To have distanced myself from my in-laws because of their casual sexism?

[Pinkzara]

Amongst other things, I found my in laws very sexist.

For example. They’d do family gatherings which would be everyone goes to the pub, but then the women and children all walk back to
the house to prepare food while the men stay in the pub and get as drunk as possible. When I declined to go and prepare the food with all the women it was frowned upon.

Family dinners were always mil doing all of the cooking, then the women clearing up afterwards while the men all sit around chatting, drinking and falling asleep.

Mil gossiping about the state of other people’s houses and telling me the women of the house was dirty and a slattern, despite men living there too.

When dh and I were buying our first home and moving out of our rental. We were sorting out and doing tip runs and packing. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced to ‘help’, mil turned up with a bag of cleaning products and announced she’d come to help me to clean the property and that fil would take fb to the tip. Even though we’d not asked for any help or given any indication that I’d be cleaning alone.

On the very rare occasion we asked for a days childcare then saying it was for me to help me as I had to go to work, even though their son has a full time job too so presumably they are helping their son too.

Just a few examples and plenty more where that came from.

How old are they?
Not excusing it, but my i laws were exactly the same and it used to annoy me too
Just learnt to ignore them tbh
Examples were things like
'Don't drop thst on mums floor'
Used my husbands surname on any letter/card even though she.knew full well and was reminded many times I didn't change my name
Couldn't stand it if they came over and my dh was seen to do anything like cooking or cleaning.. even though we both work full time. Would always be commented in a negative way.
I think it's the way they were brought up...luckily DH and his brother are as far as that as you can possibly imagine!

They are 65, but this has been going on for years.

That’s another one I’d forgotten about, them
always frowning upon dh doing anything around the house as though it should only be my job.

Mine are like this. My favourite being over childcare where FIL told me them having the kids one day a week allowed me to keep my “little” job. Pointed out to him that the only reason they have them was because they begged me to let them do a day so they could spend time with the kids and that my “little” job brings In twice what their sons job brings in. MIL almost collapsed when they came round and I was playing with the kids while my partner did the ironing.
The kids having double barrelled names caused much angst until I offered to change their surnames to just mine if they would find that more acceptable.
Honestly, at this point I just enjoy winding them up and watching them go off on one.

They're a bunch of dinosaurs, and at the age of 65 they've no excuse, having lived through an era of big change - we were fighting these attitudes back in the 1980s ffs.
I blew my m-i-l's mind when she first saw me changing my kid's nappy 🤯 but to be fair, she subsequently tried to embrace the change going on around her. Your lot have made no such effort, and have no excuse, except that of ignorance.

Some people are incredibly old-fashioned and haven't adapted to the modern world.

If this makes you want to distance yourself from them that's your choice.

You can't really be unreasonable if that's what you've chosen to do.

65 is far too young for that sort of attitude. My dad is 75 and does not hold these beliefs!

Oh OP I completely get you, my in laws are the same it really annoys me too. I have a WhatsApp group with my MIL and my husband, she’ll direct questions to me about certain matters rather than both of us and it really grates on me. Always stuff like ‘ Star what time are your cleaners coming today’ or ‘Star what are the children having for dinner today’. I’ve told my husband I’m not answering any messages like that so he always replies.

It baffles her that I do no (or very little) clothes washing as my husband does it all for the family. I feel for her as she was very overweight when my husband was young as she ran herself ragged doing everything for everyone and could never prioritise herself (my fil was in great shape from regular golf and gym). I’m usually just surprised she would want the same for me/ other women from life but I guess it’s all she knew. I don’t know what the answer is apart from generally ignore!

What does the 'distancing' look like @Pinkzara ? Sounds reasonable to me, it's all very annoying and occasionally enraging, the assumed sexism. Mine used to be like this 40 years ago! I'm 70 and a lifelong feminist so I've been fighting battles like this forever. Do what you need to do to keep the balance - ignore, distance, argue with them, whatever.
You have to think how much you need them in your children's lives. If they are basically kind and loving to the children just roll your eyes. If they're useless in the children's lives no harm in distancing. Etc.

