I was angry with Husband today, is this gaslighting!

[Bulldog01]

Yesterday, i mentioned to my husband,that I was going to fill in some holes in the brick work at the front of the house.I ordered some exterior filler,months ago to carry the work out when the weather improved. The holes were the result of my husband removing redundant cables.Its been a eyesore for over a year! After about 20 minutes,my husband came to the front of the house, and said loudly,that I had left the door to the hallway open,said I shouldn't do that, as the cat could of got out? Felt a bit humiliated & angry.Although I am usually more thoughtful regarding the cat getting out,my mind was elsewhere.I came indoors and just felt so deflated.I was shaking! I know, it sounds like a very small issue.But I am in my bedroom in tears.I have asked my husband to just leave me in peace.After telling him how I felt!.My husband treats me like this often.Over trivial matters.I am now 66, I am mentally exhausted with his unhelpful comments! Could this be gas lighting?

It's not gaslighting, just nastiness.

That’s nothing like gaslighting, it’s simply unpleasant behaviour.

Not gaslighting at all he just sounds like a tosser

It's common or garden disrespect and nastiness. How horrible for you.

Why on earth did you feel humiliated and angry, to the point where you were crying and shaking, when your husband pointed out that your cat could have escaped? If it’s an issue for your cat to go out the front of the house, of course he was right to tell you! Your behaviour sounds very odd.

I’m so sorry if I’ve missed in your post OP but he came to the front to let you know the hall door had been left open and your cat could escape? I’m completely lost on the gaslighting or why it upset you so much? I would have asked if he’d closed it, thanked him for sorting it out and made a mental note not to do so again.

Was you so upset because you was actually fixing an issue left by him and he came out and criticized you for something rather than appreciating what you do?
Is feeling unappreciated at the core of this? Does he make you feel like this often?

Is there some back story to this?. On the face of it.it seems like an odd reaction to normal interaction. I can't even see what's disrespectful or nasty about his comment.

Sounds like a strong reaction OP. I've just said to my DP "I've asked you to move those boots before someone breaks their neck" quite sharply too. But it's normal..? Did he shout or say it very nastily and unkindly? Or were you maybe upset because you thought he'd be pleased you were doing the job?

I mean, if you didn't leave the door open and he's lying about it to make you doubt yourself, then yes that would be gaslighting.
It sounds like you're saying you did leave the door open, but your husband is overly critical and speaks nastily to you though. Is that right?

Do people not communicate with their partners unless it’s to praise them or something? Why is it considered nasty to point out the door was left open? I genuinely don’t understand.

This isn't gaslighting - gaslighting is where a person makes you question reality to make you feel crazy/unstable - for example lying and saying something didn't happen when it did.

I think it's pretty normal to say to someone they've left a door open and an animal could escape but your reaction makes it feel like there's more to it. How does he normally speak to you? Does he often criticise you when trying to improve the house? What is you relationship usually like?

This isn't even close to gaslighting. It's such a misused word these days.. but this is so far from the mark.

I think there's more going on here though.

It would only be gaslighting if you hadn't actually left the door open and he had, but he was trying to make you think it was you.

@Bulldog01 I think you need to see a doctor about your MH.

It's certainly not gaslighting, and at the worst a bit mean, but my DH would be really p*ssed off with me if I left the door open and his dog got out!

You were careless and he was annoyed. End of story. You should have apologised, he should have accepted and that should have been it.

The fact you got angry, felt humiliated and ended up in tears is really irrational.

I agree. If I had a cat that couldn’t go outside, I’d remind DH to shut the door if he left it open. Is there more of a backstory?

This! Please can hq do a definition of gaslighting and pin it somewhere!!

Bit dramatic isn't it?

“my husband came to the front of the house, and said loudly,that I had left the door to the hallway open,said I shouldn't do that, as the cat could of got out?”

So what’s unreasonable about that? I’m sorry, OP, I genuinely don’t understand why it should have caused you so much upset.

It’s sounds as though, gaslighting or not, you find the way he speaks to you upsetting.
This could be because you are under other pressures, having mental health issues or other family issues eg with parents, DC, things that happened in your childhood. Or it could be because your husband is an unreasonable oaf.
Only you can decide which it is and what to
do, possibly with the help of a counsellor or therapist,

Is it a pattern of behaviour from him? If it is, then it wears you down and can induce horrible feelings. My dh is the same. He's positively gleeful if he catches me out in a mistake and my nerves are shot now. It's horribly demoralising. If it's just a one off, then think nothing of it and tell him to stfu if he does it again.

I mean this with genuine concern OP, but how's your mental health? How's your relationship in other respects? On the face of it, this sounds like a normal interaction to me and your reaction sounds a bit extreme.

As an aside, gaslighting is serious, sinister and dangerous and not a term to be used lightly because ultimately it will make it harder for victims to be heard.

What you were doing outside is irrelevant - if you have to keep the door shut for the cat then he was fine to point out that you'd left it open (once, without shouting or swearing/insulting etc) so it could be sorted and/or sort it himself.

I understand feeling momentarily cross with yourself or guilty when it was pointed out because you forgot and the cat might have got out, or even transferring that guilt to him in the instant by trying to think of some way it was his fault about the door (which would be unreasonable, but is a thing), but I don't really see how that led to you having the level of reaction you described or feeling that he was in some way treating you poorly.

This isn’t gaslighting.