AIBU to change daughter’s antibiotics schedule and sleep separately after insult?

[IcyRubyHiker]

Daughter (5) is poorly with tonsillitis. She has antibiotics that she can either take 4 times a day 2.5ml or twice, 5ml.

She hates the taste so wants to take it 4 times with a smaller dose each time. My husband was at home today and made the decision she should take it twice, as it’s more convenient with school etc.

Cue a lot of upset this evening with her taking it.. so I negotiate the 4 times smaller dose which she’s much happier with.

Husband is seemingly raging that I’ve changed the plan and stormed down the stairs calling me a retard… I was so shocked!! (Daughter didn’t hear as he said it half way down the stairs)

I know getting a young child to take medicine is stressful but I don’t think the ‘retard’ insult was warranted, plus it’s just such an offensive word. He has also had to take the last 2 days off work to look after our daughter so he’s probably annoyed about that too…

I’m considering sleeping in the spare room
tonight as I feel pretty disrespected, I just don’t want to talk to him or be near him to be honest. We’ve been unhappy in marriage for a while, and I had to bite my tongue so hard not to just tell him to where to go, but obviously our daughter was there so I just ignored it and carried on with the bedtime routine.

What are peoples thoughts?

Tonsillitis is horrible and painful and causes fevers and feeling rotten, wanting to make the antibiotics easier on a 5 yr old is good parenting not bad and the responses are quite cruel here

There's never a reason to use language like that, it's really unacceptable.

Unless you've been advised otherwise it's really important the antibiotics are taken as prescribed. The dose will be based in her wright and it may be less effective if given at smaller doses more frequently.

The GP prescribed it 4x a day for a reason. It’s important to take medicine as instructed and it will likely say this on the label/leaflet. If you want to deviate from this I’d speak to the pharmacist/GP to ensure that the efficacy won’t be compromised.

Husband is a twat.

I think it's a bit off that a potential error on your part becomes 'it is what it is',but his error 'isn't justified'.

There's bodily autonomy but then there's also being a bit of a wet blanket.Get it done and down her so she can stop feeling so poorly. 4x to me just seems to be dragging it out.Your H has obviously managed this way while being home with her for 2 days,you've undermined him a bit.

As for the foul language - he's been awful there and PPs are quite right that it's unacceptable.

‘You’ have chosen - so you made the decision. I can see why he is pissed off. He has been off and giving her the medicine for the last 2 days but you march in without discussing or agreeing with him and decide you’re right and this is what is happening.

She 5! All you do is do 5ml in a syringe and give her a drink or a treat to take the taste away.

This is absolutely the reason why medicine shouldn’t be something you negotiate over and I say that as someone who had a child who refused calpol for the first 4 years of his life & recently had antibiotics prescribed 4 times a day!. We ended up in hospital and even the consultant said he doesn’t know why anyone prescribes 4x a day as 2x does the same job! Its also a PITA trying to get 4 doses in a day on an empty stomach.

If your DD is anything like my DS i’d have been beyond mad if i’d spent 2 days getting medicine into my child for someone to come along and over ride everything i’d said. Yes the choice of language was very poor but I can understand his frustration as you really need to speak with a united voice when parenting.

Thanks all for the replies.

Just to reiterate I haven’t bulldozed a long standing pattern of medicine dosage. She’d only had one dose so far and I was giving her the second dose.

She took it absolutely fine this morning and is clearly happier with 4 smaller doses (which is actually instructed on the bottle) so I’m pretty happy with that.

I can tell my husband is embarrassed by his insult but he hasn’t apologised and I don’t expect he will.

Please see a relationship counsellor. If you have to go alone to see them that's ok too. You need perspective on this. His behaviour is far from acceptable, and your daughter is soaking it all in too.

I wouldn’t give her autonomy on health matters. She’s nowhere near old enough to make a rational decision.

It's not whether they take the medicine. Obviously, they have to take the medicine. No negotiation there. However, they do have the option between 2 or 4 times a day.

I mean I guess so if he's going to continue doing the medicine. But it sounded as though his shift was over.

Of course I wouldn't give them autonomy in those situations. But I would in a situation where a doctor had said 2 doses and 4 doses were both valid choices.

'I think'. But your husband doesn't agree. So you need to work together like grown ups and make a joint decision. Overruling each other is awful parenting. As is allowing your child a say in the decision - she should never have been given a choice. There's no excuse for calling anyone a retard but the backcloth to it is a mess created by both of you.

It doesn't make any sense if the child is much happier with 4 smaller doses.
Getting young children to take medicine can be a nightmare so it's always best to go with whatever they are happier with.

Of course she should have a day. It's her body! And she knows how she feels.
Also it's impossible to make someone swallow something they are determined to spit out. If she hates the big doses she will get more stressed and forcing her will make her retch and she will just bring it all up again..

The medicine thing is not the big issue. You want to do it one way. He wants to do it the other. There's no wrong or right way.

The issue is that you're married to someone who "goes 0 to 100 in 3 seconds". That trait is at best unhelpful, at worst dangerous.

What's not helping is that you seem to want to be right.

Couples therapy might help but you would have to both be willing to make changes. I have a suspicion that each of you think that only the other one needs to change.

Did you miss the bit about her being 5?! If we gave 5 year olds the choice of what they do/don't put into their bodies, their diet would be entirely made up of slugs and ice-cream.

Tbh you need to rethink your parenting style if you are in the habit of negotiating with a 5 year old.
I would not have been 'counter offer' making with a 5 year old over an essential medicine that she needs to take. She needs to take it or she won't get better so that's that.

You will have problems later down the line if you allow her to think she gets to dictate the terms at age 5 - you and her dad are in charge not her.

Personally I think it was pretty bad that you undermined him when he's been the one dealing with this the past two days - it creates a dynamic with your daughter than Daddy won't budge but mummy gives her what she wants.

but he absolutely should not have said what he did. You both need to apologise.

So it’s 2 or 4 times a day and the issue is she doesn’t like the taste.

I wouldn’t have even told her there was a choice and it would be twice a day.

He shouldn’t have called you a retard.

Enjoy the teenage years coming op you are being far too accommodating, my best advice is you can’t always be your child’s friend and that is the failing of present day parenting.

FFS you don’t negociate or bribe a 5yo to take medicine! Give her a choice when she is getting dressed or choosing a snack, but not when it comes to health. Especially if someone else has been handling the medicine with her and you then undermine their choice. Did you now tell her that you were wrong and she will do the 2 doses?

I think you are spot on.

So what then happens if and when the 5 year old still doesn't like the taste of smaller doses and whines about taking it 4 times a day as well? If you've negotiated once, kiddo may well think they can bargain again.

I think @watchingthishtread is spot on about the DH going from 0-100 very quickly and OP needing to be right, and both believing the other one needs to change.

The doctor literally said about the choice of dosage in her appointment 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not a massive push over, just respect my daughter has some body autonomy and she was told there was a choice by a medical professional.

There are clearly two camps here, one who are just saying what happens and not giving their child any choice and one who asks their child their preference (after they’ve already been told there was a choice by the doctor). It’s really interesting how different these parenting styles are and I know firmly which is my preference for my child.

Thanks for all the responses. I’m going to park this one here now as I have quite a bit to reflect on.

Not so much the medicine dosage but the (not so) open lines of communication and name calling. Ugh.

Have you apologised to him for trying to overrule his way of parenting ?