AIBU to change daughter’s antibiotics schedule and sleep separately after insult?

[IcyRubyHiker]

Daughter (5) is poorly with tonsillitis. She has antibiotics that she can either take 4 times a day 2.5ml or twice, 5ml.

She hates the taste so wants to take it 4 times with a smaller dose each time. My husband was at home today and made the decision she should take it twice, as it’s more convenient with school etc.

Cue a lot of upset this evening with her taking it.. so I negotiate the 4 times smaller dose which she’s much happier with.

Husband is seemingly raging that I’ve changed the plan and stormed down the stairs calling me a retard… I was so shocked!! (Daughter didn’t hear as he said it half way down the stairs)

I know getting a young child to take medicine is stressful but I don’t think the ‘retard’ insult was warranted, plus it’s just such an offensive word. He has also had to take the last 2 days off work to look after our daughter so he’s probably annoyed about that too…

I’m considering sleeping in the spare room
tonight as I feel pretty disrespected, I just don’t want to talk to him or be near him to be honest. We’ve been unhappy in marriage for a while, and I had to bite my tongue so hard not to just tell him to where to go, but obviously our daughter was there so I just ignored it and carried on with the bedtime routine.

What are peoples thoughts?

The circumstances wouldn't matter to me, being called a Retard in a marriage thts not great anyway would be the final straw for me

Twice a day makes more sense with school.
Name calling nots ok.

His choice of insult is clearly unacceptable.
Your choice to prolong the upset your child will experience whenever she has to take her medicine is also unacceptable. Why are you negotiating with a 5 year old anyway? Taking less medicine will not reduce the taste.
The pair of you need to listen to each other.

It does make much more sense but I can just see her refusing every single time as the dose is too big (in her eyes) and I think it’ll be easier with the smaller doses more often.

Your dh has taken two days of work to look after the child and was presumably doing the medicine. You then unilaterally decided to change this after her whining, (I assume that's what 'negotiating' with a 5 yo means) without consulting him - the person who had been looking after her and who had therefore made the decision.

His language is horrible, obviously, and I'm not defending the use of that word at all.

But he's frustrated that you've interfered and overruled him without discussion. Why didn't you take 2 days off work if you want to be Queen of the Medicine Scheduling?

What he did was not acceptable (calling you the R word). What you did was unacceptable (undermining his parenting, making a rod for someone else’s back if he’s the one who had to give it to her four times a day since you said he’s the one who stayed home with her, AND negotiating with an illogical 5 year old is a particular low point - it’s not going to “taste less,” and in fact, she’s going to have to taste it four times a day which will actually be worse - so you accepted a 5 year old’s illogical “logic” over your adult husband’s actual logic for taking it twice a day).

Sounds like this marriage has maybe run its course as you say it’s already unhappy and you have no respect for each other, before you create the kind of household where when one parent says no (dad), the child runs and immediately asks mum instead, who will then say yes.

She’s the one who has to take the medicine so I wanted to give her some choice in the matter. I’ve actually chosen to do the four doses to make it more manageable for our daughter not to ‘prolong her upset’.

We find it hard to communicate because my husband just goes 0 to 100 in 3 seconds and then a sensible conversation isn’t possible as he’s so wound up. I’m just so tired of it.

Why can’t you do 4 times a day at the moment while she’s feeling very poorly and is at home anyway. And if she’s still on antibiotics when she’s well enough to go back to school she can have the two doses and will be probably better able to cope with it. And you could bribe her with juice or chocolate or something. My son just had tonsillitis and it was the sickest he’s been for a long time. Swallowing anything was painful in the early days.

Insults are unacceptable, I’d be upset about that too.

Why didn't you talk to your husband first?

I would be so tired of you making decisions on your own because you seem to understand a 5 yo best. Not ok.
Your husband's reaction isn't ok either. Time to say sorry both of you.

Has he been giving the medicine and she's been excepting his regime and now you want to change it? If so you are making trouble by changing things to be the nice parent.

He had left the room as he was getting too wound up with the whole situation and losing patience. I was just trying to get her to take the medicine, so it was a counter offer I suppose to let her have a smaller dose to get some of the antibiotics actually in!

