To have distanced myself from my in-laws because of their casual sexism?

[Pinkzara]

Amongst other things, I found my in laws very sexist.

For example. They’d do family gatherings which would be everyone goes to the pub, but then the women and children all walk back to
the house to prepare food while the men stay in the pub and get as drunk as possible. When I declined to go and prepare the food with all the women it was frowned upon.

Family dinners were always mil doing all of the cooking, then the women clearing up afterwards while the men all sit around chatting, drinking and falling asleep.

Mil gossiping about the state of other people’s houses and telling me the women of the house was dirty and a slattern, despite men living there too.

When dh and I were buying our first home and moving out of our rental. We were sorting out and doing tip runs and packing. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced to ‘help’, mil turned up with a bag of cleaning products and announced she’d come to help me to clean the property and that fil would take fb to the tip. Even though we’d not asked for any help or given any indication that I’d be cleaning alone.

On the very rare occasion we asked for a days childcare then saying it was for me to help me as I had to go to work, even though their son has a full time job too so presumably they are helping their son too.

Just a few examples and plenty more where that came from.

I think the reason these MILs find it hard to stomach is because they've taken such pride in martyring themselves, acting like a household provider in some ways, only to be visually confronted with fact that it was all for nothing. Their husbands expected it and their DILs and sons reject it because it wasn't the meaningful offering they thought it was.

I'm completely on the same page, that it's outdated nonsense, but I think that's why they dig in, because if they don't then they may realise that their life's work wasn't actually perceived as important and that must sting.

I reacted in the most spectacular fashion when, at a BBQ, DH’s nephew punched his sister, who then cried and wouldn’t play with him, only for MiL to then respond with cuddles for nephew, saying “oh, what has that mean little girl done? He’s just doing what little boys do!” Lost. My. Shit.

She’s also one for telling DH to not get up to clear the table as he’s worked all day and “us girls will do it”. I remain firmly planted in my chair with steam coming out of my ears. She’s 63.

Well I think it’s quite obvious from my post what I meant.

Help would be saying “hey, is there anything I can do”.

If you were doing something and I turned up unannounced and started taking over and trying to force you to do it the way I thought, would you find that helpful or irritating?

So just say you were happily doing your garden and I turned up with a bag of cleaning products and said “leave that, your house needs a good clean instead” I doubt you’d be pleased.

Given their relatively young age (for such archaic opinions) I assume your IL's are very working class OP?

No, not obvious at all. You weren't gardening. You were cleaning the house and taking things to the tip. So they turned up and offered to help clean the house and take things to the tip! I fail to see how this fits into wanting to distance yourself from them because of sexism.

I don’t really care about their comfort to be honest. They haven’t cared about mine for all these years.

I said distance myself, not call them counts and never speak to them again.

Also I didn’t say anything about my dh or children not seeing them. My children are of an age where they’re old enough to see their grandparents themselves and dh can do what he likes.

I remember my grandmother being horrified that my husband cleaned baby sick out of the carpet while I cleaned up the baby- she offered to do it herself so that the man of the house didn’t have to clean (we both refused her offer).

In our family , the ingrained sexism (and racism, and ableism) tends to come from FIL. I argue, with evidence.

I'm 65. I think they are small minded and ignorant more than purposefully sexist.

Well no I wasn’t cleaning the house. I didn’t say I was.

Dh and I were packing and going to the tip.

We weren’t going to clean until the end once the house was empty and we would have done it together. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced and mil decided that it was time for me and her to start cleaning. Cleaning as in dusting, vacuuming.

It was a complete waste of time because we hadn’t even packed fully.

This os so mad to me! This "modern" world was literally created by mine and the OP's PiL's generation! I'm older than them, I did not change my name on marriage, have always shared all domestic taks with equally ancient DH, etc.

These two are still of working age - how have they managed to be such 🦖 🦖 🦕 🦕?

But make sure that your kids understand that you don’t agree with their views and why you find them problematic. You don’t want them to be overly influenced by such views. So dangerous for little girls in particular to be taught that they come second and must accede to male wishes.

I’ve encountered some similar issues with racism. I chose not to sever all contact but to make sure my kids understood why I found it unacceptable and why I’d like to see them think differently/ do better.

It would be a better world for women if misogyny was treated as seriously as racism.

Good for you. I hope you are very happy.

If my dad was still alive he'd be 95 now ... he was a stay at home dad in the 1970s. My mum struggled a bit with motherhood, whilst he adored being a dad.

It's not age OP, it's just weird sexist beliefs.

Hit a nerve?

It’s interesting how people are so willing to tolerate misogyny and we are expected to smile and ignore it.

Ouch! Yes, I’m absolutely reeling.

YANBU, OP, not at all.

I've reduced contact with my ILs because of their racism and xenophobia. MIL is appalling, but my SIL and BIL are younger than me and just as bad.