All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

I’m with you OP. I’m a dog walker and mostly walk around some quiet fields at the back of our house. Sometimes I’ve come across men who just give me the creeps and I’ve been really glad I’ve got the dog with me. It is a gut instinct that kicks in out of the blue and it is really unpleasant.

Wait, this account has changed from your OP.

In your OP you didn't say "he kept looking back at me", you said "I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped".

So which was it because it makes a difference?

If it was the latter then that doesn't sound even slightly worrying. You must have been walking quite a bit faster than him to catch him up. If I am out walking and I hear someone coming up behind me who is obviously going faster than I am then I do usually stand to one side to let them go past, especially if the path is narrow. It's just polite.

If the former then I agree it would be a bit disconcerting if he kept looking back at you. But I am surprised you didn't mention this very relevant information at the start.

I have not voted because, while in principle I agree that decent men should think about how their presence might seem intimidating to women in certain situations and try to avoid that, I am genuinely struggling to see how this man could have behaved differently.

Maybe he was nervous that changed direction to follow him

Op Vanessa on lbc had a radio talk in last year I think saying all the things women do sub consciously to protected themselves from men all the time .it was quite shocking

Um... what? Do you have a main character syndrome or something, and think the world revolves around you? You met a man who was going in the opposite direction, and YOU turned around and followed him. He was walking and minding his own, then stopped to pull something out of his backpack. You walked past, nothing happened. Oh yes, he had long hair and 'gave you vibes'.

Jesus. No, I wouldn't be teaching my son to kowtow to neurotic females, seriously. Thanks.

You turned and followed him. So you’re ok to stop and turn around and follow him but he can’t stop and look in his backpack? Maybe you made him feel uncomfortable

The guy displayed normal behaviour. He looked back because you changed direction and followed him. He was looking out for his own safety. Men are allowed to do that. If mens normal behaviour to a situation worries you so much maybe you shouldn't go out. Men shouldn't have to suddenly disappear to appease you. He did nothing wrong.

Exactly!

I walk every day - on my own. I go on walking holidays in the UK and more often abroad when I walk every day - on my own. I prefer quiet walking routes and if I see other people and want to maintain a good distance, I slow my pace or stop for a while to let them get well ahead of me before I resume my walk.

I don't turn back on myself and follow someone who's passed me, in case they double back for the purpose of following me. That is just bizarre!

And if I realised someone I'd just passed was now a few feet behind me, yes, I would stop and let them pass me. I don't want some stranger walking behind me - that would be at best weird and annoying and at worst, intimidating.

How does it harm a man for a woman to trust her gut and get to safety if she feels something is off? You just look like a bit of a twat if you’re wrong. I can’t believe you’re telling women to ignore gut instincts to appease the feelings of random men who don’t even know what she’s thinking?

Exactly! This thread has become as bizarre as the OP is.

It's the OP who acted oddly. The guy did the sensible thing and stopped so that this person almost on his heels, could pass.

This poster summed it up, really. This guy couldn't win

He was a man (god help him) walking towards you, who passed you, paying you no heed, who later turned round to see if he needed to move aside to let the person he could see/hear/feel behind him pass, then stopped because he wanted to let the very odd woman who had suddenly decided to turn round and follow him, get past and out of his space. While stopped he thought he might as well have a sip of water/fag/stick of chewing gum/breather.

I don't think there is a parallel. Women are indeed far more likely to be killed by a man they know (a relative, husband or ex) than a stranger and it's usually the culmination of DV over a period of time. As you say, the violence takes place behind closed doors, in secret and with nobody else around or any CCTV. But the idea that a man in a changing room in the middle of a busy sports centre or department store with many other people around, probably some kind of security and definitely CCTV would murder a woman is not a comparable scenario. What are the statistics of women being murdered by strange men in changing rooms?

Maybe he did hear you, so he turned around to check, and was surprised to see the person who just walked past him suddenly tailing him.

He probably felt it would be very awkward for you to slowly try to overtake him, so he stopped and started fiddling with his bag to give you time to get some personal space.

