AIBU to send a message to the man who killed my aunt?

[IcyJoMarch]

My aunt (by marriage) died in a car accident a little over two years ago. She was American and lived there, and her American family refused all contact with me and another relative, and contacting the lawyers she had used in a lawsuit also got no response, so the only information I have is the police crash report, which was released a few months later. It’s extremely well-documented, including photographs and a schematic of the details. She was making a U-turn in front of a lorry. The lorry driver is named in the report, as was his company.

I haven’t been obsessed with this, but every so often I remember it and think about how awful he must feel. The report is strictly factual and does not assign blame, but even if he were 100% blameless, he still caused the death of two people (my aunt’s best friend was in the car with her). I honestly think he was in no way to blame because my aunt pulled out in front of him on a road which had little traffic. She was not a bad driver - the report stated she had only one driving-related incident, over twenty years before, when she was a little over the speed limit - but I find it difficult to understand whether she simply misjudged distance or was distracted or….

Really, I am wondering if this was a deliberate suicide attempt on her part. My uncle died in horrible circumstances during the pandemic, and my aunt sued his nursing home for neglect (and won). I visited her several months before her death because I was there for a work conference and she was clearly still deeply unhappy. The only thing that gives me pause is the presence of her best friend, but I still can’t rule it out.

I’m just wondering if it would be appropriate for me to contact the haulage company and ask them to pass on an anonymised message to say that I hope he got the support he needed and that, on my part at least, I don’t blame him. (I’m not sure how to phrase that.)

YABU - there is no need to do this
YANBU - it would be okay for you to do this

I will be travelling for the next several days so if I don’t respond, please know I am reading every response.

In a way I kind of understand. I had a friend who died in a car accident with a lorry. It was a long time ago now but at the time I desperately wanted to know more about it to try and make sense of what happened and did dwell on the details for a while. Like in your Aunts case it seemed like a very unavoidable situation for the lorry driver, my friend was only 19 and was an inexperienced driver but even so her actions that day left a lot of questions unanswered.

It's a horrible tragic thing and our minds do try and make sense of sudden deaths and losses but and I don't mean this to sound harsh this is your burden not the lorry drivers. He has to and maybe has already come to terms with it in his own way and you have to in yours. Leave him in peace, it sounds like an awful situation for him and it's not fair to bring that back for him uninvited.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

You've contacted her family who don’t want to respond. Tried to get information out of her lawyer. Read the crash report and now want to contact the poor lorry driver to tell him that YOU forgive him?

Bit weird. Why would he care if you forgive him. He doesn’t know who you are.

I’ve worked with drivers who’ve been involved in fatal accidents. It is awful for them. I do appreciate that it is tough for you too.
Even if you do make contact, they won’t be able to respond, you’ll probably leave them with more questions than they already have.
I suggest you leave them alone, as messages whether anonymous or not will rarely improve anything.

@IcyJoMarch what would you hope to get out of passing a message on to the driver?

Can I echo the PP who mentioned Circles of Grief. Please read up on this OP as it will guide you to a more appropriate frame of mind.

I think this was very shocking but you have repeatedly inserted yourself inappropriately into someone else's grief and troubled those with greater grief than you. Reading this will help you see why this wrong. I can't believe you asked for the crash report. It is not your business. Had it been your mother or sibling or child yes, it would be fine. But this is an aunt by marriage. Your job is to support those closer to her in their grief, not centre yourself.

I'm someone whose relative died in a car crash and then another relative kept working away at it for years.

Please do not do this. You are likely to be causing a lot of upset.

If you need to talk about your aunt then bereavement therapy can be very helpful. Your therapist may be able to suggest strategies that don't involve contacting people who are likely to have more substantial traumas to process than you do.

One million percent this ☝

This is one of the things weirdest threads I've ever read on here

You just signed up today?

Given that you describe him in the title of your post as the man who killed your aunt, and further on you state very clearly, that he caused the deaths of two people, I cannot help but wonder if any message you send would be as supportive as you suggest.

