AIBU about mum and wedding?

[EwwPeople]

Not even sure what the actual question is here. It just feels like I’m in the wrong (as usual).

Told mum at Christmas I am getting married and we’re looking at dates in the Easter holidays. Just a small registry office thingy. She said her and a friend were looking at holidays around that time. Ok, fair enough. Once booked , I told her the date, she said her friend had booked the holiday on that date without telling her and had already paid the deposit. I said not to worry, enjoy herself, it’s not a big thing anyway etc. If I’m entirely honest, I didn’t really want her there anyway, so I suppose that’s why I’m feeling guilty anyway.

A couple of days ago she made a big deal about her not being there , and said I can’t post pictures of it on SM. Felt really bad for her , so I told her of course she’s invited , so don’t think she wasn’t, it’s just the dates clashed due to no one’s fault and I wanted her to enjoy her holiday and not feel any pressure and reiterated that if she chose the holiday that was fine with me etc. Turns out that what she’s actually cross about is what other people (her family) will say. Which pissed me off as it has always been about image and what other people say. Oh they’ll say this, they’ll ask that, I’m the one that has to talk to them and see them.

I’m annoyed because she’s not actually upset about missing it(or she might be, but that’s not the main reason) but aboutthe reaction of other people that she is, and that now she expects me to manage that. It’s why I didn’t want her there to begin with. Because she’d make it all about her, and how things should be , and how things look and what will people say. I still feel guilty/bad for her though. I also have a DD and can’t imagine not being there on her wedding day, but we also have a very different relationship and I’m a very different kind of mother , so I might just be projecting .

Like I said, don’t even know what I’m asking, just having a massive rant.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mum, so sending sympathy.
Ignore her nonsense as best you can, which is easier said than done I know. My mum was one of the reasons i delayed my wedding for years.

Given your relationship with your mother, it sounds an entirely excellent idea not to have her there.

Can you arrange something Instagramable for when she returns, like a “celebration“ dinner or party or some such affair? Need not be big but something that she can tell her world is the main event, when really you know it isn’t.

Are you looking for a way to appease her? If so, suggest a mother and daughter pre wedding/holiday spa day or similar and let her post on SM about it. She gets to save face and you get your (hopefully) drama free wedding day.

Snap @HoppityBun

Post whatever you want on you SM. When she complains she told you not to, (as if it's not your social media and you're an adult), just say you forgot. @HoppityBun has a good suggestion, distract her with that.

I see why you don't want her there.

Now that she said it, I can’t. Well I can, but it won’t feel nice/good/right.It’s hard to explain. I’ll have a look at the settings and making the album private/ not share with the particular people that are the issue ,which is a good compromise in my eyes.

Not sure. I thought it was sorted (in a good way for me, selfish I know). She goes on a sunny holiday , I’m having a small ceremony without too much fuss(which is what I really wanted). Then she starts this bs, with tears and shouting and demands out of nowhere, with 3 weeks to go. What am I supposed to do about it anyway?

I think sadness or even anger at your mum would be a more appropriate emotion than feeling guilty OP. Maybe relief that the drama queen won't be there.

If my daughter told me she was getting married at Easter, the only response would be 'Amazing! Im so happy for you' and my week in Marbella would be immediately on hold until your dates were set.

She clearly demonstrated her priorities. She doesn't get to play victim now for being cold & disinterested in her daughter's major life events.

I hope you have a lovely day with special people around you 💐share your happy memories with whoever you wish, however you wish & don't waste another moment feeling bad.

Reply :
'I told you the dates, you chose to go on holiday. I'm not discussing it any more'

On repeat. Forever.

You are not being selfish. She could choose to delay or cancel her holiday. You mention 'demands' what exactly are her demands?

ETA: I am being stuipid, just realised it's likely to the demand not to post on SM. Either ignore her or remind her that you are an adult \and dopnt require parental permission for anything.

