AIBU about mum and wedding?

[EwwPeople]

Not even sure what the actual question is here. It just feels like I’m in the wrong (as usual).

Told mum at Christmas I am getting married and we’re looking at dates in the Easter holidays. Just a small registry office thingy. She said her and a friend were looking at holidays around that time. Ok, fair enough. Once booked , I told her the date, she said her friend had booked the holiday on that date without telling her and had already paid the deposit. I said not to worry, enjoy herself, it’s not a big thing anyway etc. If I’m entirely honest, I didn’t really want her there anyway, so I suppose that’s why I’m feeling guilty anyway.

A couple of days ago she made a big deal about her not being there , and said I can’t post pictures of it on SM. Felt really bad for her , so I told her of course she’s invited , so don’t think she wasn’t, it’s just the dates clashed due to no one’s fault and I wanted her to enjoy her holiday and not feel any pressure and reiterated that if she chose the holiday that was fine with me etc. Turns out that what she’s actually cross about is what other people (her family) will say. Which pissed me off as it has always been about image and what other people say. Oh they’ll say this, they’ll ask that, I’m the one that has to talk to them and see them.

I’m annoyed because she’s not actually upset about missing it(or she might be, but that’s not the main reason) but aboutthe reaction of other people that she is, and that now she expects me to manage that. It’s why I didn’t want her there to begin with. Because she’d make it all about her, and how things should be , and how things look and what will people say. I still feel guilty/bad for her though. I also have a DD and can’t imagine not being there on her wedding day, but we also have a very different relationship and I’m a very different kind of mother , so I might just be projecting .

Like I said, don’t even know what I’m asking, just having a massive rant.

OP, she sounds absolutely awful.
Do not allow her bullshit to overshadow your special day.
Is so much contact with her really in your best interest?
You mind yourself and have a lovely day.

Your mother is A-typical narc quality. She will make everything about her and everything about you she will minimise, dismiss or try to ruin or overshadow. Of course it is about what everyone else thinks instead of how you feel. I would take out a fucking spread in every single paper i could just to show her up for the selfish cow she is. No doubt if she came to your wedding she would make it all about her. This is what they do. There is a narc mother script. Stately homes threads has amazing advice.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. I am sorry you are dealing with a selfish mother at this time.

Ultimately she should have made sure to let friend know to pause booking any dates due to your wedding planning. She did not communicate with her friends and she is putting pressure on you to bend to her will. Tell her you won’t be moving it and if she really wants to save face as such - she will need to move her holiday - and you won’t hear anymore about it. Let her stew.

I feel sorry for you but at the same time you need to grow up a little bit. Your mum has no right to demand that of you, you've no reason whatsoever to feel guilty for celebrating your happy day and posting on SM.

I suggest you get some therapy and break free of the shackles of her approval. She isn't a good mother if she chooses a random holiday over her own daughter's wedding.

You'll have this toxic relationship the rest of her life if you don't do something now. Find the courage. How would you feel if she behaved like this to your DD? It's not on.

She sounds insufferable. Do you really need to appease her? Sounds like this is entirely on her. All she had to do was tell her friend a holiday around easter was off limits.

Enjoy your day without her dragging you down and post as many pictures as you want.

Tell her to manage her own attitude and feelings. They're hers not yours, so she can deal with people's comments as she's the one who's chosen to be absent. She's controlling your special day in telling you not to share your wedding photos which is very unreasonable of her.

This ⬆️ You just do this. No pandering, faffing about with privacy settings, hiding your happy news and worrying about who might see what. Please don’t do any of that, because it’s not fool proof, she’ll still be mad that you put it in social media at all. So you might as well go the whole hog and take control of your own wedding and news.

You’re not a mug. You grew up with someone awful and adapted certain survival behaviours. But you don’t need them any more. How she deals with the consequences of her own decisions is up to her to manage.

When you told your Mum at Christmas, that you were planning a small wedding around Easter, most Mum's would have said 'Oh that's amazing news, my friend Laura and I were looking at going on holiday around that time, but I will tell her I need to postpone booking, until you're booked your wedding date'. They'd have rung/text their friend to explain, that yes we can still go away but I can't confirm dates until my daughter has booked her wedding.

Your Mum very clearly didn't do any of the above!! She didn't tell her friend of the impending wedding or the need to wait to book their holiday. I'd be questioning if her friend really did just book the holiday without checking with your Mum beforehand. Your Mum has now realised how odd it's going to look to other people that she's not attending your wedding. So she's having a panic.

If anyone asks you, I'd be honest. It's not your problem to solve. I do wonder if your Mum is feeling guilty because she knows she's put the holiday before you!!

Frankly if the wedding was such a big deal she should have told her friend the Easter holiday was off as soon as you said around Easter. They could have pushed it back to May. She should definitely have warned her friend not to book anything until she knew your dates.

If she can’t do adulting and prioritise like a grown-up, that’s not your problem.

Hello everyone, just wanted to say I’m not ignoring this thread and still reading every reply. I’m just reeling from some home truths and reading that article and processing it all. That also means a lot memories and things from the past are cropping up and other things she did or failed to do. I don’t want to post about that and turn this into more of a pity party than it already is, so not quite sure what to say. Especially sinceI don’t have it in meto go NC , which is what everyone would probably recommend. I can’t hurt her like that (and it would hurt her), no matter how much she’s hurt me. Sorry, rambling agan.

