To have distanced myself from my in-laws because of their casual sexism?

[Pinkzara]

Amongst other things, I found my in laws very sexist.

For example. They’d do family gatherings which would be everyone goes to the pub, but then the women and children all walk back to
the house to prepare food while the men stay in the pub and get as drunk as possible. When I declined to go and prepare the food with all the women it was frowned upon.

Family dinners were always mil doing all of the cooking, then the women clearing up afterwards while the men all sit around chatting, drinking and falling asleep.

Mil gossiping about the state of other people’s houses and telling me the women of the house was dirty and a slattern, despite men living there too.

When dh and I were buying our first home and moving out of our rental. We were sorting out and doing tip runs and packing. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced to ‘help’, mil turned up with a bag of cleaning products and announced she’d come to help me to clean the property and that fil would take fb to the tip. Even though we’d not asked for any help or given any indication that I’d be cleaning alone.

On the very rare occasion we asked for a days childcare then saying it was for me to help me as I had to go to work, even though their son has a full time job too so presumably they are helping their son too.

Just a few examples and plenty more where that came from.

Oh, and also, I'm obviously expected to sort ALL the Christmas and birthday presents and cards, including for his aunts/uncles, nieces, etc... If cards/presents are not on time or not (good) enough, for some reason it reflects badly on ME - not DH - even though it's his bloody family.

The trouble is when people say just ignore them, I can’t because it winds me up so much.

Especially when they’d make pointed remarks. For example mil asking me what I’m cooking for dhs tea even though I tell her every single week that dh cooks on Saturdays. Or telling Dh to sit down he shouldn’t be clearing the table he’s been at work all week. Even though I have been at work all week.

My life has been so much more peaceful without them.

Fair enough. Crap like that doesn’t bother me. I would laugh it off with my DH, but if it bothers you, perhaps ask your DH to have a word with them. They’re his parents after all.

My parents are the same, refer to “Lady Doctors” - it’s fine mum, you can just say “Doctor” and being astonished that my other half irons his own shirts.

YANBU at all. And YANBU to leave your DH to deal with them.

Your FIL in particular sound awful.

Tbh there was a bit of this on my Dad’s side of our family (his father was awful) and my Dad retained quite a bit of it, especially the “the men go to the pub and the women cook” side of things. It’s taken him until around now to move away from that kind of idea.

Mind you, my exh used to always complain about what my Dad was like in this respect, but then showed his true colours when we had kids and it turned out he also though all the hard stuff was for me to do as a woman.

Dh speaking to the has not made one tiny bit of difference. In fact it seems to have made fil worse and mil whisper behind my back.

Also just remembered a dinner I went to, DH's friend was hosting and his mum was serving the food - everyone went up to her to get their plates. Instead of making up the same portion for everyone, or asking people how much they wanted, she was giving out "lady plates" and "boy plates" that respectively had tiny and huge portions on them.

I know recommended calorie intakes for women and men are different, but I just thought the whole thing was really weird.

They are 65, but this has been going on for years.

OMG where do you live op? I am not much younger and know precisely no one who acts or thinks this way! All of my male friends cook and clean and looked after their children.

We are the people who grew up in the 60s and 70s. We came of age to The Sex Pistols and Blondie and drank and smoked and moved out of our parents houses and never looked back as soon as we turned 18. We travelled and worked hard and played hard in the 80s and had our children in the 90s and 00s, well after the vast majority were enlightened about everyday sexism. Your inlaws seem to be living in some kind of weird back water.

When we go to DHs parent's for Sunday lunch, MIL cooks a fantastic roast and at the end of the meal (and without a word) FIL, BIL and DH get up, clear the plates and go out to wash up. It is an unbreakable family rule, the cook never washes up.

Then a few months back there was a bit of joshing about BILs cleaning as he had recently moved and discovered an embarrassing amount of crap under heavy sofas. FIL commented that he moves the sofas every week when he is hoovering”. MIL cooks and does the laundry / ironing, FIL does all the cleaning and gardening. It’s always been that way.

FIL is 86 and MIL is 79. Age is not an excuse.

My ils also never had my mobile number.. Any communications went via dh. If they didn't get cards /gifts /included in dc's stuff it wasn't down to me. And if things were forgotten they didn't have me to blame! They visited every Monday. Arriving at 8 20 am.