I will be the one doing all of the antibiotics as he’ll be back at work tomorrow so it doesn’t really have a practical effect on him.

i appreciate I’ve probably really annoyed him and perhaps in some other people’s eyes I shouldn’t have given our daughter the choice, but it is what it is now and I don’t think his insult was justified.

Yes that’s a great idea. We’ll do smaller doses first and then see how we get on. It seems really horrible and has made her quite poorly :-(

This.

I actually would have loved to have been queen of the medicine scheduling 😂 but I couldn’t miss work as I’m in a school, with things on today that I couldn't miss.

I would imagine he’s just as tired of you, so maybe best to call it quits before you guys actually do damage your child with eventual name calling and bitterness (you said you “held off” responding to him, but how many times can you bite your tongue if he keeps saying stuff like this?). And I need to point out that while I 100% don’t agree with what you’ve done re: “negotiating” with the child, what he said was completely unacceptable, and yes, isn’t it funny how when men want to insult women, it’s always sex-based (whore, slut, etc) or intelligence-based? Either the R-word, or calling you stupid, or saying things like, “Don’t you have a brain.” Etc etc. So no, I’m not pretending it’s okay!

The issue is that I can unfortunately see how joint custody is going to go - she starts antibiotics at his house, he gets her to take them, she’s supposed to take it twice a day, and you immediately change it to four times a day at your house (because she was whining and knew you’re a soft touch - kids learn this incredibly young) and breezily tell him, “Oh, you have to give it to her four times a day instead because I wanted to give her a choice couldn’t stand her crying and being angry at me over medicine when I want to be the good guy.” She’s 5. Just be a parent. I can understand why he’d be frustrated, even if I don’t condone his behavior.

I appreciate this response, thank you.

Perhaps I do need to look in the mirror at whether I’m just being a soft touch etc. but I do value giving our daughter some autonomy (I expect some people to rip me to shreds for saying that!)

His language was wrong without doubt.

but when he has been the one there doing the medicine you where wrong to come in and change it. Don’t start letting your child think medication is something that can be negotiated. You take it when your parents say it’s time to!

He can’t deal with her being upset and not taking the medicine because he’s emotionally immature.
He can’t stay and calmly have a conversation about it because he’s not an adequate communicator.
He used a horrible word because he was feeling strong, unpleasant feeling that he couldn’t tolerate and blamed you for it.
I haven’t heard the word for a while and it wouldnt cross my mind no matter how angry I am - so it’s interesting where did it come from… does he watch older violent movies with strong language?
Anyway, he’s not well equipped to be a parent or a supportive spouse but as not quite abusive (yet) so I think your dc benefits from having him around more than being brought up by divorced parents.

It’s crazy how women are so clued up about parenting and able to show understanding to an ill child without losing the main goal from sight (in this case giving the medicine) while dads lack any flexibility and just want what they want.

Wow retard is really rude and disrespectful. Would not want to be married to someone who spoke that way.

Doesn't excuse your husband's language, that was foul and wrong. But if he's the one doing the school time doses then it is up to him and you were wrong to go against him.

Gett young children to take medicine is hard sometimes, if she’s taking the 4x small doses that’s better even if it is less convenient. She is not going to be on them for long.

Totally unacceptable of your husband

Twice a day makes sense..so your husband is right there ... however his name calling is awful, abusive and yanbu in any way here. He should never ever say anything like that to you.

I am kind of surprised that so many people are against the idea of the 5yo having any say in the matter.

Is it not good to have discussions with your young children and allow them some autonomy where possible? Does that not build their confidence and decision-making ability?

If my 3yo felt happier taking four doses a day I'd respect his preference. Unless it's something insane I don't see what the problem is with allowing children to make these kinds of decisions.

To me the issue with making medication into a negotiation is it’s not always something that is negotiable. Many drugs need to be given as the right dose at the right time. Much better for the parents to take a firm approach across the board with medication than risking issues down the line by negotiating them.

Raging and name calling, nah, this is too much over nothing. He behaved like a dick tbh. Sorry OP.