AIBU about mum and wedding?

[EwwPeople]

Not even sure what the actual question is here. It just feels like I’m in the wrong (as usual).

Told mum at Christmas I am getting married and we’re looking at dates in the Easter holidays. Just a small registry office thingy. She said her and a friend were looking at holidays around that time. Ok, fair enough. Once booked , I told her the date, she said her friend had booked the holiday on that date without telling her and had already paid the deposit. I said not to worry, enjoy herself, it’s not a big thing anyway etc. If I’m entirely honest, I didn’t really want her there anyway, so I suppose that’s why I’m feeling guilty anyway.

A couple of days ago she made a big deal about her not being there , and said I can’t post pictures of it on SM. Felt really bad for her , so I told her of course she’s invited , so don’t think she wasn’t, it’s just the dates clashed due to no one’s fault and I wanted her to enjoy her holiday and not feel any pressure and reiterated that if she chose the holiday that was fine with me etc. Turns out that what she’s actually cross about is what other people (her family) will say. Which pissed me off as it has always been about image and what other people say. Oh they’ll say this, they’ll ask that, I’m the one that has to talk to them and see them.

I’m annoyed because she’s not actually upset about missing it(or she might be, but that’s not the main reason) but aboutthe reaction of other people that she is, and that now she expects me to manage that. It’s why I didn’t want her there to begin with. Because she’d make it all about her, and how things should be , and how things look and what will people say. I still feel guilty/bad for her though. I also have a DD and can’t imagine not being there on her wedding day, but we also have a very different relationship and I’m a very different kind of mother , so I might just be projecting .

Like I said, don’t even know what I’m asking, just having a massive rant.

This. Never give danegeld ever.

Congratulations on your wedding! I was a spring bride too, and had a very low key wedding.

my dad decided (ahead of time) not to attend, I was very upset but life goes on & he’d proven unreliable all my life, I was lucky he let me know to be honest.

I genuinely thought right up to the point of leaving the house that he would have a change of heart and at least be outside to see me in my wedding dress, I suppose that was my inner child.

I did nearly cry when the registrar said ‘and all of the people who love you that are here today’ because it summed up the truth - this really was ALL the people who loved me, and it didn’t include my dad. It wasn’t the first time in my life I had realised it, but it was the moment I accepted it.

I did post some wedding photos to Facebook and nobody who knew him well (and what sort of parent he was) asked about his absence, it wasn’t the big surprise to people that he thought it would be. I have no idea what he said to anyone who may have asked him, likely some lie that made me the problem and him the victim.

I would suggest that if you really want to honour this agreement with your mum that you won’t post, that if your soon to be DH doesn’t have social media yet, that he sets up an FB account now, sets his account settings to ‘friends of tagged’, posts your wedding pictures and tags you in the post. You then tag yourself in every photo. Your mum has no remit whatsoever to tell your husband that he can’t post his own wedding (she has no right to be telling you either) but this is the only way round it I can think of.

I hope you have a really wonderful day xx

Course you can. Don't let her blight your nice day like this. She can tell the truth if anyone asks why she's not there. It's not your fault and it's entirely her choice. She doesn't get to dictate limitations on how you celebrate the wedding she's not even arsed to go to. She might well have said it but you can say things too. You can say "I thought about it but I want people to see the photos, it's important to me and if anyone asks you about it, just say it clashed with your holiday, which is true." If that makes her look/feel bad, it's entirely on her not on you.

Ignoring her madness and crack on. You’re not 12, she can’t tell you not to post stuff on social media!

Time to be the adult you clearly are. Post whatever you want it is your wedding why in earth are you obeying the party line.

She put her holiday over your wedding day so doesn’t get to call the shots.

That’s what i told her. Just explain she’s on holiday and if she really wants to she can always blame my partner for booking it on that date. There actually is a true and reasonable explanation for the way things turned out. It’s not like I’m having a huge church wedding and party after and she’s the only one not invited. OH’s family won’t attend either. But apparently “you don’t know these people and the comments they’ll make and the questions they’ll ask. How do you think it feels for me to answer all that?”.

I had something similar. I got engaged and she told me she's busy every weekend at a hobby. I said so you'll miss your child's wedding to go watch that? And i think she realised how ridiculous it sounded and said of course not. She's also all about perception outside the family.

After my wedding she rang out the blue and said shes looking for a cheap wedding dress, where did I get mine.

My dress wasn't cheap and honestly I felt beautiful on the day, even though I didn't lose weight or drastically change myself beforehand. I did my own makeup and nails, I looked like myself.

I honestly think seeing me happy, and loved by my husband just as I am, but not meeting her standards clearly, enraged her and she just had to try bring me down.