This particular man wasn't behind the OP at any point.

She, on the other hand, deliberately changed direction so that she could be behind him, and seems to have sped up to do so.

So, if anyone was intimidating in this scenario, it was the OP.

You can't live your life in fear. Are you usually this fearful? I walk alone in the woods every day listening to true crime podcasts no less! I encounter the odd lone man enjoying a walk. I rationally know that he would have ample opportunity to attack me but the chance of this happening are very small. The person above who said 'this is what Rachel nickel thought too' has identified an awful tragedy but one that happens so rarely. You are more likely to die in your car but most people get in one regularly.

That isnt what shes saying at all. When he looked over his shoulder and saw OP he stopped and fumbled in his rucksack while she passed him. I would have felt anxious at that point, anticipating him getting a weapon or something from his bag. It was intimidating and OP means it is this action that men should be aware of

I think you sound batshit tbh.
You walked past him, he continued to walk in the direction he was going which was the opposite direction to you. You got some silly arse 'bad vibes' that scared the shit out of you so much you thought 'I know what would be a good idea, turn round and walk in the same direction as that bloke that I think could be a potential rapist or murderer'
Yeah, that idea made sense... 🙄

And OP should be aware that following somebody is intimidating, and that he stopped to safeguard himself. Why should he put up with Op following him to prevent ops hurty feelings?

You were being kind of weird, op. He probably was waiting to let you go by since you were walking faster.

Exactly and he did nothing to her! She was the weirdo here not him. But he’s a man so..

Exactly! the thing that baffles me is she turned round and followed him, and was only a few feet behind!! That is VERY close to be walking behind someone and it would make me nervous too if I was him, I'd be wondered why they turned to follow me, and I why they aren't going past me, like him, I would 100% force them into an overtake in those circumstances.

I can't understand OPs thinking? Seeing a lone male made her nervous enough to change her course, fair enough, but she turned round and followed right behind him!! Why not wait a few minutes, before going in his direction if she was so worried?

Utter bonkers behaviour.

"I can’t believe you’re telling women to ignore gut instincts to appease the feelings of random men who don’t even know what she’s thinking?"

But every man should know the "gut instinct" of every woman they come across ( even if the behave very strangely like start to follow a random man they are apparently scared of) and change their behaviour to appease the feelings of random women??

How weird; personally I have been assaulted by a lone 'man' who my gut said was dodgy, as has my sister. Both teenagers. We had a bridlepath that went past our back garden that school children used to walk to and from school on - and my mother found the local flasher in a bush behind there - God help him, and fuck the man who feels uncomfortable. Perhaps you could find it in your heart to support the women who are assaulted on a daily basis by lone men, and maybe educate yourself on how often this happens. HTH

The parallel is being in a space where a woman is off guard, vulnerable and entitled to feel safe. It really doesn't matter what the statistics are for women being murdered in changing rooms, does it? One would be too many when we're weighing up the comfort and safety of women and girls against men being allowed to do something completely unecessary for no good reason. Men have their own changing rooms. Many places have mixed sex ones. They're not short of options.
And t's not just murder. There's been plenty of instances of covert filming, sexual harassment and men masturbating in changing rooms to demonstrate its a bad idea to let them into the women's, without waiting for a femicide.

Honestly I fail to see what this guy has done wrong. OP was the one who turned round and followed him back along the path. If OP was actually wary of him they should have just stopped for a couple of minutes and let him get further ahead.

Yes, it's always good to be aware of where you are and not be closed off to the world, but equally it doesn't do anyone any good to go around in such a state of paranoia.

I'm all for making my boys aware of women's feelings. But in the Ops case she followed the man. In situations like this my boys late teens, young aduits know that in this situation their own security comes first. If they are being followed by anyone including a woman they do whatever it takes to protect themselves. The man did the right thing by slowing down and letting her pass. For all he knows she could have had a knife, her actions, suddenly changing direction and following him would put fear into anyone, gender does not matter. The OP needs to seriously consider her own actions.