If they turned up any other times I kept to my usual schedule. If that meant taking dc to a club etx then too bad . Dh could amuse them...
Who the hell visits at 8.20 am? Those fuckers that's who!

They do sound sexist. Up to you whether this is a reason to distance yourself.

Definitely not an age thing, my grandparents in their 80s never behaved like this, nevermind my parent’s generation!!! I’d distance too.

@LindorDoubleChoc I'm not OP, but my ILs are like this (late 60s) and I know several other families from their/DH's circle who operate in a similar way, although not all of them, of course. They are all posh countryside people in SW England, mostly living quite rurally and only they really interact with others like them - they can be a bit of a caricature tbh....

My background couldn't be more different - ILs often politely but pointedly refer to my family and me as "very cosmopolitan" which I suspect is not a compliment 😂also, the bar for being cosmopolitan is pretty low - when I first met DH he was shocked that my mother "travels independently" 🙄because apparently boarding a plane requires male supervision in their family...

I feel a bit embarrassed about posting on this thread so many times but this topic has really gotten me going!!!

I asked about age just because my inlaws would have been in their 90s now (died a few years ago in their late 80s) and in their generation these attitudes were more common. Of course not everyone was like that. My inlaws actually reminded me more of my own gradparents, even though I am 54, so my grandparents would now be in their 100s would they still have been alive! My own parents are in their 80s and not like that at all.

I think some of it it's also their own ecosystem like someone else said, where they never get challenged and everyone around them is the same. It does grate and it never ceased to annoy me, although a lot less in later years as they got older and frailer, and it was just a bit annoying rather than very annoying....

Mine were also racist to boot, but that's another topic altogether....

well we are in our 60s DH and cooks ,shops and hoovers.As far as going to the pub is concerned we all go and come back together! Maybe my DGP generation ,but They were my age in the 1960s.I would maybe go LC just be "busy" if DP needs to go over .MAybe just Christmas /Birthdays sort of thing

I think distancing from family is a big deal that causes a LOT of drama. Its also often very difficult and upsetting for the partner who's relatives they are, who is usually balancing irritation at their behaviour against love, connection and history.
So, for that reason, I'd not distance unless it was something absolutely intolerable.
Personally while I don't love the idea of pink and blue roles, provided they are carried out with respect and all parties agree to play them, I'd see it as live and let live.
Which is not the same as going along with them. And while you're not going to get very far by insisting on going to the pub with the men or the tip with FiL, you could opt out of the segregated parts of socialising altogether, joining only the mixed part if you wanted to, and politely decline your in laws offers of help. This should be possible without the need to 'distance'.

I have to say age has less to do with it than you think. My parents and all their friends are in the their late 70s/early 80s and don't hold these attitudes. Don't use age as an excuse.

That would drive me around the bend. It's a really tough situation for you and I can see how you wouldn't want your children to think this is normal for dh and the men to be sitting on their asses

If they were in their 80s, I’d say it was a generational thing and try not to let it wind you up - but your PIL are five years older than me. We’re Generation X FFS, not from the distant 1950s. Tell them your DH will go and help do the food while you stay in the pub.

When dh and I were buying our first home and moving out of our rental. We were sorting out and doing tip runs and packing. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced to ‘help’, mil turned up with a bag of cleaning products and announced she’d come to help me to clean the property and that fil would take fb to the tip. Even though we’d not asked for any help or given any indication that I’d be cleaning alone.

The bastards! Imagine the cheek of trying to help at a stressful, busy time.

I know people in their 40s like this so I don’t think it’s age, just attitudes. Boils my blood.

This.

My Dad would have been 97 this year. He and Mum, who would have been 94, shared everything. Mum worked full time until she retired and both did housework, cooking and looking after us. I don't think it's an age thing, especially at 65.

It’s a good idea to distance yourself. It will benefit everybody. You won’t have to deal with people who have ideas from a different era than you, which will make you much more comfy, and your children won’t have to be aware of an older generation and get a wider understanding of people and their variability. Also it will allow your in laws to feel confused and upset and judged by family as not worthy, which will be great for them to ponder as they age further. All round a Winning tactic is to judge and reject others.

It's fine to distance yourself, leave your DH to it, and feel no guilt, but it is also possible to change the dynamic by just not complying with any of their gendered expectations. It will be challenging for a while but they will eventually get the message. They won't change - because it will threaten their identity - but they will learn to stop expecting you to do stuff.