65??!! That’s mad.

My MIL used to do this but stopped eventually when neither I nor DH played along. What does your DH do whilst the women are preparing food for and cleaning up after the men? Mine would help out too or suggest the women also sit and chat.

ETA see also penis portions. She used to give DH the best/most meat and tiny crappy bits for her and me. We'd then redistribute. Again, she no longer does it.

I am 60. I didn't change my surname upon marriage. I left my ex (partly) because he thought women should run the home (bullshit) and was a slob.

Their age isn't why they're sexist. They're ignorant.

I'm older than them and there is no way I would ever have left the males of the family in the pub and gone home to cook! It's not an age thing at all in my generation. My MIL another generation back would come to our house and take over the cooking, which was fine by me. I would be in the garden digging a pea trench or building a greenhouse or some other 'manly' job, if I wasn't at work.

Your in-laws are sexist and extremely old-fashioned. I'm older than them and their attitudes were common in my parents' and in-laws' generation but are very out of place for people in their mid-60s.

Does your MIL work?

They’re just traditionalists. It’s not meant with any malice, and when you’re older your kids will roll their eyes at you for your ‘outdated’ ideas.

Annoying, but not something to distance yourself over. Your DH will be caught in the middle, unfairly.

I’m in my sixties and wouldn’t tolerate this bullshit.

I remember when I got married, MIL gave me a list of names and addresses of all their (huge) extended family for Christmas cards etc.

Her face when I simply passed it to DH!!

Her age is irrelevant. My mates are the same age and we would be more likely to have the women stay in the pub while the men go home and sort out food.

65! This is not an age thing, it's a them thing.

I'm over 65 and earned more than DH before I retired, bought far more equity to our marriage all of which I had earned, he does 90% of the cleaning and housework (I do food and finance and outdoor housework ie gardening).

Would drive me nuts.

My dad is 85 and has always done the cooking as Nd the shopping while my mum preferred to mow the lawn.

It's not their age, it's their mindset and they are idiots. I wouldn't want to listen to that nonsense either.

Back when I was married, my MIL called and asked to speak to ExDH. I said "I'll just get him, he's doing the washing up". MIL then asked "Why aren't you doing that?" I replied "Because I bloody cooked."

Sent ExDH to the phone with the words "Get your mother telt". To be fair, he did.

I only mentioned their age because a pp asked.

My parents are older than them and are not like this.

Mil also gave me the list for Christmas:birthday cards and kept asking me to sort all that type of stuff. Her face was a picture when I’d ask her to tell dh.

In terms of distancing myself, it’s not just the sexism. Fil is an overbearing know it all and very rude/ignorant.

I told dh that I just couldn’t stand it anymore and that he’d have to deal with them from now on/see them without me being there.
.

Well i find it odd you didn't know this before you got married if my inlaws were like this i would not have stayed with dh let alone married him

Oh come on. It's nothing to go with their age. They are just sexist.

I didn’t know because they didn’t visit before we got married/had kids.

I’d met them literally 4-5 times.

But it’s ok for me to be caught in the middle?

It affects me when they place their expectations onto me.

Ugh I feel you OP. My ILs are exactly like this and it really gets on my nerves.

I grew up in a home where my dad more than his fair share of cooking, housework, and childcare, so it was a real shock to the system when I found out what ILs were like. To be honest, I hadn't encountered that level of sexism until I met them - not at home, not with friends, not with other partners, and not in the workplace.

It was a real "aha" moment for me - like, OMG, so THIS is the sexism everyone's been talking about, I finally get it! 😬I'd always been a feminist in theory but had never appreciated how bad it can be in real life!

When I pulled away from ils it was truly life changing. Preferred staying home to blitz the house than sit drinking tea listening to them spouting crap.