I would leave the poor man alone. If you're truly grieving for this lady, who was not actually a close relative, do it without causing more upset to the lorry driver, who had a very traumatic experience, caused by your aunt's actions. Any suggestion that you forgive him is the same as blaming him.

Let it be.

🤣🤣🤣
No! Old timer but this is really really strange

An aunt by marriage, her family don’t speak to you, yet you seem determined to insert yourself in to this.
Main character syndrome for sure, ‘i’m travelling will read but not respond’ catch yourself
on.
Keep your nose out and leave people alone, it is quite literally none of your business.

Why? None of them wanted to know you. Why would you want to reopen old wounds like this? You're coming across as a huge troublemaker.

I 100% understand where you’re coming from.

My FIL died in a crash in 2023, also involving a lorry. The lorry driver was entirely blameless, poor man was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Horrendous situation all round, and was obviously a life-alternating event for the lorry driver.

We have his name from the accident and inquest reports, but have opted not to contact him. I don’t think it would be fair to burden him more, and given the impact the accident has likely had on his life and work, I can’t imagine he’d want to revisit it.
I hope he’s getting on with his life, but he owes us nothing.

So, in your shoes, I wouldn’t reach out to the lorry driver. He’ll have had updates through his legal team and know that he wasn’t responsible. It’s not your place to approach him.

Don't do it. You're making yourself responsible for how the driver may or may not feel and making big assumptions about what he might feel. Focus on your own feelings about this loss which might have been made messier by the fact that the family has not responded to you. I feel for you, it might have been comforting to have contact with the relatives of your aunt but it isn't to be.

On balance, I'd contact the haulage company, because it may help, but not be completely anonymous or mention suicide.....maybe just say you are a relative of one of the women, and make clear that if they are in any way concerned, they should just destroy the note and not pass it on. You have no way of knowing what relationship the management has with that driver. Its also not clear whether he is even still employed by the company. I certainly wouldn't give any kind of address or other contact details.

I agree with the PP who mentioned main character syndrome with a little bit of “grief porn” thrown in, tbh your OP rather unsettling to read. This is a distant relative on another continent with whom you had a fleeting acquaintance in the grand scheme of things. People die horribly every day. It’s terribly sad, but we keep going and don’t dredge up awful memories for people we barely know, particularly when they want no contact with us. (Why is that, OP?)

I write this as someone whose estranged father committed suicide in a gruesome way: I requested the autopsy report from the police, read it, grieved appropriately and privately, then moved the fuck on asap.

Exactly.

If this is true you are not making yourself come across very well.

Please do not suggest this OP writes to driver, just awful advice, it’s been two years, let the poor man move on, beyond selfish.

@Deerinflashlights - i’m very close to my aunt by marriage. I’m mid-50s and she has been around my whole life. The fact that you are related to someone by marriage rather than blood doesn’t automatically make the relationship a distant one.

@IcyJoMarch - it sounds like you’ve been through some heavy family losses. If i had lost my aunt in this way, i would be devastated. So your grief is, to me anyway, completely understandable. But i agree with PPs, there is nothing to be gained by writing to the lorry driver now and i don’t think the company would pass it on in any case.

This. You're inserting yourself into something that, although you may have feelings about, is really inappropriate to start reaching out to all and sundry. You seem very disconnected from your family - I don't know why - but seeking validation of your feelings through others is potentially very triggering for them.

I sympathise for your loss. My aunt and uncle died in a car accident when a drunk driver came down the mountain on the wrong side of the road and their car was pitched over the side. So I get the suddenness and the sorrow.

What good would an anonymous note be to anyone? I agree you're trying to make this all about you.

So in the context of this situation that you are offering advice on, you think your relationship with your aunt by marriage is more central or equally as central as say her siblings, parents or children and you feel you could represent their grief and healing to a person who was present at the time of her traumatic passing forgiving him for whatever responsibility you have not assigned him in the situation.

Honestly I don’t think I could ever centre myself that way in another closer family member’s grief as the OP has suggested doing but we are all different I guess.

I think you should write the letter but not post it. This will help you process your feelings without any impact on an innocent individual.