AIBU to send a message to the man who killed my aunt?

[IcyJoMarch]

My aunt (by marriage) died in a car accident a little over two years ago. She was American and lived there, and her American family refused all contact with me and another relative, and contacting the lawyers she had used in a lawsuit also got no response, so the only information I have is the police crash report, which was released a few months later. It’s extremely well-documented, including photographs and a schematic of the details. She was making a U-turn in front of a lorry. The lorry driver is named in the report, as was his company.

I haven’t been obsessed with this, but every so often I remember it and think about how awful he must feel. The report is strictly factual and does not assign blame, but even if he were 100% blameless, he still caused the death of two people (my aunt’s best friend was in the car with her). I honestly think he was in no way to blame because my aunt pulled out in front of him on a road which had little traffic. She was not a bad driver - the report stated she had only one driving-related incident, over twenty years before, when she was a little over the speed limit - but I find it difficult to understand whether she simply misjudged distance or was distracted or….

Really, I am wondering if this was a deliberate suicide attempt on her part. My uncle died in horrible circumstances during the pandemic, and my aunt sued his nursing home for neglect (and won). I visited her several months before her death because I was there for a work conference and she was clearly still deeply unhappy. The only thing that gives me pause is the presence of her best friend, but I still can’t rule it out.

I’m just wondering if it would be appropriate for me to contact the haulage company and ask them to pass on an anonymised message to say that I hope he got the support he needed and that, on my part at least, I don’t blame him. (I’m not sure how to phrase that.)

YABU - there is no need to do this
YANBU - it would be okay for you to do this

I will be travelling for the next several days so if I don’t respond, please know I am reading every response.

Sorry but this makes you sound completely mad. Shes not your blood relative - her family are ignoring you. You've dug out this report and all this random information about this lady...

Reading between all these lines I think they must have a good reason to not want to speak with you... leave everyone alone ffs.

Leave the poor man alone.

Yes, maybe he will sue the family if he gets an anonymous letter saying that ‘they’ think that your aunt caused the accident.

Yep. That could happen too. They might take it as a reason to litigate against aunt's estate. The family from which OP is estranged? I wonder why that is actually?

It's all just way OTT. And no good can come of doing it.

This all sounds rather self indulgent on your part OP. You were in no way involved, why do you think the driver would want to hear from you?

I don't think it's about how close the OP was to her aunt. I have relatives by marriage who I am extremely fond of. There's nothing weird about OP loving the aunt or feeling grief for her in principle. If OP was the sister or the spouse I would still think that the suicidality side of it is pure speculation that will never be resolved, and that it is really inappropriate and invasive to contact the driver about this accident two years later out of the blue.

YABU. You are making this about you. Leave it alone.

Plot twist!

I couldn't find much information about the trucking company so I Googled the driver and discovered that four months ago - around two years after the crash - he sued my aunt's estate! I don't know details because it's on one of those aggregate sites that charges for in-depth information but the basis of the lawsuit is auto negligence (the failure of a driver to exercise reasonable care, causing a traffic accident and injury).

It doesn't seem to have gone far yet - her law firm, and one of the relatives who declined to speak with me (presumably she's the executor of the estate), have been served papers. The lawyer representing the driver is an ambulance chaser. Whether anything will happen, I have no idea.

Needless to say, I will not be contacting ANYONE.

Thanks to everyone who responded, especially those who shared personal stories.

Sometimes doing nothing is best.

Honestly this has been one of the most tasteless threads ever on MN and this response is just a continuation of the tastelessness.

So now you're going to back off as you're worried you'll get consequences of the litigation. Wow. You've not said it but your tasteless Plot twist! comment amongst others are just disgraceful.

Having read other posts, I take mine back. I was wrong, they are right and you need to get some help.

The only information you have is via a factual crash report and some theories of your own. If you had contacted this man, without knowing the above, you would have unwittingly given him the ammunition to sue your Aunt's estate successfully.

You a distant relative by marriage, not blood would have confirmed that in your opinion your Aunt was entirely at fault, and you didn't attach any blame to him. Now, of course, you could be absolutely correct, it may have solely been your Aunt's fault, but you don't know that for sure...you just have a crash report.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I'm not saying you weren't fond of your Aunt, but you need to leave this situation alone. You aren't aware of all the details of the lawsuit, and if you go interfering, you could cause significant issues for your Aunt's family.

Leave the situation alone, and accept you may never know the truth.

Your ‘plot twist’ is further proof that this is none of your business; the family have cut you off, you’re not privy to this information.
You genuinely need a long hard look at yourself and your need for attention by inserting yourself where you’re not wanted. It is bizarre and horrible behaviour.

Big come on. She wouldnt have given any ammunition. You reckon a “it wasn’t your fault” note from an overseas relative holds any weight in court for liability?!

OP what is really a plot twist is you were full of sadness for this man and wanted him to know you (a stranger) didn’t blame him and now you’ve done a complete 360 turn after finding out there’s a lawsuit.

You either have empathy for him or you don’t- changing your mind based on the discovery of (but no knowledge of) a lawsuit shows how your investment was only ever surface level and a need to insert yourself into the drama.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/5418021-how-can-i-find-details-of-an-arrest-in-london-earlier-this-year?reply=147428806

Certainly makes one read this teeny thread in a different light. 🤔

‘Plot twist’? Really distasteful.

Wow. I’m not a doctor, but I think I can diagnose Main Character Syndrome when I see it… thanks for sharing.

You don’t have any idea how distasteful this is, do you?

Quite apart that you seem to be treating two horrible and unnecessary deaths as a source of entertainment, can’t you see how how uncalled-for and potentially damaging it would have been for you to write to the lorry driver ‘forgiving’ him for killing your aunt while he’s suing your aunt’s estate over the accident?

@Arlanymor
OP needs a word with herself, that previous post is shocking, the need to poke into people’s lives, in that previous post I’m sure the person would speak to her if they were close.

No move on. It will cause your worry not worth it