I was angry with Husband today, is this gaslighting!

[Bulldog01]

Yesterday, i mentioned to my husband,that I was going to fill in some holes in the brick work at the front of the house.I ordered some exterior filler,months ago to carry the work out when the weather improved. The holes were the result of my husband removing redundant cables.Its been a eyesore for over a year! After about 20 minutes,my husband came to the front of the house, and said loudly,that I had left the door to the hallway open,said I shouldn't do that, as the cat could of got out? Felt a bit humiliated & angry.Although I am usually more thoughtful regarding the cat getting out,my mind was elsewhere.I came indoors and just felt so deflated.I was shaking! I know, it sounds like a very small issue.But I am in my bedroom in tears.I have asked my husband to just leave me in peace.After telling him how I felt!.My husband treats me like this often.Over trivial matters.I am now 66, I am mentally exhausted with his unhelpful comments! Could this be gas lighting?

Agree with this. Unless there's a whole paragraph missing I've no clue why the OP is shaking and humiliated?

Gaslighting would be if you hadn’t left the door open and he knew that but told you you had.
But it sounds like you did leave the door open? Why was it a problem for him to tell you? Is it the fact that he told you or the way he said it that’s the problem?

I can’t see the issue? If the cat isn’t allowed out then you shouldn’t have left the door open.

because presumably it’s not about the cat

Thank you for your replies.
I think it can be helpful to get other peoples view points, particularly when they are from an emotional perspective.

I did have issues with Trauma as a child, certain negative remarks can trigger them. I usually handle them ok when I have taken my antidepressants :0)

If I have been in the wrong, I usually take it on the chin. I am not adverse to constructive criticism.But if it's coming from a place of superiority, not so much.

I have lost count, how many unwanted comments that in my humble opinion were unwarranted.

In the early days, I brushed them off, I was young & naive.I thought he just wanted the best for us both?

Now, I realize that, if he really loved & cared for me.He would not gain anything personally by making unnecessary unplesant comments.

He, was like this with our son, who now lives in Australia!

Sadly, I don't have any suitable place to move too. If I had, I would be packing my bags now!
Hopefully, I have the courage to find another place asap.

I have said to him in the past, a happy wife, a happy life!
He doesn't agree with that comment either unsurprisingly!

It isn’t gaslighting, it’s just very unpleasant of him.

You were going out of your way to fix a problem that he’d caused. He came out and shouted at you. That’s nasty behaviour.

I think I'm missing a piece of the puzzle, OP.

You are talking about unwanted and unwarranted comments.... but as far as I can see he just told you about the door being open? What was unwarranted about that?

It's still unclear what's actually going on here. Do we not all make unwarranted comments when frustrated with someone? It doesn't mean someone is abusive. Do you have any other examples of comments he made?

I’m with the OP. Who wants years of constant and unhelpful criticism.

If the cat hadn't escaped, he could have just been helpful and shut the fucking door. No need to make OP feel like she'd done something terrible. Too many comments like that chip away at you.

A lot of OP's concern is probably down to the constant nit picking, tone of voice, and general criticism of everything she does.

I sense weariness, and an air of being totally fed up with endless comments. It may be that OP has anxiety and/or depression (anti depressants were mentioned) and that might magnify things that to the rest of us would be just day to day stuff.

OP if you are fed up with him and his behaviour towards you, it is valid. If he refuses to see how it is upsetting you, that's not very nice and maybe you should talk to your GP about adjusting your meds and referring you to counselling. That might help you get your head straight and if necessary make a plan to leave if that's what would make you happy. Life is short.

Good Lord get a grip.
I loathe cats but I don't wish them any harm., which was his thought.

That’s not gaslighting.

Now, I realize that, if he really loved & cared for me.He would not gain anything personally by making unnecessary unplesant comments.

Wow, if anyone is the problem in this relationship it’s you.

You sound very self centred and have jumped to playing the victim and throwing words around like gaslighting, all because you couldn’t cope with taking responsibility for your actions.

You left the door open meaning the cat could have got out.
Your DH rightly called you out on it.

Your reaction to this is pathetic and wrong on so many levels.

You were in the wrong and DH was in the right.
Instead of twisting things around and trying to play the victim, just admit you were in the wrong and move on.
You sound exhausting to live with.

I can well imagine after years of someone pointing out what you've done wrong time and time again it becomes very wearing and I can well believe there comes a point that you've had enough. Closing the door would have been enough without having a go at you. You don't want the cat to get out. I guess too that no acknowledgement of finishing off the job he left unfinished was hurtful too. It would be gaslighting if he opened the door and said you'd left it open, but the never ending criticism - if that's what it is like at home - must be horrible. Are you both retired now and both spending more time at home together?

PS I think many comments on this post have been very harsh.

I would assume that there are 2 sides to the story. The OP has mentioned she takes anti-depressants and I would hazard a guess that over the years the husband has been subjected to difficult times too.

Perhaps just the exasperation in. Along marriage.

Today as Im attempting to get through another day after the horrible recent death of my mum, as I wrangle with DD and her moving out, as I support my devastated Dad, contemplate all our futures, I sure wish I had your problems.

Going out of her way to fix a problem he had caused? Surely she's just contributing a small job to the maintenance of her house. The husband removed the obsolete cables which is a sensible thing to do and more effort than filling the left over holes with a bit of plaster. Why shouldn't the OP contribute to any diy required?

She also never said he shouted.