I was angry with Husband today, is this gaslighting!

[Bulldog01]

Yesterday, i mentioned to my husband,that I was going to fill in some holes in the brick work at the front of the house.I ordered some exterior filler,months ago to carry the work out when the weather improved. The holes were the result of my husband removing redundant cables.Its been a eyesore for over a year! After about 20 minutes,my husband came to the front of the house, and said loudly,that I had left the door to the hallway open,said I shouldn't do that, as the cat could of got out? Felt a bit humiliated & angry.Although I am usually more thoughtful regarding the cat getting out,my mind was elsewhere.I came indoors and just felt so deflated.I was shaking! I know, it sounds like a very small issue.But I am in my bedroom in tears.I have asked my husband to just leave me in peace.After telling him how I felt!.My husband treats me like this often.Over trivial matters.I am now 66, I am mentally exhausted with his unhelpful comments! Could this be gas lighting?

Just from the post it sounds like its one thing in a long line of things that has put the OP on edge. Is he hyper critical?

OP do you feel like he was looking for an excuse to belittle you to deflect from the fact you were fixing a mess he should have been sorting out? If that's a pattern of behaviour it's definitely something that can wear you down, but if there is no other backstory here it does seem like an unreasonable response from you. Do you have anything else which may be causing undue stress at the moment?

It's gaslighting if, for example, you actually shut the door to stop the cat getting out and he opened it himself and pretended it was you that left it open.

If he's horrible to you a lot and you're unhappy in the relationship, maybe you could consider leaving him. I know it's hard at 66, but how do you want to spend your retirement years?

OP you need to look up gaslighting, this situation has no relation to gaslighting.
I would tell DH if he left the door open and the cat could escape! Your reaction seems way out of proportion.
If he is unpleasant to you regularly, I imagine it has built up inside you.

Yeah gaslighting is the wrong.description .

I get why you were upset though. You were doing something helpful that he hadn’t done. And left to you to do. Then he complains and criticises about something that you have done by accident and not on purpose. He could have been kinder and said ‘whoops you’ve left the door open I’ll shut it for you’

Sounds also like rejection sensitivity disphoria - where you are sensitive and appear to overreact ro
any perceived criticism. It’s part of having ADHD. Does any of that fit?

As it’s very tricky navigating relationships with critIcal husbands when you have this.

This, yes it’s not gaslighting but I suspect it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back of horrible comments! And loud in front of neighbours! Hope you are ok op.

Must be a backstreet to this. OP is obviously upset and this is probably the last straw. He sounds like a pig OP. You sound exhausted.

The 'often like this' is the backstory. I get it OP, my husband can be like this, it's the drip drip.drip of it that wears you down.

Is that cat not allowed out?
If not, then why would you leave the door open?

I’m not sure what the relevance of the holes in the wall are.
It sounds as though you wanted your DH to congratulate you on doing some jobs around the house.

This isn’t a normal reaction to someone telling you you’d left the door open.

He wasn't unreasonable, and you don't know what gas lighting means.

It sounds nothing like gaslighting unless you actually hadn’t left the door open. Is there history of relationship issues / constant criticism? Or is there mental health issues? Otherwise this just sounds like a normal conversation.

He shouted to you that the door was open and the cat might get out.
Are you always so hyper sensitive?

If you have a house cat and left a door open I think his response was normal and yours was an overreaction.
If a man posted that his wife had done what your DH did the comments would be in full support of the wife, it would be 'weponsided incompetence' he'd be putting your cat at risk so you don't leave him to do the DIY again. I don't think that's what you have done, I just think you're reaction will be supported by some just because you are the woman.

I have an indoor only cat and I've told my dh and kids to make sure the door is shut on many occasions, especially when dh is working outside. He comes in and out and forgets to close it. Our cat doesn't even make a break for outside but I still don't want to risk it. Everyone would be worried about her if she got out and who ever let her out would feel terribly guilty about so a quick reminder seems the kindest thing all round

You genuinely were crying and shaking because your husband said you’d left a door open so the cat could have escaped? What’s the problem with him telling you this?

He's certainly nasty and unpleasant.
Do you wish to remain married?
Have you other options?
If he is like this regularly, contact domestic abuse charities for support.

No idea where you got gaslighting from but if thos was video recorded and played to us on mn would we have seen this the way op does?

Yes he may have done it loudly or maybe the op just thinks it was because the way the op posted makes me think they don't see things normally and as this is mn the man will always be to blame (assuming the op is a woman i wont go back and check)

Your reaction is very OTT op, so that leads me to believe this is happening quite often and today just happened to be the last straw 💐

Can someone tell me where the OPs husband has been nasty, mean or a pig?

I marvel at the lives of some posters. Do they really live in some monochrome Celia Johnson type world where long married couples live their lives speaking in clipped tones with the upmost reticence at all times.

The OP says her DH speaks to her like this often. I’m guessing constant criticism builds up inside.

There is a kinder way to say ‘you’ve left the door open’

No its not gaslighting. It's him putting you down and acting superior.
We all forget things now and again he simply should have shut the door and moved on. No need to come outside and treat you like a naughty child.

Sending you a hug and a handhold.
You were distracted. Mistakes happen.

Your husband sounds like a bully.
I think his critical behavior was a catalyst for deeper issues in your marriage.
Frankly, I’d be considering my future with him. He’s sounds like an absolute $ht.

Your emotional reaction to this is extreme. You admit you shouldn’t have left the door open because the cat could get out, so while I’m sure your DH could have said it more kindly and more quietly, it isn’t a big deal for your DH to point it out. Maybe you hadn’t noticed you’d left the door open.

I mean on my town's Facebook page we seem to have at least bi-weekly posts about cats being missing and probably most months there's a cat that is still missing after a week or more, or a deceased one been found.

Yet you are humiliated and angry about your husband not wanting your cat to die? Like how little do you care about this cat?