fade away.

It’s all hard. People are just going to go to their most similar experience of loss and try to empathise.

I actually think you’re being unfair.

Grief is grief. The age you lose somebody important is irrelevant, it’s how present they are in your life when you lose them,
You are ranking grief, I don’t think that’s helpful to anyone. Losing a parent as a single person with no social circle at the age of 50, for example, versus at 24 with a good support network is very different.

I haven't read the whole thread but grief is grief. That's it. Everyone hurts when they lose someone.

I don’t think you are making such sense in your desperation to criticise.

YABVVVVVU

I think that comment is very applicable to you.

What do you want from this thread?

Age is important.

In your opinion

The only criticism I can see is yours trying to criticise others for speaking about their personal losses then you go and do the same in your post. How would I know you lost your mum if you hadn't shoe horned it in to your post criticising others for shoe Horning in your own words their losses?

To you apparently, and to those who think it's important to them. To those who don't think it's important, it isn't.

But what right do you have to think you can police what people say or feel you dont get to control like this if people have a problem they are free to say something

I mean, I don’t think it’s ever a good look to immediately counter with “oh I know what that’s like” when discussing someone else’s unfortunate situation - the conversation should just be about that situation. But sounds like the colleague whose wife is terminally ill wasn’t present either time so it’s not exactly the height of unfeeling rudeness.

I don't think people are necessarily trying to downplay how awful something is.
A sudden, unexpected death can be more difficult than an expected one , irrespective of age. It's the suddenness, the lack of being able to mentally prepare. I wouldn't presume that a 23 year old losing their parent to an illness (when they know it's coming) is worse than a 40 year old losing their parent suddenly in an accident .Both will grieve immensely.
People are different, and so are their relationship dynamics. It's not for any one person to decide whose situation is the most awful.

Having lost a brother when we were both under 10 and then my husband in his 30s when our DC were 5 and 7 I’ve had all sorts of daft comments over the years. They weren’t meant to hurt - mostly the very opposite. And it doesn’t matter. We’re all just walking each other home. Imperfectly, but most of us are doing our best. Let it go.

You have more emotional empathy and intelligence than these people. It happens.

@laughloseya you’re upset and that’s understandable. Nothing is going to be better about this young woman or her family’s shock tomorrow morning as a result of this conversation. It’s outwith your control.

Yes? Same as the opinion I was replying to then?

I don't think it's that cut and dry. You might have found losing a loved one suddenly preferable to watching them die slowly, but many other people would give anything for the chance to say everything they wanted to say and make last memories. Neither is wrong, but it's not your place to minimise someone else's loss.

A close friend lost a parent in her early 20's. It was awful and she grieves the milestones she'll have to face without them. But she was surrounded by people who wanted to support her, and had the freedom to fall apart.

My mum lost a parent in her 30's and said the hardest part was having to be strong and hold it together for her children, she didn't have the freedom to fall apart. She had small children who were sad and needed reassurance, a household that still needed to run, and bills to pay. But she got to have that parent for more of her adult life.

It's not a competition and there's no point deciding who got the worst deal... just concentrate on supporting your friend.

Who the hell do you think you are to try and tell people what’s the “same” and what’s not in terms of death and grief?

Vile vile vile thread.

Thank you.
I had my girl for FIFTY LONG YEARS.
But when she got sick she was 3000 miles away across the country from me so I never saw her declining.
Towsrda the end, her family went back there, but I wasn’t included — which was cruel for both of us.
I called her every other day, and she always sounded good - like my girl.
So no, I couldn’t prepare because she seemed just like.
Then one day my sister called me and told me my girl had dued.
And that was it.
The end.
Curtains.
She’s alive in my heart ❤️
Every now and then I remind my auntie that I haven’t forgotten our girl.
I can’t decide if I should do that or not.