Anyway all this to say, screw her OP. It's your wedding and your life. If you had a daughter how would you want her to feel on her wedding day, you deserve that too 💕

I've reached a point where i don't feel the need to appease her, you would be doing nothing wrong posting the photos, and if people ask where your mother is, you can say "she was on holiday :)" with your head held high. She is trying to bully you into maintaining her public perception. Not your job!

You did the right thing telling her that, but don't cave at the emotional blackmail bs "how do you think it feels for me...?". It's your wedding day. For once in your life, don't give a flying fuck how it feels for her. That's entirely her problem to deal with. She's not caring how it feels for you to have her bawling at you like this when you should be having a happy time. Honestly, grey rock and do what you want to do. How she feels is for her to manage. You're her child. Her (self-induced) upset is not your responsibility and there's no reason to feel bad for being relieved she's not at the wedding. Anyone sane would have that reaction.

But apparently “you don’t know these people and the comments they’ll make and the questions they’ll ask. How do you think it feels for me to answer all that?”

I don't know mum, I'm not sure why you went ahead with the holiday if that was going to upset you so much dumbass

Post whatever photos you want, you told her the date and she chose to go on holiday over her daughters wedding.

fuck her, she obviously has her priorities in the wrong place,

Well if, as your mum says, you don't know these people, why on earth would they be looking at your posts on social media anyway?

Your mum sounds very self-centred and she obviously makes everything about her. If she really was a decent and caring mum, she would never have agreed to go on holiday and miss her daughter's wedding.

OP, respectfully, you will have a much more enjoyable wedding without your mother present, and it’s not your job to manage her emotions about missing it and her family and friends having their own opinions about a woman who chooses a holiday over her child’s wedding.

Post whatever you like, whenever you like, and ask yourself why you’re even contemplating colluding in your mother’s attempt to not look bad in front of other people whose opinion she values over yours. It’s her decision. She needs to deal with the consequences.

Enjoy your wedding!

Why?
Honest answer, I’m a mug. I tend to hold my own and ignore her bs most of the time, but sometimes it does get to me.

Who does/feels like that?

Children of parents with narcissistic traits, for one. There's a long standing thread over in Relationships called we took you to stately homes, check that out. Also check out an online essay, Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers, available free online

That's a good honest answer, but knowing that as you do, cease to be a mug. Especially on this matter. Make this the line you draw and move forward from no longer being a mug. You get married your way, you stop being a mug, your mum lumps it, you live happily ever after tuning out the manipulative guilt-tripping bs.

Turn it round. Ask her point blank what she would like you to do about it? Then wait for her to offer suggestions. If she wants to cancel her holiday, that's up to her.

But she'll just say she wants OP to not post pictures etc. Fuck what mum wants. OP doesn't need any suggestions about that. What OP wants is all that matters. She's better off not engaging. "It's my wedding day, mum. I'm doing it my way. Enjoy your holiday." Words to that effect and then disengaging if necessary.

Fuck me. Didn’t even read it all, because I couldn’t. But… fuck me.

How unfair that the build up to your special day is being overshadowed. At the end of the day though, she already knows she is in the wrong because she has started to second guess what it will look like to people.... And she's right. She's being completely unreasonable and has been from the start. I suspect the relief in not having her there may have slightly masked the realisation of how unfairly she is treating you. Do what you want, do not feel an ounce of guilt. It's not up to you to not share your joy with other people just to cover up her shortcomings! And really, imagine how you would feel if this was coming from your fiancé? If she has to explain herself to others, then let her face the concequences of her awful treatment of you! Have a wonderful wonderful day, and don't think of this for another single second! Many congratulations!

It’s your wedding, not your mother’s. You get to choose what you do and how you do it. Something to the tune of “Mum, I love you very much, but this is my wedding, I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can and I’m going to do things my way. What I need from you is to support that and be happy for me.” might be worth a go. And if it doesn’t work, try to tune out her drama and do it your way anyway. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Hope you have a wonderful wedding!

Hardly.
Told mum at Christmas I am getting married and we’re looking at dates in the Easter holidays

At this point (December) any normal Mum says to their friend 'Easter weeks are out, because I've had the really exciting news that our Eww is getting married and I wouldn't miss it!'
And if friend responds 'oh no, I've already booked Málaga and the deposit is non returnable' a normal mum tells her daughter straight away before the booking is made in case OP really wanted her there (like you did your parents).

The only unfair part is OP feeling like shit for nothing of her own doing.

The responsibility is hers, you told her it was happening she didn't immediately lift the phone to her friend and cancel the holiday. She is purely concerned about how this makes her look, not how it makes you feel. If she wants to organise or host a celebration meal for when she returns what's stopping her, it's not up to you to arrange that to make her feel better, you are doing nothing wrong here and don't let old wounds and patterns from your life with her come into play and make you the bad guy who has to make it up to her

Enjoy your wedding day. Post whatever you want to share. Ignore your mother. It's not about her.

I don't believe that her friend had already booked and paid a deposit.