However , I do appreciate and I am reading every single reply and the advice given.

I was brought up to treat others how I expect to be treated. However your mum has continually let you down. Start treating her like she treats you.

If it hurts her then so be it. Ypu dont owe her anything. She doesn't sound like she has you as one of her priorities.

So really what she is doing is

1. exactly what she wants.. going on holiday
2. no intention of changing her plans for your benefit
3. Still wants to play the victim
4. Still wants control the information, make sure she's not missing out on any drama. Doesn't want anyone to know she chose not to be present. So she wants to release the photos when she wants to make it look like she played a part.
5. will complain that you deliberately scheduled your wedding during her holiday because someone has to be the villain of her drama and at no point will she want it to be her

All of this is reputational PR on her part. And she would probably find something to fuss about because it sounds like she has main character syndrome.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.. but one thing I do absolutely know for sure.... according to her you will be wrong whatever you do - so you may as well do exactly what you want. She is already making a big fuss...and will find something to complain about so what's the difference even if you give into her, will that put a stop to it? I doubt it.

Don't bother explaining or justifying beforehand.. That will be interpreted as asking her permission and it sounds like that will be denied. Just do it. Apologise afterwards - just once if you really feel you have to.

The spa day is a nice idea but I think someone who behaves in this way would just have a go at you in a place where you can't readily escape so there's no way to do this before the wedding.

You've got three weeks. Just focus on your day and your lovely DH and try to ignore the tantrum. People always say its not about a wedding its about a marriage and she can't make a fuss about that. Don't let it colour your day if at all possible, you are embarking on your new future life together.

It’s definitely more about the marriage/relationship for me and OH , rather than the day/wedding , which is why it’s a small , unfussy affair. OH kept having to remind me of things I might want/need.

Just seen your update.
Don't go NC if you don't want to.
Do continue with your wedding plans just as you want them.
She's not going to be there , by choice - so there's no point discussing it... just nod and say I hear what you are saying and do exactly what you want.

That's less drastic than NC... but maybe a slightly lower C is the way forward.. not putting yourself in difficult situations... so managing the situation so that you are meeting in neutral places, and not for as long, it might help the relationship anyway if it means less opportunity for things getting heated.
Wishing you all the very best for your big day and hoping all your (other) preparations are going well.

Everything that @DuckbilledSplatterPuff has said OP. Look up the "grey rock method" too, short of NC it is very effective at protecting you from emotional abuse from narcissistic people.
All the best on your upcoming big day

She knew you were planning April and she should have waited until you confirmed the date before booking a holiday.
when she starts her drama tell her it’s not too late to cancel her holiday and come.
and get it all over SM. She does not dictate what you share on social media or you wanting to share your joy on your wedding day.

You just need to be strong and stop concerning yourself with opinions of other people. Do what YOU want to do. And if other people don’t like it, tough!!!!

She knew roughly when you were planning the wedding and didn’t tell her friend to hold off booking anything (if you even believe that version of events), that’s her problem. Do not give in to any demands. If people say something about her not being there you just say she had the option to come and chose to go on holiday instead! It’s the truth! Do not private anything on social media if you don’t want to, she doesn’t get a say in how you share your news.

I'm also having a small registry office wedding in 3 weeks and I simply haven’t told my mum as she would make it all about her too. She was a nightmare with my sister’s wedding. She’ll find out after the fact and if she doesn’t like that it’s tough! Should have been a better mother!

This!!

Can you or have you had some counselling about your narcissistic mother op?

Stately Homes thread has lots of resources you might find helpful.

Speaking to your mum daily and hosting her for a month doesn’t sound like a good idea when she treats you these ways.

Don’t seek to appease her. Post what you want after your wedding on your social media. If your mum reacts badly, let her.

Sounds like there's more to this though...
Her mother sounds like a narcissist who is more upset about keeping up appearances rather than actually missing her DDs wedding day.
The fact that OP was relieved her DM couldn't attend speaks volumes...

I agree with a PP that the mother’s holiday was already booked/in the very late stages of booking at the time OP mentioned the wedding.
Instead of OP actually communicating with her mother, she’s put her in the position of letting down the friend and losing a lot of money.
I think OP was actually hoping that the mother would double book herself.
So very sad

Not quite. The timeline was more , told mum we couldn’t get anything over Christmas so we’re looking at Easter hols and the dates of the holidays. She said her friend was looking to book a holiday over that time as well but she didn’t know when she would book or the exact dates. I told her I’ll let her know as soon as I get a concrete date.

The day I told her(two weeks later) she said the friend had booked the holiday that same morning without telling her and the dates are clashing. Told her not to worry about it and enjoy her holiday.

About a month ago she asked what day is the wedding again? I told her and asked why. She said she hoped something had changed. I laughed and said “don’t be silly, I told you it was all booked and paid for.” . She said she’s leaving for her holiday on the same date. Once again told her it’s fine, and to enjoy it.

Then last week we had this drama.

. I was already honest and said I was kind of hoping she won’t be there/ felt relief at the dates clashing so that argument is not exactly a gotcha.

But why didn’t you liaise more with her before booking your own wedding. You effectively told her when you’d paid your deposit.