But hang on this is all her fault. Why are you bending over backwards and agreeing to her mad nonsense?

if my daughter had announced that she was getting married at Easter the very first thing I would’ve done was speak to the friend with whom I was going on holiday and say very clearly that she needed to clear dates with me in advance. Either your mother didn’t do that (which I suspect) or the friend has just gone off and done it anyway. If it’s the latter, then I would’ve made it clear that it was for the friend to try and re-organise the holiday, losing the deposit if necessary, because there was no way I would be going and I had warned them that I needed to clear dates in advance.

Or if I knew the friend was a bit sketchy, in all likelihood I would’ve said that the holiday for Easter needs to be put on hold and not to book anything until I knew the date for your wedding.

If your mother has chosen to prioritise the holiday, then that’s absolutely her right, and it sounds like you are not bothered about that. But then what she can’t do is start turning around and putting conditions on who you share your wedding photographs with as a result of that choice.

I would simply just say to her “mum you are of course invited if you’re around, if not then please don’t worry but I’m not prepared to agree to restrictions on who I share this very happy news with and how”. If she doesn’t like it then just shrug, say that’s a shame, ignore her or go very low contact until after the event.

If my DD told me she was planning her wedding at a similar time that I was planning a trip with a friend - my trip would wait. I would tell my friend, who would obviously understand, and once I had your date for your wedding, I would book my trip around it. I would do this because I would 100% want to be there.

It sounds like you've got the best result here OP. Your Mum is being selfish and performative. But this is your wedding day and is absolutely not about her. If she truly cared she would have prioritised your wedding day over a trip with a friend that I'm sure she could have booked to avoid your date.

Congratulations by the way! Have a fabulous day, the day YOU want. And post what you are happy with on SM. Your Mum will just have to cope.

You don’t need to do anything - you told her the dates and she’s chosen the holiday. Not your fault

As for her telling you not to post about YOUR wedding on YOUR social media?! I would have just laughed

She’s a narcissist and is just not keen on her family and friends seeing this very clearly…

Is it that she doesn’t want you to post photos on SM until she’s home and has seen them all/heard all about it, or she’s against you posting any of them at all?

**
If it’s the latter, that’s completely unfair. You should be proud of your wedding and how amazing you both looked and excited to post the photos to show family and friends. Often they’re the best photos you’ll ever have of yourself, would be such a shame not to be able to share
them!

Yeah. When she confirmed she was away, I was actually happy/relieved. Who does/feels like that? It’s probably why I feel guilty and like I’m in the wrong somehow. It’s fucked up, I know. I do love her and I think she does love me(in her own way), she’s just not the mother I needed and I’m not the daughter she wanted. 🤷‍♀️

100%!

Not to post them at all so people who are apparently bitching I’m not married yet, won’t know I got married and she wasn’t there.

Post your pics. Have a huge canvas made for your lounge.
And she can stfu.
FYI I've been married 4 times. Dm wasn't invited to any of them.
Because the day wasn't going to be about her..
Block your dm on sm. Then she can't see anything can she? Problem solved.

Does your mum use social media, if so will she be posting pictures of her on holiday?

Your mother is ranting at the wrong person! She should be ranting at her friend, who booked a holiday without consulting her on dates first (unless you told the friend when you were getting married, behind your mother's back, and said book the holiday then...).

Your mum is totally in the wrong and sounds like a selfish, self absorbed and shit parent. I am sorry. You need to get angry rather than guilty. ‘You had the choice to come or not. Stop the hysteria, I’m not letting you ruin my special day’.

@BackIn20 I don’t think that is entirely fair, her friend had booked the dates without checking with her first. OP didn’t check the dates with her DM either before booking

When we were looking for dates for our wedding at a particular venue, ran them past parents, my parents had holiday booked over one of the dates so we didn’t choose that one. Didn’t expect parents to cancel their holiday

It really is small. We’re talking 8 people (including witnesses and DD) .

She lives in another country, so while we talk nearly daily, we only see each other once a year when she comes over for a month. It could be more often , but she won’t come just for a week or two, or if I’m working and so on.She also prefers for her to come over as it’s cooler over here.I plan to actually go over for 2 weeks this year as it will be easier to manage.