AIBU to send a message to the man who killed my aunt?

[IcyJoMarch]

My aunt (by marriage) died in a car accident a little over two years ago. She was American and lived there, and her American family refused all contact with me and another relative, and contacting the lawyers she had used in a lawsuit also got no response, so the only information I have is the police crash report, which was released a few months later. It’s extremely well-documented, including photographs and a schematic of the details. She was making a U-turn in front of a lorry. The lorry driver is named in the report, as was his company.

I haven’t been obsessed with this, but every so often I remember it and think about how awful he must feel. The report is strictly factual and does not assign blame, but even if he were 100% blameless, he still caused the death of two people (my aunt’s best friend was in the car with her). I honestly think he was in no way to blame because my aunt pulled out in front of him on a road which had little traffic. She was not a bad driver - the report stated she had only one driving-related incident, over twenty years before, when she was a little over the speed limit - but I find it difficult to understand whether she simply misjudged distance or was distracted or….

Really, I am wondering if this was a deliberate suicide attempt on her part. My uncle died in horrible circumstances during the pandemic, and my aunt sued his nursing home for neglect (and won). I visited her several months before her death because I was there for a work conference and she was clearly still deeply unhappy. The only thing that gives me pause is the presence of her best friend, but I still can’t rule it out.

I’m just wondering if it would be appropriate for me to contact the haulage company and ask them to pass on an anonymised message to say that I hope he got the support he needed and that, on my part at least, I don’t blame him. (I’m not sure how to phrase that.)

YABU - there is no need to do this
YANBU - it would be okay for you to do this

I will be travelling for the next several days so if I don’t respond, please know I am reading every response.

This is difficult. On one side the driver may get some relief and the other side says it might bring it all up for him.

I suppose if you do write to his employers, you could let them decide if the message will come as comfort to him as they know him!? But I wouldn’t mention you suspect suicide. Especially if there was some kind of lawsuit.

Why are your family not communicating with you?

I think it would be completely inappropriate. It was over 2 years ago, you are a distant relative (by marriage) who her family want nothing to do with.

He didn't cause the death of 2 people, your aunt did, so he is totally blameless. After this amount of time has passed, hopefully the lorry driver has started to get over it and get on with his life, all your message will do is bring it all back again.

I'd say there is no need. It's been a couple of years and they have probably worked very hard at trying to process this and to get to a point where it doesn't completely consume their thoughts. I think you saying that you don't blame him makes it sound like other people might be. It would be so difficiult to word the message in a way that doesn't rip open old wounds.

It would be entirely inappropriate.

A decent company would refuse to pass on the message.

YABU, you need to keep out of it.

And YABU to start a thread you can't stick around for.

You need to let sleeping dogs lie where the lorry driver is concerned.

No, don’t do this.

you don’t know him, you don’t know how it affected him.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. Her siblings did not respond to me (I contacted two of them on Facebook, then stopped when it was clear they were not interested in engaging) or to the man who had been married to my cousin (who was my aunt's stepdaughter). He had been close to my aunt for years even after my cousin's death.

Nicely, you are a distant relative on another continent, whose family want no contact. I really wouldn’t do this.

Please don’t. It would be completely inappropriate.

Were you close with her? If so, I don't think this is actually a bad idea if you want to and with no expectation that you'll hear back. If you were not, it's not appropriate and you might want to ask yourself why you are inserting yourself in this drama.

Some things are best left. There's no reason good outcome here.

God no, you are more likely to make him feel worse than better. Let him move on with his life.
Not sure why you can read messages while travelling but not respond????

I think you need to stop dwelling on and speculating about this. You have no idea what your aunt’s mentality at the time was, but unless she was a psychopath, she would not have involved her best friend in her suicide, and it’s not your job to tell the lorry driver it wasn’t his fault. It’s not clear why you’re so invested in determining what exactly happened, and why you’re contacting her family in the US, her lawyers and ordering the accident report?

I just wanted to avoid the usual 'OMG the OP hasn't responded, how dare she' complaints that always pop up. I hadn't realised that trying to manage expectations would bring me another load of complaints. I sincerely apologise.

No, leave it alone.

Your motive for doing this is because you keep thinking about it, not for his sake because you have literally no idea how painful dragging this all up again years later might be.

Leave it alone.

Your uncle was married to this woman or she is your husband’s aunt.

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the circles of grief. You are in one of the outside circles and you are acting in ways that centres you in the grief.

I don’t think contacting the family to the extent they have to completely ignore you is appropriate and I don’t think this action is remotely appropriate. This man will have to find ways to come to terms with his own emotions around this experience and you have to deal with your own. You are not a voice for this woman and you are inserting yourself and your grief inappropriately here.

There is no reason on the planet i think this is a good idea and if you cant see that i genuinely would suggest you need help

I contacted her family because I was devastated and wanted to talk to other people who loved her. Genuinely bewildered as to why this is considered odd!

I contacted her lawyers because there was no other way to get any information at that time - the report wan't available until months afterwards.

I was sent the crash report by my cousin's widower.

If my sister's husband's niece inserted herself into the circumstances of my sister's death, especially when I'd made it clear I wanted no contact with her I'd be fuming.

I think the fact they're not responding to you should spell out how they feel here.

And I'd be even more angry if I got so much of an inkling she thought my sister had effectively murdered her best friend.

Just leave them to their grief.

I’m torn on this. It’s a decent thing to want to do, but ultimately you aren’t an immediate relative and her family didn’t want to involve you in their grieving process, so it’s overstepping.

Many years ago as a very young man DH was involved in a similar incident: in his case it was definitely a suicide, a woman deliberately jumped onto an expressway in front of his truck. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he did find it helpful that her parents wrote to him to him to tell him that they wanted him to know that they attributed no blame and to encourage him to look for support because they didn’t want it to be something which overshadowed his life and resulted in him feeling the same depression as what led their daughter to kill herself.

But, that doesn’t mean the driver in this incident would feel the same way or whether he’d think a letter telling him that you don’t blame him will push up thoughts of thinking other members of her family do blame him. So all being said think I’d just leave it be.

Absolutely inappropriate and I’m sorry but you are distant from this and appear to want to insert yourself into the situation.

the driver if anything, will ignore you- why would they read your note with any authority or forgiveness? You’re just a stranger

This is totally inappropriate.

You have contacted her family and they have been clear this is not what they want - so listen to them.

Why are you obsessing over this?

I'm astonished anyone answers your contact.

You absolutely cannot insert yourself into this.

She is a distant relative, her close relatives have made it clear they don't wish to engage with you.

You have no idea of the nuances of everything. You don't know if this would make the driver feel better or worse, if it could stir up a law suit, or cause other problems.

You are thinking of yourself and your wants. Leave it be.

But you say in your OP that her ‘family refused all contact with me’ — you make that sound like some kind of standoff, rather than grieving people who just lost an immediate family member in sudden, shocking circumstances, not feeling up to responding to comments on social media from someone on another continent?

I contacted her family because I was devastated and wanted to talk to other people who loved her.

But this is all about you and your feelings and her dying is about her immediate family’s grief mainly not about you. You are responsible for managing your feelings. You are completely overstepping here.